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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Nature Abhors A Vacuum

More about Blackpool tomorrow; I have to explain the situations dictating why I should be walking through old London town last night carrying a hoover. For while my comedy housemate Jay and I have been living in our swankyLondonBridgePad for some six months now, we neglected to get a vacuum due to us possessing only the smallest patch carpet when you get through the door - equal in scale to that small Walnut Whip-shaped outcrop of hair that Bruce Willis insisted on sporting during the late nineties. So we basically did our best with a dustpan and brush, and Comedy Housemate Jay's patented Hard Stare alarming the rest of the dirt away.

Then a ridiculous weekend accident involving a squash racquet and some relative's ashes meant I finally caved and headed to top London department store John Lewis after work to purchase a hoover - although matters were complicated somewhat by my also arranging to meet Gertie there. We like to pretend we're a prissy couple arguing in tense, hushed tones over bedroom fittings whenever we're in large department stores. It's a brilliant game - one where you get so many extra points if you start involving unsuspecting members of the public. "I am right, aren't I?" you ask some shop assistant. "He's being completely unreasonable about the colour of the bathroom, just so it can match that awful painting his mother did for us?" Great fun.

Though complicated, as I say, by Gertie being unavoidably late. And I find there is a fine line between looking interested and looking shifty in a store. It's around seven minutes in my heavy-browed case. So as I was about to grab the mincing sales assistant in order to look less dubious, I was nigh-on pushed aside by some old witch who just insisted on talking to him about how awful Dysons were at picking up cat hair or somesuch, and how she wished there was a setting for 'Incontinence' on a Vax because of her husband's 'little troubles'. Meaning my selection process for said hoover wasn't exactly scientific. I just grabbed the first passing functionary, pointing at a vacuum that matched our kitchen cupboards just to allay the circling vulture-like store detectives.

So Gertie and I went drinking. And it turns out that the swankier the club you go drinking in, the less they bat an eyelid when you check your vacuum into the coat-check.

And I was going to buy some new porn on the way home. But Gertie pointed out that popping into one of those Private Shops to get your latest Gentleman's Recreational Video with a hoover in tow just gave completely the wrong impression.
 

14 comments:

Concrete X said...

Sod the vacuum - more Blackpool, ya beardy weirdy.

Lee said...

Tomorrow, ya baldy fool!

mainja said...

you know, vacuums work wonders on hardwood and tile too...

oh, and furniture.

vacuums, they're not just for carpets anymore. ;)

Rob said...

I hoover our gas cooker.

My flatmate ain't too specific about how much of the food ends up in the pan.

cyberpete said...

I have little fiery yellow one. It's a pretty intense little fella and you should be very sure you've nailed down everything before use.

ERL said...

your blog is hilarious! I love!

SL&V said...

We have a vacuum... I regularly play "Vacuum Wars" whilst cleaning the house.
If it doesn't trundle off in the wrong direction then it rams into me at high speed, if the end doesn't just drop off in exhaustion then it doesn't pick up the cat litter that gets thrown around in the cat's desperation to cover her enourmous "aromatherapy presents".
I HATE vacuums but they are a necessary evil.
One can only sweep so much without becoming hunch-backed.

Rob said...

Mine's a dinky little thing. I rather like it - although recently I found its effectiveness was becoming somewhat less than trying to suck the dust into a hanky.

I was on the verge of buying a new one when my flatmate suggested changing the bag. It really hadn't occurred to me - of course now the suction is so great I have to go down the gym just to get enough strength to push the bloody thing along.

SL&V said...

The bag is the one thing I just don't get,I had a vacuum for years without remembering to change the bag...

cyberpete said...

There is a filter too, you have to change it every five bag or so. I guess it will die before any of us get that priviledge

Spaceminx said...

Hoovers are great for getting rid of spiders. Eugh!

Rob said...

Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders. Hate spiders.

Not a fan.

SL&V said...

Especially the daddy long legs that take up residence in the corners of the room.
Vrrrrrrrr-thock!
And away goes their webby penthouse pad.
Yay!

cyberpete said...

Yeah but they can crawl back out again :(