Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, April 22, 2005


Good morning.

Well that's conjecture, of course. I do hope you're all having a marvellous morning - mine, whereas, commenced with a rude awakening thanks to... well, 'one too many' doesn't really do it justice. I'm rounding it up to fifteen to be in the ballpark area, meaning my cock-crow stirring felt rather too like a mummy's reanimation, and the sunlight streaming into my bedroom like a greased crowbar slipped in to somewhere intimate.

It was all Help's fault, I'm sorry to say. I'm a bit poor at the moment, so I didn't object so readily when she announced she was off for her usual light-fingered wanderings in Oddbins, returning with a bottle of the most curious shade and age (c.f. Dale Winton) which she claimed was 'at last, a shoplifting challenge worthy of her skills'. Apparently she had to distract the clerk with a fan-dance using her handbag and an overdue library book in order to pinch it, which must have been a sight. Though I'm feeling quite queer as it is, so I don't invite you to dwell on it too long.

But anyway, as the label was written in Arabic, and Help took great offence in my insistence that she could read it as 'she was Foreign too'. So we had no idea what it was best to mix with, and spent the best part of the evening trying various mixers in order to smooth the somewhat 'distinctive' taste into anything bordering the neighbourhood of palatable. The best we came up with after several goes was fabric softener.

And I remember deciding that the best idea in the world would be a Pot Poodle - like the student snack of choice, but when you add water, you get a ridiculous-looking dog instead of barely-edible noodles. And that we should take down the chandeliers and use them for earrings next time we have a ball, but after that it's a bit of a blur. Though when I woke up, Help and I had somehow swapped clothes. Ugh, polyester.

So - all together now - ooh, my head. One of you minions, be a love and nip and get me a bacon sandwich, will you? Ta.


c'lam said...

best thing for a fabric conditioner hangover is that scented water for your iron.

Vampire Librarian said...

Ooh, poor Lee. Hope you feel better now and that the polyester didn't give you a rash.

dolly said...

oh dear!!! Sounds awful but has made for a funny entry. You poor thing. Best stick with orange juice next time, eh?