Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Going To Birmingham To See The Queen (of Pop)

The House of Bamboo and Woodchip
Now normally I don't travel anywhere unless it's 4-star or above. But times are hard at Glitter for Brains after a spate of extravagances like our recent trip to Blackpool, purchase of the newest Beckham's afterbirth and a Tracy Emin exhibit we're going to use for firewood. So when my Evil Best Friend Declan suggested a quick trip to see Kylie in Birmingham, it was only a 2-star borstal that was in our price range. And one feels those two stars were only awarded for the recently fumigated waitresses.

Well, she's not subtle, is she?
Oiled men in gym-wear, cavorting around as she rose out the floor on a pummel horse. That's not even subtext. That's just text.

She rolled out all the hits with aplomb, valiantly living up to the 'Showgirl' name. 'Highly polished' doesn't just apply to her face these days; the whole even was timed at two hours to the very minute, was smooth and by-the-numbers. You can make up your own mind whether that's a negative thing - I like a bit of chaos. So while we were clapping and singing like window-licking Specials, you do have a feeling she's just trying to remember what her next dance routine and costume change is, poor love.

And my. It not unusual to see so many couples holding hands at a gig like this - but straight couples? There was a distinct lack of swivel-headed gays wheeling across the floor to get to the expensively monogrammed crop-tops for the first half.

Hilariously, I found them all in the loos.

Meanwhile, A Few Theatres Down...
...was the 'all new theatrical extravaganza - Love Shack!' starring Faye Tozer (Steps), Jon Lee (S Club) and Noel (Hear'Say). Written by Gary Barlow and based around some songs they cobbled together from a CD free in the Mail on Sunday.

T'was the story of a hen night and a stag do, and the hilarious adventures when they meet.

It never mentioned in the garish flyer at which party well-known theatre nancy Jon Lee was at.

My Moment In Hell
Kylie finished the gig by making us all do a Mexican wave.
As I saw the undulating wave travelling towards us, I accidentally yelled 'Eep! Tsunami!'

Even Declan was shocked.


cyberpete said...

Didn't you think the Kylie show was great? I thought it was awesome! The dancing was very polished but it lived up to the showgirl theme very well.
On a Night Like This was a bigger hoot but less stylish and grand.

Owen Blacker said...

Y'know, when my gay-men-fetishising female-catflap friend (yes, Lee, that female friend ;o) texted me that it was "just like gay porn" last night, I didn't quite believe her.

Then she sent me this photo.

Though it's a shame you didn't meet her, you'd like her (no, not in the way I did, don'worry). You didn't bump into any four-foot-something-with-massive-breasts girlies, did you?

Owen Blacker said...

PS: Love the tsunami gag.

Rob said...

Four foot something with massive breasts? Ha! Frankly I think Jen knows gay porn better even than Lee.

I'm foaming at the gash about seeing Kylie again. 11 days to go and I'm positively buzzing with anticipation.

Or is that coke?

Owen Blacker said...

Sorry, this photo

Jenny said...

You didn't bump into any four-foot-something-with-massive-breasts girlies, did you?"

oi! i'm 5 foot something.. (well, ok, 5 foot 1, but still!)

and i KNEW you didn't believe me, they were 'showering' on stage ffs! and then rubbing their sweaty bodies against each other!

all that was needed was for them to lose the pants..

(yes, Lee, that female friend ;o)

tsk, is there ANYONE you haven't told?! ;p

Owen Blacker said...

tsk, is there ANYONE you haven't told?! ;p

Fy mam. Think that's about it. ;o)

Jenny said...

oh dear Gods, and that's only a matter of time, yes?!

though.. i suspect i'll end up telling my mother...

Owen Blacker said...

*innocent smile*

Jenny said...

i have warned you about those smiles...

j(aded) said...

i'm too scared to read your review of kylie... don't want to ruin the surprise! 28 days and counting....

Miss Mish said...

Ohh you big girlie blouse...
Honestly sweetie that's not a diva. That's a midget with an ego who can't get a bloke.
Now, Ethel Merman ... THAT'S what I call a legend.