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Monday, June 20, 2005

The Glitter For Brains TeleMarathon: 24 Season Four!

Warning: Contains Spoilers!
Well, look! It's that time again. Over the last couple of weeks, Glitter for Brains has been plugging away at the TV, watching all the nonsense so you don't have to. How unfathomably generous! Well, here's the first of a triumvirate of assessments for what we have been watching with today being the turn of pot-boiler nonsense 24.

THIS SEASON IN 25 WORDS OR LESS
Quick! Maybe no Season Five! Throw every threat we have left in! Improbable plot? Just bolt it on top of last week's for wobbly entertainment!

DOES IT CONTAIN A MACHIAVELLIAN BITCH?
Well, who could ever fill the Evil Golfcart of the sadly departed Sheri Palmer? Step forward uber-terrorist Dina Araz, a woman so in the now, she can prepare a hearty breakfast for her whole family as well as discuss multifaceted plots to overthrow the US! She's a modern gal!

With hair like dry grass and a voice that could kill 90% of all household germs, Dina Araz is our New Favourite Thing, plotting to kill son's girlfriend while at the back of a scene slyly folding napkins. Unfortunately she does mellow somewhat as she tries to save her son being shot (and getting shot in the arm herself in the process) but still retains a captivating spark when being examined. Here's the gist:

DOCTOR (concerned innocence): Hmm, looks like a gunshot wound.
MRS ALMAZ (voice like nails down chalkboard): It was a rusty nail. I backed into it while I was thinking about taking over the wor- I mean, doing gardenings and pie-bakings like all you pitiful yankie pig-dogs.
DOCTOR: Are you sure? I mean, there's an exit wound and-
MRS ALMAZ: Rusty nail!
DOCTOR: Gunshot wound!
MRS ALMAZ: RUSTY NAIL!

Ah, Allah love her.

MOST POINTLESS DEATH
We'd like to say Maya Driscoll, who tops herself purely for a cliffhanger, but we didn't like her anyway (see Most Annoying Character) so yay!
So we're kicking up our heels and throwing caution into the wind by changing the category to 'Most Pointless Sacking'! Well, we all know that CTU is a fast-paced world of unbelievable promotions and demotions, where former criminals can become director of the whole building in a matter of hours. But this year excelled itself with dear CTU employee Sarah Gavin, who was tortured for no other reason than a) no-one had been for the past hour and b) her name had come up at random in the company lottery.
Once vindicated, she practically blackmails her boss Erin into promoting her - which she hilariously agrees to! Imagine that paperwork: 'Reason for promotion: 1) hard work 2) dedication to duty and pulling YET ANOTHER thankless 24 hour stint at your desk, or 3) to keep quiet about being tortured' Tick!
But when 'surprise' guest-star Michelle Dessler takes over, Sarah's dreams of a corner office and a pot plant are somewhat dashed. Queue a big row in front of everyone and Sarah being forcibly asked to leave in a scene that just reeks of 'I was only employed for 12 episodes - bye!' What larks!

FUNNIEST MOMENT
Well, as the whole thing is a comedy from beginning to end, it's oh-so-difficult to choose. But what caused the most milk to come out of our nose at Chez Glitter was the revelation that someone had not only built a device to control all the nuclear power plants in the US, but had also thought this was A Good Idea. What fools! Even the normally outlandish 24 Official Site tries to justify everything that appears in episodes with Cold Hard Facts (explaining that yes, it is possible to put Chase's hand back on with Gloy and macaroni) wasn't even touching this one with a bargepole.
But here's a quick note to the device's designers - if you're ever going to make a device like this in the future, why not sub-contract it to Apple? The chances are if anyone tries to meltdown everything again, 70% of the plants will be incompatible, and you'll have to send off for a special lead at $39 direct from the manufacturer. Hurrah! The US is saved!

MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER
Maya Driscoll.
Well, yes. It's meant to be a brave move giving CTU director Erin a daughter who's bi-polar and on more medication than everyone Chez Glitter - if only to illustrate there's a woman under Erin's cold, hard haircut. But we only have limited patience for characters who flap around and refuse to get into bed when told - hell, we're like that with our men! - so huge, heartless cheers all round when she took a scalpel to her own wrists. Ooh, we're cruel. But meanwhile Dina Araz was mowing the lawn or something. Evilly.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY
Very little totty this time around, though. Heller's son is alright in a certain light. But it's telling he spends a huge amount of his screen time in the dark with a helmet on, so we're probably clutching at straws.

SUM IT ALL UP IN A FABULOUS LETTER!
'Dear Any Characters in 24,

'Whenever you are leaving a building, DO NOT pull a character aside and tell him/her that you love them. This will, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, result in your immediate capture and possible death within a few minutes. Just a casual word of warning!

'Love, The Gays xx'

FINALLY...
It's all back! Unrealistically high-res security cameras, CTU moles (do they have a interview process at all at CTU or do they just let anyone in wearing 'I'm A Fanatic! Ask Me How!' nametag on?), that ringtone and improbable plots lashed together with spit and tape. Brilliantly yet mindlessly entertaining, this is one of the few shows it's as fun to point at as it is to view - cheer like a Special whenever indulgent, overly-staged cameos from previous years arrive! Roll on Season Five - if you haven't used up all your ideas, that is!

Tomorrow: tune in for Alias Season Four!
 

5 comments:

Jay said...

Our House has been renamed Chez Glitter?

Someone should inform Royal Mail

Lee said...

No, fool. That's 'Shangri La'. This ethereal throne room in which I dispense my wisdom to the great unwashed is Chez Glitter.

cyberpete said...

Now that's one show you aren't going to sucker me into watching Lee ;)

Skip said...

You have left out the President's son. Who was honest, decent and....

oh. Died very quickly.

Owen Blacker said...

Heller's son isn't bad; I really liked a more recent character, but they killed him off within 20 minutes. Do they not know we want to see people more attractive than Mr Space: Above and Beyond (who I so would)?