Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Size Does Matter

Enter Comedy Housemate, avec les Dremel Multi.

JAY: Beardface!

LEE: Gallagher!

JAY: Well. That's a nice new shirt.

LEE: You did notice you say 'nice' like most people say 'skin disease'?

JAY: A mere coincidence. So where's it from?

LEE: Some expensive little boutique you've probably never heard of.

JAY: It's Gap, isn't it?

LEE: No.

JAY: Isn't it?

LEE: No.

JAY: Isn't it?

LEE: Yes.

JAY: Thought so. And I'm always right.

LEE: How do you know what's going on in Gap?

JAY: Oh, we people in a certain pay bracket get sent a brochure of what not to wear. Gap had a centre spread.

LEE: Oh come on. Even Top Man advertises in Vogue!

JAY: That's not an advert, that's a warning. Anyway, what are you going in there for? You told me you despised it.

LEE: Are you sure? Despise is rather strong...

JAY: You said you'd rather, and I do quote, 'eat a bowl of your own hair' than visit that 'emporium of enforced cheeriness'.

LEE: Ha! That's very funny.

JAY: Well don't think you are. We'll start having all sorts of trouble with you if you start thinking you're funny.

LEE: I am funny!

JAY: You see this?

LEE: Your expensive training shoe?

JAY: Yes.

LEE: Ow!

JAY: Now. Let's hope that's knocked some sense into you.

LEE: Oowwww! That really hurt!

JAY: Now stand up and tell me why were you shopping at Gap? Hmm? Hmm?

LEE: Look at that! I've got PUMA stamped backwards on my forehead!

JAY: Yes, and all I have to do is write 'PET' at the end for it to read 'A MUPPET'. Now why were you shopping at Gap?

LEE: I like the colours.

JAY: You hate the colours.

LEE: The staff are really friendly.

JAY: Your hackles visibly rise whenever a functionary even within ten feet of you!

LEE: It's bright and cheerfu-

JAY: Shut up.

LEE: Alright. Alright. I like it in there because I'm a jean size lower in there than everywhere else.

JAY: I beg your pardon.

LEE: In Gap I'm a 30-inch waist. Everywhere else I'm a 32.

JAY: If you're a 32, I'll eat my WarHammer figures.

LEE: How very dare you! I've lost over two stone in the last year!

JAY: And yet last night you sat in the bath and ate Hagan-Daaz ice-cream until you were almost sick. That's not conducive to a diet, you know.

LEE: How do you..?

JAY: There was a brown tide mark on the bath.

LEE: It may not have been chocolate.

JAY: You disgust me.

LEE: The only thing about these Gap jeans is the other measurement. I mean, yes, it's nice to now be two inches less around the waist, but...

JAY: But what?

LEE: I also seem to have lost two inches in height.

JAY: How concerning. Although you did lose a lot of weight.

LEE: It's probably that no-one in Gap has a decent tape measure.

JAY: You did used to have really fat ankles. Perhaps they deflated two inches.

LEE: Bitch.


c'lam said...

i like the fact that in the ladieswear they use US sizes, which means i get to buy a 14. my illusions are shattered once i look in the mirror though.

oh well, tits like mine don't grow on skinny bodies.

cyberpete said...

The Gap advertises in american Vogue.. I was shocked and appalled!

Clair said...

Excuse me while I have a quiet snigger in the corner...

mainja said...

"Yes, and all I have to do is write 'PET' at the end for it to read 'A MUPPET'"

have i told you lately just how much i love you lee?

Owen Blacker said...

And I have to add to that lovefest.

Even if you buy clothing from child-labor-using, union-busting scum. The mother of my future child is most upset I've vetoed Baby Gap :o)

j(aded) said...

Gold. Again!

I love these script posts Lee. Mwah!

Jay said...

So do I. They're very funny, and unfortunately he does me very well...

Lee said...


Jay said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Owen Blacker said...

Comment Deleted
This post has been removed by the blog administrator.

Does that mean our "special" friend is back? ;o)

Jay said...

Nope, just that Lee didn't like a comment I left... I can guarentee that I don't have the time or the interest to be the stalker, it'd be too easy since we share a house!

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