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Friday, March 11, 2005

The Top Ten Chocolate Facts

Several bits and pieces about the foodgroup we all love a little too much.

Chocolate was discovered by the Aztecs, much like everything else in the world, ever, including telemarketing. The Aztecs used to grind cocoa beans and create a liquid drink. Once they let the liquid set, they were able to mould it into the form of a man (or 'golum') which was then animated by a magic incantation. These creatures were used as slaves - until some bright spark thought to use them as firemen. The Aztecs died out within a week.

Nestlé's popular 'Black Magic' chocolate is indeed created using black magic. The original packaging boasted there was 'a dead goat and a half' in every box. Right next to the Raspberry Swirls.

The word 'chocolate' is based on the Aztec word 'cocolatl' meaning 'warm liquid'. It also transpires that 'Hersheys' is in fact a medieval word, translating as 'ye cock-awfule chocolate floor-sweepings, the likes of whiche I would not finde in a cheap Advent Calendar from ye local Aldi'.

The Easter Bunny is actually allergic to chocolate.

Milk chocolate was invented by the prolific Daniel Peter, who then sold the concept to his neighbour Henri Nestlé. Daniel, who was always full of good ideas, was also seen coming away from his other neighbour with a large bundle of cash, and a cucumber with an outboard motor attached. His other neighbour's name was Kurt Vibrator.

Did you know that each natural form of chocolate exponentially increases in density with its darkness? The lightest being white chocolate, then milk chocolate, all the way down to dark chocolate - why, there are some dark chocolate bars that weigh the equivalent of small Rolls-Royce car! (That's 48.23 Lulu's, in the old measurements). For years scientists have been trying to create the densest type of 'black chocolate' - or Chocolate-X - under lab conditions. This chocolate is so compacted that nothing can escape it. Nothing. Not light. Not even secretaries on a really strict diet.

The UK is the world's biggest consumer of chocolate in the world, with us munching our way through 660.9 million kg of this delicious temptation every year! This means that we're also going through a good couple of million kg of preservatives along with that total, too. Preservatives keep you young. Therefore, we're going to outlive you all! Hahahaha!

Unfortunately, the British will be too fat to do anything when we inherit planet, though.

There is apparently a butterfly native to Brazil which possesses both the colour and smell of chocolate. This is nothing: I know at least seven women who have been recently dumped who are both the colour and smell of chocolate. And have just taken advantage of HMV's buy-one-get-one-free Sex In The City DVD offer.

Chocolate is the United States favourite flavour! In a recent survey, 52% of all people surveyed said they like chocolate best. Coming next were tarpaulins and car exhausts respectively.

Chocolate is reported to have aphrodisiac properties, releasing similar chemicals to that of a love affair when eaten. This scientific evidence was proof enough for all branches of Vue Cinemas to ban serving any chocolate products to any lady over sixty when they went to see any film with Colin Farrell in it. In one terrible case before the ban, the cinema in Plymouth stopped selling tickets by row, but by 'shallow' and 'deep end'.


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