Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Derren Brown

Two coffee mugs slammed down on the table.
"So what did you do this weekend? More imaginary things?"
I raised an eyebrow, slightly affronted. "How very dare you. I went to see Derren Brown at the behest of my friend Katherine. Obsessed, you know."
"Derren Brown?"
"No, her."
"Ah. Who he?"
"The stage hypnotist."
"Oh 'im. I've Taken Against Him."
"Is it because of his spooky powers" I waved my fingers in a suitably mystical way. Neil flinched.
"Naw. It's the name. 'Derren'.
"What's wrong with that?"
"It sounds like something a posh badger would live in."
"Hmm."
"So was he good?"
"I'm not sure. He spent the whole time subtly hypnotising you so the finale would work. So perhaps I was hypnotised into thinking it was a good... "
"You don't sound sure."
"Well. You do have to pay attention to be hypnotised, don't you?"
Neil sighed. "You silly bugger."
"Don't you start. You attention span is legendary in its shortness."
"Watch it," he rumbled.
"Come on! Last time you popped to the Gents, we found you three weeks later with a sticker for Majorca on your forehead and a wedding veil on!"
"That's not true," he said, making a great show of stirring his coffee. "It were Malaga."
"Although I do recall you came back with a good tan. Your shaved head made you look like a giant baked bean."
"You're getting a thump, Binding."
"Anyway. I don?t think the hypnotism worked on me because I had this tune stuck in my head."
"Oh I get that all the time."
"Really?
"Yes. 'Copacabana'."
"'Copacabana'? Just 'Copacabana'?
"Yup. There's not much room for anything else."
He returned my gaze with a smile. I harrumphed.
"Well, while he was working his Dark Magic, I had current exciting beat-combo The BodyRockers in my noggin. You know, with their new hit tune 'I Like The Way You Move'."
He didn't until I sang a bit, managing to hit one of the notes and injuring several others. We finally agreed that this was A Good Song.
"Unfortunately," I continued, "it slowly devolved into a Victorian vaudeville version."
"Eh?"
"Well. It was sort of more polite. It went ''My dear lady. There are so many things I'm quite smitten with about you, One.. One just doesn't know where to begin. One likes the way you, perambulate. One likes the way you, beat the maid. But most of all. Why yes... Most of all... One likes the way you move! One likes the way you move!'"
I stopped, lowering my arms, acutely aware that the other patrons of the coffee shop were staring. I coughed and pretended to wipe sleep from my eyes.
"They changed their names to 'The BodyOscillators' and everything."
"Shut up."
"Ok."
My mug was now empty so I pushed it idly around the table.
"So he did he or did he not hypnotise you then?"
"Not. I think. Well, maybe. I think there was an odd side effect with only half-concentrating."
"Like what?"
"I think I fancy him now," I said, head unintentionally low.
"Derren Brown? The badger man?"
"Don't call him that."
Neil crossed his arms. "That's stupid."
"Well. The biggest trick of the Devil was to convince us all that he didn't exist."
"So the biggest trick of the hypnotist was convincing us that his short, balding frame is kinda cute?"
"It's a good talent to have."
"I can hypnotise a rabbit, you know. Perhaps I can upgrade from that slowly."
"You can't hypnotise a rabbit. Can you?"
"Yes. Unfortunately I can't remember how to de-hypnotise it."
"Oh."
"My poor eight-year-old neighbour was traumatised after that party."
"You know that thump? You're getting two now."
"Back off! I have powers!"
"Like fun you do."
"...and when I click my fingers, it's your turn to get the coffees."
Click!
Neil stared on. I sighed and got up. "Yours is a skimmed latte, right."
"Right."
And I sloped off towards the counter.
 

4 comments:

Rob said...

Apparently the flatmate knows him.

But he won't go anywhere near him because BadgerMan has left some kind of trigger in his mind from their first encounter at a Uni Fresher's week show and can take control of him at any time. He's run into Brown a couple of times since then and has woken up to find he's just taken part in the show when all he did was walk past the door.

But yeah... he could be attractive - in the right light, with an easterly wind, and if I was squinting and under some kind of deadly thrall. Otherwise, not fussed.

Kat said...

oooOOOoooh that makes it only FOUR degrees of separation!
I think I qualify as Dezza'a protege just ask the Wife I have been barking on about spooky stuff half my life!

j(aded) said...

I heart bodyrockers...

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