Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Birmingham in Four Parts

PART I: They've Really Done The Place Up.

Not Photoshopped!

PART II: The People Are Really Unfriendly.
"I like your shoes," she said.
I had no idea who she was, just a goth girl wandering by with her friends. I grinned inanely, completely taken aback. One should respond... though 'Aren't they, though!' seemed a little facetious and possibly Gayer Than Christmas, so I let that one by.
Whirr. Crank. Beep went my brain. I couldn't well say 'I like your hair' because it was plastered to her skull with black dye and grease. On the plus side, it was very shiny, but 'Wow! I bet I could see my face in your hair!' just didn't seem right. What was left? Her outfit was a voluminous lace affair without shape or style, and I couldn't see her own shoes from the grubby train of her dress.
"Er. Thank you," I said, and grinned like a loon. She smiled the sweetest smile and went.

PART III: You Will Do Well Here.

Nor this one!

PART IV: There Are Some Nice Places To Stay
My sister is always late, always loud and always about her.
We kicked around in the hotel reception for a while, waiting for her apparently imminent arrival. Of course she'd been given directions, and of course she'd lost them, so was phoning Mother every two minutes to find out the next thing she should do. So I passed the time by flicking through the in-house magazine, snorting at an article that was trying to tie in the hotel's name with that of 'Prada', 'Coutts' and 'Stolichnaya' by mentioning them in the same sentence in an almost hypnotic rhythm.
Well. Four star it may be, but come on: It just happened to be posh for the Midlands - though the queue of Jodie-Marsh-a-likes trying to get into the cocktail bar with their Restraining-Order boyfriends the previous night did put a new spin on this. There was one girl who waited outside for an hour in a skirt that looked like the off-cut of some turned-up jeans, and a top that wouldn't keep a tit-mouse dry in a drizzle. And you'd think with the rate she was gulping down some costly 'Flirtinis' that her boyfriend could afford to buy her a coat.
However this morning the hotel seemed quiet, almost stately. Scraping the last of the blonde bombsites out at 2am had done wonders for the place, and the still atmosphere of the reception was edging towards refined.
"She's here," pointed the Wife, pointing at the double doors. He seemed to be taking a deep breath.
"Look at this!" screeched a voice across the foyer, holding up her hand-bag. "Six quid! Six quid from Matalan!"
I bounded over and hugged my sister, mostly to shut her up.
She hugged the Wife. "I'm a right chav, me," she said. "Love Matalan." I noticed he was holding her at arms length, ostensibly trying to get a look at her, though with the subtly of someone holding an electric eel.
"You must tell us all about what you've been up to," steering her away from the hotel.
"Ere," she said. "What do you call a chav in a white tracksuit?"
I shrugged.
"The bride," she said and cackled on.


Concrete X said...

You were in Birmingham over the weekend, too?

I, for one, am not going back.

I have Taken Against It.

Owen Blacker said...

So you'll voyage to *shudder* Birmingham, but not visit me in lovely Zone 4? Tsk.

Tsk, I say!

Lee said...

Young Owen:
Good point. In all fairness, voyaging to Zone 4 and Birmingham are comparable: it takes just as long, and you're just as likely to have your gold teeth removed by someone called Darren.

Young Concrete:
Oh yes.

Though I doubt we were in the same areas. I was with my mother, and you were probably in a paddling pool in a darkened room somewhere, chatting to someone called Sargeant Fisty.

Rob said...

My Dad's from Birmingham. You'd never have guessed, though (he hides it well).

Only been once myself though. Luckily I managed to be pretty much plastered from start to finish of the whole weekend which helped enormously.

And the Birmingham IBIS seems to have been entirely modelled on set designs from Prisoner Cell Block H.

Concrete X said...

I have never seen that Sergeant Fisty, before. But if you could give me his gaydar nick, that'd be great.

I was about 10 minutes walk from New Street.

I kind of liked Selfridges. The rest of it is just ARSE.


Lee said...

You should have seen it in the time Before Concete Was Banned.


cyberpete said...

I used to have a crush on someone from Birmingham... Of course I didn't know he was from Birmingham back then

Lee said...

(flutters fan)

Oh you're too kind!

What? What did I say? Why are you laughing?

cyberpete said...

You're from Birmingham? Ooooh... hehe

Vampire Librarian said...

What does chav mean?

Explain using small words please.

I'm American.