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Monday, May 23, 2005

Glitter For Brains At The Movies: Catwoman!

We go so you don't have to!

Rather a bit of a delay on this one and it should really be called 'Glitter for Brains At The Video Store'. But still, we thought we'd better share with you our thoughts on possibly the worst film of the last year, So, without further ado:


CATWOMAN: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT!

THE AUDIENCE: (SHUFFLING WITH POPCORN)
Right then. Lets see why this is so bad that Dame Sharon Stone is being forced into doing 'Basic Instinct 2'.

CUE TITLES.
They show many paintings through HISTORY of WOMEN. Dressed as CATS. Including JOAN OF ARC.

THE AUDIENCE:
Oh. Right you are.

CUT TO: HALLE BERRY LYING FACEDOWN IN A RIVER.

HALLE:
Preamble preamble the day I died overly-portentous nonsense.

THE AUDIENCE turns to each other and shrugs.

CUT TO: HEDARE BEAUTY HQ - THE DAY BEFORE.

HALLE BERRY is running up the STAIRS, late. She is MOUSY. People BUMP into her. Her outfit is BAGGY and contains POLKA-DOTS. It shows that she is ripe for a HOLLYWOOD-STYLE MAKE-OVER. We follow her up the stairs to HEDARE BEAUTY HQ using SWOOPY-CAM, a revolutionary technique where the camera is strapped to the UNDERSIDE of an OWL. Then several MICE are hidden into the HAIR of each CAST MEMBER, and the owl is thrown into the ROOM. The results are CONSTANTLY MOVING, nausea-inducing CUT-SCENES and CRASH-ZOOMS.

THE AUDIENCE:
So dizzy... oh so dizzy...

SWOOPY-CAM settles on a beam in the office to show us HALLE has the obligatory CUBICLE MATES: a DUMPY GIRL who likes sex, and a flamboyant GAY BOY.

DUMPY GIRL:
Boys! More boys! Lets go and lick police officers and say we won't come quietly wink-wink!

THE GAY ONE:
Look! A man! Squeal! Hammer home stereotype!

THE AUDIENCE:
Now look. He can't be gay. He'd have disowned her years back for that outfit.

HALLE:
You guys. You know I'm frigid and completely ill-at-ease with my sexuality! Besides, I have this presentation to do, which I have to hand in at the Ol' Abandoned Spooky Factory. At midnight.

CUE LIGHTNING.

CUT TO: THE OL' ABANDONED SPOOKY FACTORY.

HALLE:
Hello..?

SHARON STONE (IN THE NEXT ROOM):
Blah blah top secret, blah blah cream of death? Is she outside now? Right, OK. (loudly) Then it would be terribly inconvenient for us if any of this got out, of course?

HALLE:
Oh!

SHARON STONE:
Kill her, Generic Hoods!

HALLE is chased into the SEWERAGE SYSTEM by two GENERIC HOODS. While she's LOCKED IN, they find the CONTROL PANEL and ACTIVATE the system.

THE AUDIENCE:
Well, isn't it nice to see that even gun-carrying hoodlums have been trained in the inner-workings of a top secret beauty plant. Hedare must really care about their staff to give them career opportunities like that.

Anyway, the SEWERS flush out onto the OCEAN. HALLE BERRY is DEAD. And shortly, so is her CAREER.

But then! From 'Sabrina The Teenage Witch', SALEM THE CAT's LESS-CONVINCING sock-puppet COUSIN comes and breathes LIFE into HALLE'S dead form! Halle Berry is reborn! Into CATWOMAN! With a new wardrobe from nowhere! And a new hairstyle created using MAGIC SCISSORS that cut hair without going near it - and give her SALON-STYLE HIGHLIGHTS.

CUT TO: A JEWEL ROBBERY.
THREE CROOKS are robbing a jewelers. HALLE slinks in wearing a slinky leather outfit. She looks SEXY.

PITOF, THE DIRECTOR (FROM ONTOP OF HIS GIANT DIRECTING OWL):
Right zen, Halle. Remember your clazzes! Pretend to be ze cat!

HALLE:
What a puuuuuurrr-fect crime!

And her sexiness CRASHES AND BURNS.

HALLE licks herself and HACKS A HAIRBALL at the crooks. We are then treated to some footage of the XBOX GAME instead of FINISHED CGI as she jumps THIS WAY and THAT to subdue the thieves. She looks around the DEVASTATION.

