Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Of Devilment and Beaus

What really happened to the pub's menu?

A belated thank you to you all for Monday's mud-fight against the dullard who logged on to intimidate me. Yes I do know him, it's been going on a while behind the scenes, and I'll tell you all about it over lovely whisky and a slab of cake once it's all been cleared up. To which end, I got a phone call from my Evil Best Friend Declan last night:

"I saw that thing on your blog. Is it..?"
I nodded, then realised I was on the phone. "Yes, but don't worry."
"Oh, I'm not worried. Do you... er, want me to put a curse on him?"
The hesitancy was unexpected. His first reaction was normally to hex first, ask questions later. Something was clearly the matter.
It turned out that my Evil Best Friend had been called in for his Evil Audit a little earlier than he was expecting, and hadn't done well at all - and this was all thanks to the fact he's now stepping out with a gentleman. Yes it turns out that within the dear Channeller of the Brown Arts' icy, inhuman shell beats the cold heart of a killer. But within that is the soft, gooey marshmallow of a true romantic.
It's been going on for quite some time now. Apparently even his garden is growing again.
From our point of view, it's rather like an episode of a soap opera where the show's bitch suddenly shows a sliver of humanity, only for it all to come crashing down before the end credits. It's just rather disconcerting. And we've tried to warn this poor individual - Martin's his name - off Declan by showing him still-born calves and pictures of the holocaust, but he's just as smitten as his dark-spirited beau.
It's all rather confusing.
"You can't have given up on evil altogether, can you?" I asked, hoping for a glimmer of the old soulless creature.
There was the sound of all the joy being sucked out of a cigarette. "No. But I did just scrape my audit thanks to something that happened at the pub the other day."
"I met some of Martin's friends. Which was going well. Until this shrill, stick-thin boyfriend of one of his associates arrived."
"I wasn't struck."
"Yes, so..?"
"I bided my time, until it turned to start having a go at me. Which is always a mistake."
I was getting impatient. "What did you do?"
"Well, it turned out he came from Lockerbie. So while he just unspooled, I grabbed as many menus as I could and started throwing paper planes at him for the rest of the night."

There may be hope yet.

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