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Friday, March 18, 2005

What Came Next!

Now, regular readers of our proud, pink column will be more than aware of our nodding acquaintance with, ah, 'Gentleman's recreational videos'. But when the sex scenes run dry, we have discovered you can revel in some delightful unintentional hilarity as some am-dram director tries to crowbar a 'story' around why so-and-so are getting their John Thomas out and beating all the boys in the neighbourhood with the wet end. So we've compiled five of the best, and ask you to answer...


To make it more fun, highlight the text to reveal the wacky answer!

The Bombardier (Zipper)
Picture The Scene: a troubled man, haunted by scenes of a military past he can't remember, starts to research into this former life (incidentally while two men shag very quietly in the next isle of the library). He manages to find out that he may have been in the army all along...

When All Of A Sudden... he's transported back in time to the Enola Gay, the plane that dropped the H-Bomb on Hiroshima! Then he and the co-pilot (his one true love, apparently) shag rather recklessly upon said H-Bomb before dropping it on the city and killing millions. Who said romance is dead? Well, not as dead as those people!

Cuffed Up (Studio 200)
Picture the Scene... after being shagged senseless by a very broad-shouldered policeman, Jack goes away for the weekend, leaving his son (yes, his son) Steve in charge of the house. Where Steve proceeds to fantasise - in ridiculously detailed clarity - what he'd like to do to several of his male friends.

When all of a sudden... the broad-shouldered policeman comes a-knocking! And with romance blooming in that sudden and slightly wooden one-glance way, he whisks Steve away to an immaculate police cell stuffed to the bars with huge pedestals filled with flowers, the likes of which you haven't seen since a 1982 Royal Variety performance! That's true love, we tell you.

High Stickin' (Zipper)
Picture the Scene... after losing a hockey match (seemingly as their team consisted of Gay-Faced porn stars who had last set foot on the ice during Disney's Ice-Capades) the coach berates the boys for their poor techniques in the locker room.

When All Of A Sudden... he's taking each of the boys aside to personally... um, drill his authority into them! No wonder they're rubbish - they can't even walk, let alone skate!

Homo Hunks (Maveric)
Picture The Scene... two gentlemen are about to do the horizontal fandango ( you can tell as one of them had laid down a doyley and put on a Judy Garland compilation tape). One of them looks a little nervous...

When All Of A Sudden... he's completely replaced! By a skinnier fool in what appears to be a blonde, curly wig. Oh, we tell you, we were having flashbacks to the start of Season 24 all over again (a joke for three people).

San Fran Puerto Rico (Load)
Two semi-decent marys are playing football with a - we'd also like to add 'handsome', but we ran out of kindness three weeks ago while watching Eurovision - man, while his shrill, cheap-permed girlfriend looks on with poorly-acted ennui. Realising he's left his Ratners gold chain in the boys' possession, he pops up to their department to get it back, leaving the 'Fran from The Nanny' girlfriend with his motorbike. Yes, a motorbike. And with him sporting a moustache Magnum would have been proud of, you can imagine what came next! Or can you?

For Then, All Of A Sudden... yes, he's being had left, right, up and down the brown alley by the boys, but that's not the surprise, for his girlfriend walks in! And is she obviously distressed and traumatised by the whole affair? Why no, she claps her hands, lowers herself into a seat and demands to watch! Causing considerable distress from the watchee, as now included in the 'main feature' is cut-away reaction shots of her frizzy-haired mug blowing bubbled and gurning like a cheap day-player. Oh the humanity! It's 'Masturbation Roulette' to the highest degree!

Thank you for playing!

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