Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, February 11, 2005

The Top Ten Polar Facts

Several bits and pieces about the playground we all love a little too much.

There are actually three North Poles - the magnetic one, the fixed point one from which the Earth rotates, and the more interesting third. This 'North Pole' is actually the second in a very successful franchise of pole-dancing clubs - a three-story building featuring a mud-pit and something called a 'dick-o-teck', it says here. And you always wondered why Santa had rosy cheeks.

The earliest mammals to evolve in the arctic were ten minutes late.

The North Pole is only magnetic thanks to well-known directionless mariner Christopher Columbus getting lost with a cargo of magnets, and dumping them around Greenland. Which made for an interesting journey back - their cook had a metal hand and had to stay. But then happily, so did his pots.

People who claim that the snow-romping arctic-dweller Polar Bear is the world's largest land predators have obviously never been in front of a Mr Dave Kloss from Bloxwich in a buffet queue. Although, ironically, he neither can stand Penguin chocolate bars.

Surprisingly, Walls Ice Cream is quite big with the Eskimos - especially with the gays. Masse Smirnirik, the local equivalent of Elton John, has been ordering blocks of Neapolitan flavour for months. But not to eat - they are for the building of his enormous gauche palace igloo. The big poof.

Penguins can fly. They just prefer to do it via Easyjet.

It's widely known that Robert Falcon Scott's famous 1912 non-trip to the South Pole was a bit of a shambles from the off. The most famous 'victim' of the expedition was Oates who, crippled by frostbite, tells the remaining members of Scott Expedition 'I am just going outside and may be some time,' and vanishes into the snow. Well, he didn't vanish - there was a 24-hour Texaco around the corner and he really fancied a Twix.

As champagne can only really be called champagne if it comes from the Champagne region of France, likewise the luxury dessert 'Arctic Roll' can only be made in the Arctic. This pudding, a well-known favourite of Dame Judi Dench, is made in the traditional way of being exposed to the elements, and then shipped to your supermarkets by the descendants of the original Captain Birdseye. And you thought £2.28 was expensive for a block of ice-cream wrapped in cake that has traversed the globe for you. Tsk!

Conversely, 'Baked Alaska' can only be made in the Northern town of Baked.

Glitter for Brains 'favourite' Mariah Carey was once banished to the Antarctic for a total of three weeks by her former record company Decca - who were trying anything to get out of their contract with her. When they came to collect the body, they found she was still gaily skipping around, thinking she was actually living in 'The Prettiest, Biggest World of Sparkly Cocaine Ever!' In fact, she'd hoovered up almost a total of eleven square miles of ice, meaning that Decca are responsible for the biggest ecological disaster ever.

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