Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

It's A Jolly Holiday For Marys


JAY: What are you doing?

LEE: There's a six-second trailer for Doctor Who on in the next hour - I'm setting the video.

JAY: From behind the sofa?

LEE: It's traditional!

JAY: Give me that! And come out from behind there. Unless you're not wearing trousers. Again.

LEE: Look, I told you - that was an accident. There was this-

JAY: Yesyesyes - doorbell, feather boa, delivery man, slamming door - you've told it all before. Now be a dear and pour me a little drinkie, would you? Today has made me very tired.

LEE: Nice glass of Warriors?

JAY: Oh, yes. You know what they say..!

BOTH: 'Any port-and-lemon in any storm!'

JAY: Ah, good times. I tell you, beardface, I have decided we need a holiday.

LEE: How about here? 'Haven Holidays'?

JAY: An overgrown greenhouse outside Worksop?

LEE: Sigh. I knew you'd Take Against It.

JAY: What? I think it's a marvellous idea! We could go as a family!

LEE: We could?

JAY: Yes. We could make sure we hire a three-room chalet and take our imaginary children with us - Liza, Cher and Miss Ross.

LEE: Miss Ross is always getting into trouble at school, you know. Last week she slapped a teacher. Allegedly.

JAY: We'll take the restraints.

LEE: Not the ones from your room. They're somewhat... specialist.

JAY: And we'll take it in turns to be the mother, too! A nice headscarf, some lovely sunglasses... although I foresee you facial hair being a problem when it's your turn.

LEE: I'll use my new foundation - 'Terracotta Concrete' by Rimell. It hides everything.

JAY: Is that the stuff we grouted the bathroom with?

LEE: That's the one. The only foundation I know that's one part fabulous to one part sand. Dame Dale Winton swears by it.

JAY: Meanwhile, I'd be a dead cert for the Knobbly Knees competition... and you could enter the Knobbly Nob competition!

LEE: Puh-ha-whuh? How do you..?

JAY: No trousers, remember.

LEE: It. Was. An. Accident.

JAY: Looked like one of those gnarled walking sticks you find behind the door of tourist shops in the Lake District.

LEE: How very dare you. Fine. Right, then. How about a holiday in the sun?

JAY: The Sun? As in the downmarket newspaper which regularly allows families of 45 from Croydon to wage running battles with French police when on booze cruises?

LEE: I love cruising!

JAY: Ye-ee-es. But you're being Mother on that day. I can't run in heels, and still haven't found a baseball bat that matches my dress...

LEE: Fine. I'm brilliant in heels. I won the 500 metre Jimmy Choo Sprint at school, you know. Even managed the Ball Gown Marathon at the tender age of fifteen.

JAY: My. What a forward-thinking school you had. Even for Birmingham.

LEE: I know. But I must admit, when I signed up for 'Drag Racing', I was expected something completely different...

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