Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A Small Vacation

Look, you can amuse yourself for a couple of days, can't you? I've left you some microwave lasagne tucked behind the dog, and I took the liberty of writing the number of the local pizza parlour on something... what was it now? Oh yes, your forehead. Do be careful when you're reading it in the mirror - backward 5's look rather like 2's, and I don't want you calling any mucky phonelines. Accident or no.

Where am I going? Ah, I'd like to tell you, but it's all rather a surprise for my poor Wife and I don't want him to know just yet. I'll tell you all about it on Monday in glorious detail. Needless to say, it's off the beaten track - as is often want by Gentlemen Who Adore Show Tunes.

So you behave. I'm getting the neighbours to pop in and take a look at you - make sure you haven't found where we've hidden the power tools like last time. And if you see any plug sockets we haven't taped up, do be a dear and don't lick them. It was very tiring for us last time, what with being called home from Mauritius because you were part of the national grid.

No, I've explained before - we can't take you with us. We tried getting you a passport, but the lovely people in Her Majesty's Government wouldn't put you down as our offspring. They wouldn't even put you down as the same species, but I thought that was just being unkind. So we'll see you all on Monday with tales and larks and everything.

Goodbye, dear. And no touching yourself in your special place.

(door slams)
 

52 comments:

rohin said...

you should point your readers to MY luscious site to keep themselves entertained :)

come back soon!

Anonymous said...

fuck u lee binding -

i hate your guts and i'm gonna kick your head in


WITHELD

Anonymous said...

I FUCKING HATE U LEE
I FUCKING HATE U LEE
I DESPISE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
I'M GONNA BEAT U UP SO FUCKING HARD

WITHELD

Anonymous said...

i know where u work at contender - 2nd floor -

i've been there -

your gonna get whats coming to u

witheld

Anonymous said...

your probably wondering who i am?

well we've met but for all the wrong reasons in the end

your past is coming back to haunt u


witheld

Anonymous said...

you've ruined my life
now i'm going to ruins yours

witheld

Vampire Librarian said...

Considering it took you three minutes to post that drivel witheld that should be how long Lee should worry about it.

Rob said...

Oh good. The troll's back.

Have fun dear, and come back refreshed!

SL&V said...

Oh, can we beat him whilst Lee's away?
Now that WOULD brighten up our Glitter free days ;)

Broadband Ian said...

Dear Witheld Troll

I think if you're going to write threatening notes to Lee, it might be an idea to attach them to a post that doesn't indicate he's now going to be away for a few days.

See if he's actually here, he'd be able to read them, wouldn't he?

missmish said...

Oh I love this 'withheld' thing!
It's like street theatre. You can't actually beleive that there are some poor morons out there who actually think it's worthwhile. And it just makes you laugh....

James said...

Withheld, what did Lee actually do to you - sorry, u - to inspire such subliterate rage? Take one of your sweeties without asking? Kidnap your dolly?

Anonymous said...

I didn't waste my precious time reading that fuckin shite from fuckin lee -

so i didn't know he was gonna be away for a few days - lucky for him cos i was seriously planning to wait outside his office at contender this afternoon and beat him up -

and i aint joking either. as to what did fuckin lee do to me -

well thats my business and not yours - but i despise lee more than u could imagine -

and i don't give a shit if i end up with a assault/murder charge/ or do time in jail when i DO beat him up when he comes back

WITHELD

c'lam said...

ooh, the intrigue, its all too much.

you really are a star, what with death threats and some kind of anonymous stalker.

Cyberpete said...

All very Dynasty isn't it? Caress Morell coming back to Denver to take down her sister dearest Alexis |although Lee doesn't have a mean bone in his body|

James said...

Well, Withheld, you're kind of making it our business by spewing your bile and threatening our friend in a public forum. (Which is itself illegal, you know - you could well find yourself being visited by the police before you have a chance to lay a finger on anybody)

All you?ve done so far is rant psychotically; you?ve offered not a scrap of evidence that Lee deserves even a mild slap across the knuckles, never mind the poison we keep hearing from you! Lee, on the other hand, has offered a great many people a vast amount of evidence that he is kind, generous, witty, a great friend and a generally fantastic human being. So, I really can?t imagine that your presence here has any legitimacy whatsoever.

Therefore, kindly please stop threatening our friend, go away, and get a life. Preferably in that order.

Snooze said...

Lee, I just logged on to wish you a nice vacation and to tell you to hurry back as I truly can't amuse myself for a few days. And then I see that apparently they have Internet access at the psyche ward. It's good to see that the people who know you are ready to do battle on your behalf.

Steve said...

Hear Hear James - very well said.

Jay said...

This man has made me tired. Don't do that... I don't like my flatmate being threatened... though he seems to think he's going to attack lee in broad daylight in central london... hmmm, not teh best thought through plan I've ever heard so mayeb I shouldn't worry...

He's also got an extremely tiresome melodramatic streak.

Anonymous said...

Just as well fuckin lee is on vacation otherwise i would be in a police cell right now for assault and lee would be in intensive care

WITHELD

dars lars said...

This is getting boring now, and a tad worring. This guy is obviously completely hatstand. Has anyone called the rozzerz yet!!!!!
Lee darling just steer clear of anyone that looks like they have just finished a shift in Mr Byrite when you leave work and you will be fine....
Mr Anonymouse, please just go away!

skip said...

Sad how someone who's obviously never even hit a nail spends so much time fantasising about violence towards Lee.

It's obviously Anon's version of porn. Since he's probably given up all hope of being touched fondly by a human being.

PS: Anon, are you who I think you are? In which case... *snicker*

SL&V said...

Oh goodie, Skip knows who it is!
I presume this is the recurring troll that Lee knows all about and has already taken steps towards lez gendarmes?

