Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

"Mother? Is that you? Where have you been?!"

"I was on that hen party! Just got back. You know, the one in Magaluf for the weekend? Although by the time we were finished with it, they'd taken to calling it 'Mega Rough' apparently... But - aww! - you should have seen the hotel! God it was funny! It was full of German OAPs! I'm telling you - we didn't have to get up early to put our towels on the sun loungers because every single one of them was in wheelchairs! You couldn't move for wrinklies on wheels - and if they weren't in wheelchairs, they all had those zimmerframes with wheels on 'em! Ahahaha! It was like the place were you sent Krauts all to die in the sun - some sort of German Aush-witss or however you say it. And the pool! The pool had a ramp down into it! And one of those little seats where you lower yourself in! I didn't know why they bothered - the verucca foot-pool at the local baths was deeper than this. Of course there was a hand rail all along the corridors too, which was really useful for when you were coming back from the pub a bit pissed. Which we were. Every night. We got told off by the Germans for that - they banged on Maggie's door yelling 'NO NOISE! NO NOISE!' at 2am. They wouldn't even look at us when we went down for breakfast the following morning, but that was probably because Maggie still smelled of tequila and had a bit of sick in her hair and I still had my backpack on I'd pinched from some bouncer in exchange for a snog. But I tell you, every one of the tables only had one chair - and that was for their carers - so they could get three wheelchairs around it! You know we should have known because, you know the brochure how they normally have pictures of loads of people around the pool? Well, there was no-one in these! It was completely empty Fabulous! And I got a number for a taxi driver but anyway, I'll call you again soon - you know it's my birthday coming up - I'm just warning you now because you always forget - and you can take me clubbing or something nice, alright? Good. Speak soon, love you!"




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