Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

HNNNNNNNNNNK!

Ahoy there, mateys!

We on the good ship HMS Glitter For Brains have been trawling the high-seas of music for the last couple of months, despairing at the lack of silly gay songs there are on the horizon (while delightfully getting acquainted with the largest volume of seamen we could find). For weeks there has been nary a blip on our Pop Sonar, leaving us convinced that the blasted thing was malfunctioning. We had to make sure by firing Ensign Rachel Stevens into the distance and checking she registered. Oh she protested, but she was already greased up thanks to us all performing a Peter Andre number on deck, and she slipped into the chaff cannon with an easy 'shhlunk!'

Anyway. Mere moments before we almost gave up our search, swallow our pride and drop anchor in Mariah Carey Bay, what should happen but Lieutenant SeyHey should spot something on the horizon! Why, it was the good ship - well, average ship - Geri Halliwell! The beaten-up battlecruiser of popular music, still tugging along like an old man in a raincoat! And what was that blasting out? Was it a foghorn, or was she singing..? Well it seemed to be the latter after much debate, some absurd number called 'Desire'.

It can only be described as preposterous. A hilarious number full of those electronic bleeps and boobs that the producer nicked out of the bin of Britney Spears' 'Toxic' recording and then smearing Mz Halliwell's heavily-sandpapered vocals over it with the consistency of Marmite. We heart it. It is silly pop record, the likes we hadn't heard since the squelchy dance-a-thon of the aforementioned Mz Stevens.

But lo! We were just making our report back to The Gay Council about our bounteous find when all of a sudden the HMS Halliwell was torpedoed by her record company! 'Desire' may not be released at all, let alone her equally ludicrous new album! Is she destined to sink without a trace? We do hope not - for one, lets be a little cruel and point out she's got more than a decent amount of ballast.

But all is not lost if she does start to keel. For on the horizon are four ships ready to drag her to safer pop waters - the HMS Mel C, Mel B, Victoria and Emma are tooting their horns, ready to refit her back in her union jack colours. Hurrah!
 

12 comments:

cyberpete said...

oh goodness no! They can't sink her! She even made a video :)

Ms Mac said...

Poor Geri. Poor, poor geri. I'll bet she's kicking herself now.

Thanks for the heads up on Christopher Eccleston Shitless, by the way!

cyberpete said...

Oh there was comment about her alledgedly (spelling?) being sacked from her record label on her website. She hasn't been, there'll be an official statement later.

Rob said...

I mourn the day EMI dropped her and she went to Innocent. This is the record label that is reposnible for Atomic Kitten remember so I doubt she'll ever reach the giddy heights of "Bag It Up" or "Feels Like Sex" ever again.

That said I kind of like the new single. It falls between several stools (on every level) and is very very odd, but I still like it.

But there's no way on God's earth it could possibly be a hit.

cyberpete said...

Yeah too bad she parted with EMI, Innocent is Virgin though so maybe there is a slight chance she'll make the top 3? Was Feels like sex a single?

I adore the new track and I can see it becoming as much a hit as Ride It which I thought was great but sort of absurd

Rob said...

Criminally "Feels Like Sex" was not a single. But it's still one of the best things she's ever done.

I think they did "Calling" instead.

Bluergh.

cyberpete said...

I loved 'feels like sex' and the french version of 'calling' was pretty decent.
For a while there my favorite was 'shake your bootie cutie'

SL&V said...

No Spicey Gurlies reunion Mr Glitter. Mel C has nixed the idea for good. She has "credentials" now dontcha know?

ie: she thinks she doesn't need nostalgia to pay for her pension.

Stupid.
Bitch.


Give me Spice Up Your fucking Life over Next Best Superstar (Mel obviously hasn't got a clue what irony is) anyday.

answer-man said...

**handbag**

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