Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Loose Ends

Would you believe I get letters of complaint? Not just because I can't spell four tofeee, but people weren't happy with the ending of the last entry. 'Did you three get out?' asked one. Well, yes, obviously - I was firmly ensconced on my writing hammock, dictating to a group of gorgeous bevies my adventures with Jay and Cher.

But, because I'm in a generous mood, here's something to keep the nay-sayers quiet.

The Week Oprah Came To Stay Pt 1

JAY: Well, all praise to me that we managed to tie up those guards while Cher distracted them by performing a medley of her more toe-tapping hits.

LEE: Oh yes. She can still belt out 'Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves' like a trooper.

JAY: You know many troopers that can belt out a Cher song? Do you? Hmm? Hmm?

LEE: Well, there was that nice officer I met in Habitat once. He has the most enor-

JAY: Now, be quiet. We don't want to know about your sordid past.

LEE: ...'Private Parts', we used to call him...

JAY: Tsk. And I personally thought that version of the song was somewhat distorted. Half the time, it sounded like she was singing 'Gypo Tampon Thieves'.

LEE: Well, she was just getting used to her wax mouth, I suppose... Anyway, who's in the kitchen?

JAY: Ah. It's one of my celebrity friends coming to visit. See, you're not the only one with a-list chums, my boy.

LEE: Is it Judith Hann? Oh tell me it's former Tomorrow's World presenter Judith Hann!

JAY: No, we've currently got - oh, get this - Oprah Winfrey rifling through our fridge! How marvellous!

LEE: Oh.

JAY: Why 'oh'?

LEE: Is she having one of her fat days or thin days?

JAY: Fat. Why?

LEE: No! Get down!


JAY: Oh. Oh dear me. That's very unpleasant.

LEE: Sigh. I'll get the shovel.

JAY: You know, I'd just like one week where we don't kill a celebrity.

LEE: Go get your black balaclava.

JAY: Does it have to be black? I'm feeling that this season is all about navy...

There! You lot happy now?

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