I think it'd be fun, I mean wise, to track down his IP address and send round someone big and heavy, perhaps the body of the Pope?

Dantallion said...

As it stands "witheld", It seems to me that it's not a Police Cell that you need to be in right about now, but another cell of a completely different variety.

I can read the headline now:

"Psychotic But Somewhat Cowardly Drama Queen to Spend Next 20 Years in Mental Institution for Uttering Ridiculous Threats on Internet. Humiliation of Himself Sends Him Over the Edge."

Holly said...

Anonymous do have a lie down darling,those awful feelings will soon pass.
Have a wonderful holiday Lee and hurry back to lighten our lives once more.

Spike said...

Troll dear, if you brushed your teeth occasionally Lee would never have knocked you back for a headjob in the first place.

Love the blog, Lee. Even your trolls are amusing.

Spike said...

Troll dear, if you brushed your teeth occasionally Lee would never have knocked you back for a headjob in the first place.

Love the blog, Lee. Even your trolls are amusing.

Spike said...

Troll dear, if you brushed your teeth occasionally Lee would never have knocked you back for a headjob in the first place.

Love the blog, Lee. Even your trolls are amusing.

Rob said...

I can't help but feel that someone who harbours such fantasies, is demonstrably sub-literate and emotionally unstable doesn't need any outside help in ruining their lives at all. They're perfectly capable of doing it on their own.

I've known Lee for about six years now and whilst we've had our ups and downs there is nothing he could do to deserve even a fraction of such an insane tirade against him. He's a nice guy, WitHeld, so leave him alone.

Anonymous said...

Nice guy? Your obviously biased as u sound like a mate of his -

but believe me these are not threats or fantasies - i intend to carry this out. i would have done already if he wasn't away this week so he wants to think himself lucky.

I believe the fat bastard was on holiday again only just a few weeks ago when i turned up at his office in contender 2nd floor - so he's escaped yet again.

WITHELD

SL&V said...

You are sooooo busted when he gets back. Idle threats these may be but they're still threats and you can be prosecuted just for what you've said so far.
Which brings a smile to my face :)

skip said...

Also, Withheld, for all your claims to omniscient stalkerdom, you've missed out that Lee has recently slimmed down "massively" from a "fat bastard" 32 to a "skimpy" 30.

Honestly, these days he's like a suave whippet.

Jay said...

Bless him, this is obviously the closest Withheld has managed to get to having a friendly conversation. If he keeps practising he might be able enough to meet real people and who knows, maybe even make a friend. Though if this is the best he can do as far as conversation goes then i guess not.

Holly said...

I'm not one to mock the afflicted but Anonymous has some issues here,perhaps getting out more instead of spending his life as a keyboard gangster would resolve them.
In other words GET A LIFE!!!

paddalumpakins said...

Holy shit. WITHELD - get a grip, take some drugs, and fuck off. Nobody needs this shit.

Anonymous said...

I am busted when fuckin Lee gets back?

Excuse me but this was meant for him to read first hand - i wasn't aware he was away (again) until one of his cronies pointed out.

As for me being prosecuted - i don't think so - i think the police would be interested in some of the things i could tell them about fuckin lee.

As for fuckin lee slimming down - no matter what size his waist is, he is still the fuckin ugliest bastard you could ever set your eyes on.

Anonymous said...

WITHELD

janice said...

is that why you still love him?

SL&V said...

Methinks someone needs to "get over it". So what if he didn't send you flowers on Valentines day ten years ago, forgot your birthday and never bought you a drink but some things just need to be let go.
Take a deep breath, imagine your life is really like a L'Oreal advert (you're worth it) and find yourself a new playmate.

Oh and move out of your parents basement, it's cramping your (lack of) style. Cheers.

Snooze said...

So back to Lee's post...

Lee, why is it that you get to go on vacation and I can't even touch myself in my special place? How fair is that? Not only do I miss your updates, my main source of amusement [touching myself] is gone. Sigh.

cyberpete said...

Maybe he means that we should get other people to touch us in our special place? |something that Wathead can't manage|

SL&V said...

Just pretend your "special place" isn't that special.
Works for me ;)

Anonymous said...

fuckin lee clever fat bastard binding - i'd kill him with my bare hands right now if i could get away with it

WITHHELD

Snooze said...

Thank you to cyberpete and hawke for the excellent suggestions. I think I just may survive until Lee is back.

SL&V said...

No problems... I have a DVD (or two) out about it and everything ;)

cyberpete said...

what's the titles hawke? I'm feeling an itch in the not so special place :P

SL&V said...

No gratuitous self-promotion here... you'll have to visit MY blog for that ;)

Miss Mish said...

Oh damn. I've missed it all over the weekend. I was just settling down with the popcorn and the front row seat to watch er... I believe they call it 'community theatre' or possibly 'street therapy' these days. Whatever, it took over from basket weaving a few years ago.
Now have we figured out the THEME of withhelds jihad yet?

Owen Blacker said...

Oh goodness, why does nobody tell me when there's trolls to giggle at. I spent all of yesterday in such a hungover stupor that I forgot even to check Lee's blog, let alone get the oppportunity to point and laugh.

It's just not good enough. Next time, can you email me, James? *GRIN*

(Oh and Binding: next time, please do lemme know if there's the opportunity to blag 200 cheap ciggies, eh? ;o)

SL&V said...

Gratuitous "make it to #50" comments comment.
:)

Spaceminx said...

How very convenient that both times our knuckle dragging friend turned up to bitch slap our lovely Lee - he wasn't in. Do I detect a hint of all-mouth-no-soiled-trousers there?

Oh and BTW Anon, you'll have to get through me first you little gobshite.

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