Halle:
What a meow-ess!

THE AUDIENCE groans.

CUT TO: SHARON STONE'S APARTMENT
HALLE enters while SHARON STONE appears to be SHAVING HER CHIN.

HALLE:
I know you're something to do with how I died.

SHARON STONE:
You know you can trust me. I just happen to be a complete bitch to everyone else.

Halle:
Ok, I'll trust you!

SHARON STONE:
Really? What really?

Halle:
Yup. Even with my supersensitive nose, I can't smell the slightest bit of trouble here!

SHARON STONE (BLINKING):
Blimey. Right you are. Catch.

HALLE:
What's this?

SHARON STONE:
It's a smoking gun. With your gloved, er, prints all over it! Now it looks like you shot my despotic husband instead of me and you will go to prison!

HALLE:
Is that how you're going to stop me? By using something 'Murder, She Wrote' wouldn't stoop to?

SHARON STONE:
Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo! Arrest her officer, she killed my husband. Boo-hoo.

OFFICER:
Well, it does look like you're guilty. Holding a gun and everything, regardless of motive. Besides, we managed to match your lipstick to a crime scene using 'Adobe Lippy' back at the station?

HALLE:
Oh no! I am done for! I must flea! I mean - oh forget it.

SHE DOES.

SHARON STONE:
Aha! This means I am free to send out the Evil Face-Cream of Death to all! Bwahahaha!
(looks to officer)
I mean, er, 'boo' and indeed 'hoo'. Not evil. I'm not.

CUT TO: HEDARE BEAUTY HQ
SWOOPING SHOT right to the TOP OF THE BUILDING, around the BUILDING, through the GLASS, DOWN A LEVEL then into the LIFT, down ANOTHER LEVEL and out into SHARON STONE'S EVIL LAIR.

THE AUDIENCE:
Director Pitof! Nail your foot to the floor! STOP THE CAMERA MOVING!

SHARON STONE:
...so now my Evil Face Cream will be sent across the world, and every woman will become addicted!

MINIONS APPLAUD.

HALLE busts in and drags away SHARON STONE. There is a BIG FIGHT in a warehouse full of SHARON STONE PICTURES. For NO DISCERNABLE REASON.

We are treated to some MORE SCENES from the XBOX game as HALLE, HALLE'S CGI MODEL, HALLE'S BURLY MALE STUNT DOUBLE and HALLE'S ACTION FIGURE (for long shots) are put through their PACES. THEY and SHARON STONE FIGHT.

SHARON STONE:
But the best side effect is this make-up hardens the skin to rock!

THE AUDIENCE:
Excuse me?

SHARON STONE:
My skin has hardened to marble. I am impervious!

THE AUDIENCE:
You jest, surely? No? How silly is this film. We though it could be a last minute script addition to explain away your serious Botoxing...

THEY FIGHT MORE.

SHARON STONE:
Don't kill me! Do you not see this is a damning indictment on the modern fashion industry and commercialism?

THE AUDIENCE:
Is it? Good lord. That's very forced...

But HALLE is momentarily DISTRACTED by the CAN OPENER three doors down. Then SITS DOWN to watch some DUST floating past.

So SHARON STONE falls to her DEATH.

Cut to:
CGI HALLE WALKING ALONG A MOONLIT ROOFTOP

HALLE (SUMMING UP):
And that's why my life must be one of loneliness. The life of a cat.

She bounds around like a POWERBALL, while the camera SWOOPS OFF into the DISTANCE, SWINGING AROUND and LOOPING THE LOOP.

DIRECTOR PITOF:
Ze brilliant film, yez!

THE AUDIENCE:
We feel sick.


THE END.
 

6 comments:

cyberpete said...

You forgot to mention that Benjamin Bratt and the mother from 'Six feet under' is in it too. Not that this makes much difference

kim said...

TWO!

THUMBS!

UP!

Hurrah. I laughed. Particularly at the can opener joke.

Owen Blacker said...

So, erm, you didn't like it much? :)

j(aded) said...

Gold!

Everybody laughed. I cried. It was much better than Cats.

Rob said...

Well... the concept of the owl and the mice for Swoopy Cam just made me do a nosetrick with hot coffee, but still I are chuckling.

I think you should patent that you know.

Dr Henrik Ziegler said...

Dammit! Where do I get my very own Giant Directing Owl?! I want FOUR!