Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, June 27, 2005


Enter Comedy Housemate Jay, fanning himself with liberalist literature.

LEE: Gallagher!

JAY: Beardface!

LEE: You're off the phone then.

JAY: Yes. Lulu.

LEE: Sixties pop starlet Lulu, formerly of the National Lottery's 'Red Alert'? What are you doing chatting to Lulu?

JAY: You're not the only one with celebrity friends you know.

LEE: How is the old bird?

JAY: Oh, too drunk to breathe.

LEE: Sounds like her.

JAY: Anyway, where have you been, you bearded buffoon? I haven't seen you in far too long. I was planning to sell off your mucky videos.

LEE: Oi!

JAY: Or build a sizable fort out of them, one hadn't decided.

LEE: I just had to get out of London. The heat, man! The heat! My Gay Brain is melting!

JAY: It is far too hot, Beardface. Do fix this.

LEE: Is there a number we can call?

JAY: Well, that's why I was on the phone to Lulu - but she's being remarkably elusive about it.

LEE: I haven't been able to get to sleep in days.

JAY: Likewise. Lying awake you hear the strangest of noises at 3am.

LEE: What? Why you looking at me like that?

JAY: Oh nothing. I think we have a ghost though.

LEE: This isn't about that time when you woke up and insisted that you'd been possessed?

JAY: No. Not at all.

LEE: ...and the spirits hadn't really stolen your kidney..

JAY: Be quiet.

LEE: ... you'd just got more pissed than my gran's mattress...

JAY: Shush.

LEE: ...and then you tried to pass off whatever that was in your hair off as 'ectoplasm'...

JAY: Oddly, I'm staring at you and for some reason you're still not bursting into flame.

LEE: OK, so what's all this about a ghost?

JAY: Was it you who was up in the night wailing like a banshee?

LEE: No, I've lost my harpoon.

JAY: 'Wailing', not 'whaling', you hirsute fool.

LEE: Oh, right. No. Though I did have some chicken go missing the other day.

JAY: I don't believe a ghost would do that.

LEE: It would if it were a poultry-geist.

JAY: No. Still not bursting into flames. Do try harder, Beardface.

LEE: I reckon that wailing was you just leaving your stereo on during the night. You do have a penchant for somewhat ludicrous music.

JAY: Oh, what's this? It's a call for you. Hold on - it's a Mr Pot. He says he's got a message for Mr Kettle...

LEE: Oh very good. Though I do like what you're listening to now. What is it?

JAY: Some ruffians called The Kaiser Chiefs. At the moment, we're listening to 'I Predict A Riot'. Which almost certainly necessitates a nice hat, don't you think?

LEE: Er...

JAY: Speaking of clothing, explain to me the reasoning behind three-quarter length trousers the youths of today seem to be sporting. Are they long shorts or short longs? What is the point of a finely fitted trouser if it stops half-way between the ankle and the knee?

LEE: It's fashion.

JAY: It's ridiculous, that's what it is.

LEE: And I'm sure it's cooler to wear.

JAY: That as may be. But have you seen the people who wear them? Pallid legs, always pallid legs, thinner than matchsticks, bandying them around first thing of a morning when I've just eaten

LEE: It's a look...

JAY: I mean, would you like to see eight inch of milky-white flesh staring at you first thing of a day?

LEE: ...

JAY: Stop grinning like a Special and get your mind out of the gutter, you bewhiskered idiot.

LEE: Sigh, alright.

JAY: Oh Beardface, it's far too hot for all this. We shall simply have to lie here and boil to death in our own fabulous skins!

LEE: Yes. All that will be left is a slightly tarnished pile of glitter...

JAY: ...smoking slightly, smelling lightly of expensive champagne...

LEE: We could, of course, go wild and take off these starched three-piece suits and opera capes.

JAY: Are you mad? The Empire will fall and civilisation will come crashing down around us!

LEE: Right-o. Just a mad, mad idea. Ignore me.


Snooze said...

I am distraught just thinking of someone as fabulous as yourself melting in the heat. Where are the young boys to rub ice on your over-heated body?

Lee said...

They melted.

kim said...

My dear, can I reccommend:

It's simply marvellous. Ordered it, it arrived the next day with a positively toothsome boy attached, and it's even now ruffling the fur on my ursine gentleman caller. Marvellous, I tell you.

Broderick said...

The young boys are willing and able here on the Pacific, Lee... in fact, it's a veritable ARCTIC of ice-rubbing out here. Of course, you'd need to front the bill for a plane ticket and a tub of Tesco Ice Cream - the kind with butter in it...

j(aded) said...

"more pissed than my gran's mattress"