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Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Meanwhile, In The Headmistress' Office...

Come in, come in, don't dawdle on the door jam - it's most unladylike. That's much better.

Now, Melanie. Melanie Chisholm. 'Mel C' as it says all over your rough book. Do take a seat. I suspect you're wondering why I called you here, aren't you. Well I'm just going to jump right in and say that to be perfectly honest we're not happy with your coursework. And so I just thought you and I could have a little chat, you know, before I had to call in your parents.

Don't tut, dear. One shouldn't tut in polite company.

Now, your latest effort... what's it called? 'Next Best Superstar'? Now, it isn't your best work, is it. I mean, we all had a listen in the staff room, and we all thought it was a bit of a joke. For one, your music teacher thought you'd sent in an essay you'd copied from your first year report and just changed the headings - and that's just sloppy. Is that what you want us to believe? No, I'm sure you don't. I mean, what do you think of it, Melanie? Hmm?

Don't mumble, dear. You'll never get a job in this world if you mumble. You think it's 'alright', do you? Well, 'alright' isn't really going to cut it here I'm sorry to say. There are plenty of girls in the lower forms who are doing a lot better than you are at the minute and you should really just watch your back as they'll zip past you like a shot, and they'll be taking all the best jobs and all the best men before you know it. And I'm sure all those nasty playground rumours are false, Mel dear. You would like to get married, wouldn't you.

And about your uniform - we here at Clithold School For Girls encourage the sixth form to dress out of uniform - not too extravagantly, of course. But every time we've seen you out of the grounds, you've been in the same jacket and trousers every night! Every appearance we've seen, it's the same little number. Which makes me wonder - is everything alright at home? I like to think you girls can come to me with any sort of problems...

Now I hope I'm not speaking out of turn but you used to be a so more fun when you were hanging around with those other girls - I know, I know, you were all for this 'Girl Power' thing, but all that really did was a bit of knock-and-run on the janitor's door. And we've all done that in our time! Don't look at me like that - I was young once, you know.

What was that? So were the dinosaurs? Now you be nice, young lady. But yes, you showed much promise after we expelled that awful Geri girl, flashing her knickers at the boys in the next school over. Tsk. You even stopped wearing those shabby tracksuits on mufty days too, and we all thought your work was really on the up. But this... this is just, well, not your best.

Sigh. We do want you to well, dear girl. But if you don't pull your finger out, expulsion is on the cards. It's harsh, I know, but we really only want the best for you - we really do. So will you go and think about it? I really, really don't want to have to call you in here again before the end of term. There, there, good girl. So go on. Blow your nose and go on, go back to class.

And be a dear and send in that naughty Natalie Imbruglia in on your way out...
 

15 comments:

Broadband Ian said...

Superb.

But you made Melanic C cry. For shame, sir, for shame.

rohin said...

you see, next best superstar has a superb sound and the lyrics are very okay in a trite way. i've come to expect nothing short of mediocrity from our darling mel. if i want a good solo spice effort (THIS IS NOT A PARADOX), i'll pop in emmy buu's Free Me. now there's a delicious piece of pop tart (both emmy's buu and her album.)

but i've gotta defend natalie imbruglia. i feel like she's done nothing but get better.

let's be real though. no one wants SERIOUS music from the spice girls. WE JUST WANT SOME POP DAMMIT!

bring back spiceworld.

Lee said...

And there's a stern look over to those Girls Aloud lasses, too. Their next is a cover of Chris Isaak's 'Wicked Game'? Shame on them.

Broadband Ian said...

Why does the Chris Isaak news lead me to expect a video with the Hen Party Five looking puzzled as they try to set out Ludo board?

CyberPete said...

But....but...but... Geri wasn't awful :(

Rob said...

Geri? Oh I dunno. She's picked some good songs, but I do wish the old tramp wasn't so determined to look like a post-operative brain-donor.

Heard the Mel C one the other day. Now Binding is aware I wasn't much impressed by her previous coursework, but I quite liked this. Admittedly my mind was elsewhere (where's my Sauvignon, barkeep?) but I was happily bobbing along to it.

Imbruglia, though, needs a good caning for her downward spiral. Apparently her new album was quite rocky originally, but the record company decided to bland it up again. The twats.

Owen Blacker said...

They're going to cover Wicked Game?!

Ok, Lee, I tried, but I may have to stop them. Sending a musclebound-but-slightly-podgy stripper in should distract them for a few days, right? Maybe a few weeks, if I add enough aerosol cream and a jaunty little thong.

Hmm, maybe I could get Burberry to open a store next to the recording studio...

CyberPete said...

How about that Dido girl, however impressive people might find the talent, she seems to clone previous coursework. She should get detention for that, maybe that'll help her get the sand out of those shoes of hers

Rob said...

The headmistress should come down hard on her anyway - Dido's been offering herself out for rent on school time.

cyberpete said...

Good point rob! As glittering teachers we should put her on the headmistress list

rohin said...

i don't think natalie's been on a downward spiral. if anything, i feel like she's been getting better. i love her new single and a few tracks of the album. but i think it's safe to say she'll never be popular in the states again.

SL&V said...

You expelled Geri?
And kept Mel C?

I'm telling Popjustice off you.

Call yourself a gay man? You starting to sound more like a lesbian every day.
Quick, someone, send in Kylie (only not the most recent video version, "Kylie does Chav").

cyberpete said...

We'll put on 'Better the devil you know' and 'Your disco needs you' for him when he gets back :)

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