Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

The Glitter For Brains Guide To: Calling In Sick

Yes, readers, I'm languishing at home, taking in all the joys of daytime television and drinking tea like it was going out of fashion! Aren't I a wag? Well, as I'm a generous cove, I'm going to let you into a couple of secrets into perfecting that 'I'm not coming in today' call. You can thank me later. Here we go!

* When phoning in, lie on your back on the bed with your head resting over the edge. This constricts the throat in such a way that your voice instantly sounds like Madge from Neighbours on forty Rothmans a day. Oh, your boss will be sobbing with pity at how bad you sound.

* Always build your part, for these things take planning. The day before you want to take the day off, go in slightly downtrodden. Your hair should be slightly askew and no make-up for girls, and no shaving for boys. Occasionally ask about the temperature, and perfect your hooded-eyed look at work colleagues. If done properly, people will keep telling you to go home, and won't be a bit surprised when you don't come in the next day. Thus:

* NEVER take Mondays off. That's just too obvious.

* Remember, if you think you're ill, you more than likely will act it.

* Slyly pulling out nostril hair causes sneezing. Go on, try it now for a giggle.

* Now wipe the monitor, there's a nice reader.

* When phoning in, be as graphic as humanly possible. Forgive me lowering the tone, but you should be aiming for 'God yes, two o'clock this morning, the vomit was just pouring out of me. I thought that was the end of it, and then the shit came...' Frankly, I feel unclean writing it, so imagine how grossed out your poor boss is feeling having to hear all these things. They just won't be able to wait to get you off the phone and back to their nice, vomit-free spreadsheets.

* Ladies - you've got a whole area of 'women's issues' you can play upon in the above manner - especially if you have a male boss. Those areas are a mystery to them at the best of times, so imagine the horror when they hear that ?something's gone wrong down below'.

And with all that in mind, you'll soon be sipping tea and watching the Lorraine Kelly double-bill from the comfort of your own sofa, while the rest of the functionaries mercilessly toil at their day-job. Your freedom is but a sneeze away!

No comments: