Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, May 13, 2005

"These Cows..."

The general consensus is that Dame Kylie Minogue isn't very tall, though the glorious hypercyberinterweb is rather at odds in explaining exactly how high she is with ranges from an optimistic 'Three-foot two' to a smaller 'Borrower' - although the only consistent I could find is that she is 'roughly equivalent to five bags of sugar'. Alas, this doesn't indicate whether that's a measurement of her height, her weight, how square her face, or how teeth-damagingly sweet she is.

Lets say that this is indeed referencing her height, thus meaning she can still shop at Mothercare - modifying those world-famous hotpants from a Chambray one-piece romper suit. As well as being able to escape any undue attention in supermarkets by sitting in the front of the trolley while being pushed around the pasta isle by her charmingly gay former stylist, Will Baker. Thus.

It's No Secret

And while this may be wild yet idle speculation, further fuel was added by her current record company getting a dog flap of exactly one foot seven high, which is almost the size of five bags of sugar, you may very well note. So we asked record company off the record if it was for her but they pretended they weren't in.

So I have to ask about Dame Minogue's concert recently seen by all and sundry - was she just short or was she just far away? I mean, what if they could have saved on set construction if they'd got dancers as tall as she was? Or maybe just hired some lithe toddlers?

Hmm yes. Apparently her tour cost £5 million earth pounds. But what about if you realise that she is that short then you could do the performance by putting the whole thing on in a Barbie playset with a television behind for some rear projection, use a large magnifying glass, and no-one in the audience would be the bit wiser. £30 for the stage, £130 for the telly for the back projection and about, ooh, £50 for all the Cow&Gate they can eat!



And you're pocketing over £4.5 million for non-obvious face-freezing cosmetic surgery. The brilliance of it all!

The only problem is that she can't do this trick outdoors, meaning her imminent headlining at Glastonbury is going to be a problem, for just one stray ray of sunshine hits that magnifying glass, the crinkle-free pop moppet will pop and burst into a variance of flames so poppy and so intense and so explosive that the entire planet will be covered in a layer of glitter two inches thick and wholly ruin our ecosphere.


But what a fabulous way to go.


Skip said...

i love you. i adore you. you funny funny man. encore! bravo! hurrah!

cyberpete said...

LOL! I have that stage somewhere at my parents house. ACtually I have a tv studio and the kitchen too. All we need now is Miss K!

j(aded) said...

Dame Minogue has just landed on our shores for her concerts this week. I shall be sure to take a magnifying glass to the show... and a trolley to take her home with me!