Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

The Glitter For Brains TeleMarathon: Doctor Who Season One!

Warning: Contains Spoilers!
We've been watching things so you don't have to! Today is the turn of Doctor Who, fabulous British sci-fi back from the dead!

THIS SEASON IN 25 WORDS OR LESS
Billie Piper and her cut-glass Cock-er-ney accent are picked up by a Time-Travelling 'eccentric' Space Northerner called The Doctor. Together, they fight crime! In space.

DOES IT CONTAIN A MACHIAVELLIAN BITCH?
Disappointingly few, thus throwing a whole world of SpaceDoubt on to whether Russell T Davis is actually a screaming mary or he's just said so for the tax breaks (we get a 20% discount on shoes, you know). What we did get was Margaret Slitheen - a flatulent sassy SpaceMonster hiding in the portly skin of a woman who appears to need her sturdy foundation garments made by the engineers of the Glasgow ship yards. She endeared herself to us by a) eating the scenery when she was in a scene and b) trying to destroy Wales.
But top of our list is Cassandra - a wafer-thin stretch of skin with a brain attached, the result of innumerable plastic surgery procedures to make her 'thin and beautiful!' Cassandra is, of course, is a whole world away from Victoria Beckham. Why? Well, there's no brain attached to that stretch of skin. Arf!
But lo, what we lost in the fur-coated, Machiavellian, cigarette-smoking villainess, we gained in the form of Penelope Wilton's fabulous Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North. A fine, upstanding woman who still retained her grace and etiquette when faced with seven-foot SpaceMonsters. "You pass to the left," indeed!

MOST POINTLESS DEATH
None this year - unless you're counting the I'm-dead-now-I'm-not exploits of Captain Jack in the final episode. So we're going to change this to Most Fabulous Death - that of 'Lynda-With-A-Y'. Exterminated in silence by the Daleks through a SpaceWindow. Why, those sneaky little buggers!

FUNNIEST MOMENT
When the audience figured out that the final two-parter was set a century after a previous adventure because the cash was running out and they needed to use the same sets. Painted in a futuristic black, naturally.

Second place now going to the production office softly insisting they may have planned the regeneration at the end of Season One aaaall along. Titter.

Third place is when the TARDIS opens its boot and shines the Vortex on Billie Piper in the last episode and she suddenly becomes hilariously posh. Time gives people Home Counties accents, it seems. Shame, as we always thought Time should speak with a Yorkshire twang: "Ay-up loves. Yau is reet small!"

MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER
For a couple of episodes, you can shockingly nominate either the Doctor or Rose. Well. They were smug, they high-five'd and they scoff at people for not being cool enough to be in their little SpaceGang. But thankfully the Daleks show up en masse and they soon put a stop to that.
No, who really got on our tits was Captain Jack, a one-dimensional character who only spoke in innuendo.

What?

Why are you pointing and laughing?

MISSED OPPORTUNITY
'Watchdog GelthCheck'.
British Safety Standards stalwart Lynne Foulds-Wood is transported back to Victorian Cardiff to evaluate whether saucy ethereal beings The Gelth are actually telling the truth about being helpless, or unhelpfully really out to take over the Earth.

SUM IT ALL UP IN A FABULOUS LETTER!
'Dear composer Murray Gold,

Next time you're on the phone, we're going to stand behind you and bang saucepans together and sing really loudly, so can't hear a word anyone's saying. And then you'll know how it feels.

Lots of love and earplugs,
The Gays xx'

FINALLY...
Well! We weren't expecting that!
Despite show-runner Russell Tiberius Davis's insistence of wrapping everything up with a magic pair of space trousers or the internet or something, we had character development, effects that were indeed special, and one or two Great Moments Of Television. Scary, too! And Billie Piper's a revelation - and we never thought we could ever say that.
But for every Billie Piper, you get a Christopher Eccleston. We're glad he's gone. And hurrah! Now we have David Tennant and his new teeth, who looks a lot more fun!
But one of the best - and most surprising - things is that everyone loves it. I know people who haven't been out on a Saturday night for aaages just so they can get their fix of Billie's chip cravings. One of the worries about it coming back is that we, as fans, had been looking after it, incestuously keeping it going, and upon it's return we would still have to sit around and justify why we like it to people. No fear with that now - people love it again. And that's almost as much fun as watching it.
Well, almost. Grin.

Thank you for watching!
 

9 comments:

Rob said...

I never found Gold's score that annoying actually apart from once in both the first and last episodes. (It was the drums. Tinny tinny drums. I hate them, so StepsRemixByNumbers.)

I got to quite like Ecclescake too. Lets face it his smile was probably the scariest thing on television for years.

Tennant on the other hand worries me since I have a nasty feeling I might actually end up fancying him. If he and Captain Jack get it on I'll end up spaffing over the screen.

cyberpete said...

I developed a tiny school girl crush on Christopher Eccleston and it's not going away. His dorky way appeals to me. Nice ears too hehehe

klee said...

Well, if the Daleks can resurrect themselves why not The Timelords?

Lesley Sharp for The Rani!

Pashmina said...

Nooo, Captain Jack = fab, David Tennant = even fabber.

Eccleston was getting annoying though, you're not wrong there. Too much gurning at the camera for my liking.

Mmmm new teeth indeed...

Rob said...

My flatmate has in fact insisted on calling CE, Christogurn Ecclesgurn.

And much as I'd like to disagree, when he was doing manic or happy he was a bit offputting. The heavy stuff though... wow.

cyberpete said...

There was heavy stuff in Dr. Who ?

Spaceminx said...

Yeah, Margaret Slitheen.

Owen Blacker said...

Now I'm only gonna forgive you because (a) you appear now to be an officer of the law and (b) because she was trying to destroy South Wales, which, frankly, deserves pretty much everything it gets.

And yes, I'm pointing and laughing. How dare you impugn the lovely Captain Jack? (Face down in which saunas was it? ;o)

Will said...

"This rift in Cardiff is a Potential Death-Trap!"

Apologies.