Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Ten Things I've Learned About Updating Your CV

With thanks to Gertie, who proofed the original.

1) Do not get distracted while writing your CV to go and make a cup of tea. Especially when you leave it on screen. And you come back to find your boss writing a post-it note on your monitor.

2) 'Know all the dance moves to "Spice Up Your Life"' is apparently not a skill.

3) Using clip-art is a no-no.

4) Using 'Tom of Finland' clip-art is a definite no-no.

5) When writing to prospective employees, rumour has it that it is uncouth to write 'GETMEOUTOFHEREGETMEOUTOFHEREGETMEOUTOFHEREGETMEOUTOFHERE!!!' on the envelope.

6) 'My new office must be FILLED with kittens!' is not an attractive rider for any new employee.

7) Your management style should stated as be 'outstanding, with great people skills' rather than 'excessively flouncy'.

8) 'Have own wand' is apparently not a qualification.

9) Lie outrageously about your school qualifications as no-one checks these days. Meaning you can finally shirk that 'A' in Needlepoint from the record.

10) Do not use scented notepaper.


Rob said...

I actually got the person who interviewed me for this job to rewrite mine a couple of weeks back.

He did a damn good job too. Got me the interview and everything.

It's just I then decided I couldn't be fagged to move jobs for the same money. I have an (intended) lifestyle to afford!

Snooze said...

Tom of Finland clip art? heehehe. Mind you, where I work half the office are big fans of Tom's work - it might count in your favour.

mainja said...

i don't know, i think i would be inclined to hire an employee who wanted lots of kittens...

Dantallion said...

'Excessively flouncy' actually got me a job once.

But that's a post for another day.

cyberpete said...

I can't say that "Know all the dance moves to "Spice Up Your Life" was what got me the job but I did know them - why didn't they ask?

Owen Blacker said...

"'Know all the dance moves to "Spice Up Your Life"' is apparently not a skill'"

But of course it's a skill. We spent time and energy at that task. Certainly more than any of us has spent on some of our actual work projects? ;o)

Miss Mish said...

And may I also suggest that offering 'extras' on your CV is probably a bad idea too.
But hell, I was a young struggling model and times were hard....

Skip said...

Extra hint: Don't include frank comments about your referees.