Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Me And My SpaceBrain

About a year ago, I visited a psychic.
"Is there anything you wanted to ask about?" she said, laying out the cards with a deliberate air. I slowly shook my head, wrinkling up my nose at the overpowering joss sticks that were beginning to make my head swim. She smiled and pointed at the tape recorder with a blood-red nail, inviting me to speak.
"No. No, not really," I reiterated. My voice sounded very far away.
She carried on laying out the cards, uttering an "ah..." with every third turn. I blinked to clear my stinging eyes, finding myself utterly mesmerised by her huge hair. The Wife would describe it as being like 'a mad woman's breakfast - all over the shop'. I think she'd tried to tame it once - there may have been the handle of a long-lost afro-comb poking out near the back. Perhaps it was her aerial.
"Oh," she said, poring over the deck. "You're slightly psychic."
Well, that had to be wrong. I'm far too self-centred to even think about being psychic.
"In about a year's time, you'll get an opportunity to expand your abilities. Do so."
I nodded, feeling a little woozy. Psychic. Yeah, right.

About two months ago, Anne and I were down the pub. This is not unusual.
"We could do pottery. That'd be a laugh," I said.
"We'd end up doing that scene from 'Ghost'. Or you'll make a giant clay willy," she said, completely and utterly correct. "How about dance classes?"
"I have a lovely pair of pink Fame-era leg warmers! Yes!"
"No," she said firmly.
"Oh. Alright. What about this? Evening course in 'Foundation of Psychic Studies'?"
"Yeah, go on then."
I had a sudden flash of a huge black expanse of hair and an afro-comb.
"Are you alright?" Anne enquired, placing a hand on my arm. "You looked like you were about to fall out your chair."

One month ago, we were in the class, learning to meditate.
I was still inwardly smirking, thinking this was a load of old crock. But they cleverly ask for the fee up front, so just crossed my legs and got on with it.
"And we're breathing... breathing..." came the hushed, rhythmic tones of the teacher. "And we're clearing our head of everything we don't need to take with us..."
I could hear the distracting nasal breathing of the girl next to me. Anne and I had Taken Against Her in the first couple of minutes of the class - she knew all the right words, always stuck her hand up and had the right homework. We planned to flush her A-Ha pencilcase down the loo at break-time.
"And you're going down a corridor... a corridor of light... and at the end... is a big door..."
Right. Check. I can see a door.
"And when we open the door... you're going to see your own mind... Now, open the door."
I grabbed the handle, flinging it back.
I was standing in the middle of a fairground, banks of lights flashing, noise everywhere. Overhead, two planes looped-the-loop carrying banners across the sky. Screams of joy came from dodgems to the left of me. Chaos.
"It is a calm place..." stated the teacher. "One of rest..."
Oh, I thought and closed that door. Fortunately, another door appeared to the left of it marked 'LAKE', so I tried that one.

"Do you think there's anything to all this?" I asked after the lesson.
Anne shrugged, holding her folder to her chest. "I think so. I did manage to get something about my leaf."
We'd been holding leaves to find out about people. Every ten minutes I had to bite my lip to stop laughing as reality kicked in.
"Though did you see the sign?"
"What sign?"
"'Next Week's Psychic Lesson Is Cancelled Due To Unforeseen Circumstances'," she said.
"You're kidding. "
Perhaps we should have stuck with the giant clay willies.


Dantallion said...

You might consider replacing Nasal-Girl's leaf with poison oak. See what she learns from that.

Owen Blacker said...

You turned down giant clay willies? Don't you get points on your gay licence for that?