Friday, June 03, 2005
Size Does Matter
Enter Comedy Housemate, avec les Dremel Multi.
JAY: Well. That's a nice new shirt.
LEE: You did notice you say 'nice' like most people say 'skin disease'?
JAY: A mere coincidence. So where's it from?
LEE: Some expensive little boutique you've probably never heard of.
JAY: It's Gap, isn't it?
JAY: Isn't it?
JAY: Isn't it?
JAY: Thought so. And I'm always right.
LEE: How do you know what's going on in Gap?
JAY: Oh, we people in a certain pay bracket get sent a brochure of what not to wear. Gap had a centre spread.
LEE: Oh come on. Even Top Man advertises in Vogue!
JAY: That's not an advert, that's a warning. Anyway, what are you going in there for? You told me you despised it.
LEE: Are you sure? Despise is rather strong...
JAY: You said you'd rather, and I do quote, 'eat a bowl of your own hair' than visit that 'emporium of enforced cheeriness'.
LEE: Ha! That's very funny.
JAY: Well don't think you are. We'll start having all sorts of trouble with you if you start thinking you're funny.
LEE: I am funny!
JAY: You see this?
LEE: Your expensive training shoe?
JAY: Now. Let's hope that's knocked some sense into you.
LEE: Oowwww! That really hurt!
JAY: Now stand up and tell me why were you shopping at Gap? Hmm? Hmm?
LEE: Look at that! I've got PUMA stamped backwards on my forehead!
JAY: Yes, and all I have to do is write 'PET' at the end for it to read 'A MUPPET'. Now why were you shopping at Gap?
LEE: I like the colours.
JAY: You hate the colours.
LEE: The staff are really friendly.
JAY: Your hackles visibly rise whenever a functionary even within ten feet of you!
LEE: It's bright and cheerfu-
JAY: Shut up.
LEE: Alright. Alright. I like it in there because I'm a jean size lower in there than everywhere else.
JAY: I beg your pardon.
LEE: In Gap I'm a 30-inch waist. Everywhere else I'm a 32.
JAY: If you're a 32, I'll eat my WarHammer figures.
LEE: How very dare you! I've lost over two stone in the last year!
JAY: And yet last night you sat in the bath and ate Hagan-Daaz ice-cream until you were almost sick. That's not conducive to a diet, you know.
LEE: How do you..?
JAY: There was a brown tide mark on the bath.
LEE: It may not have been chocolate.
JAY: You disgust me.
LEE: The only thing about these Gap jeans is the other measurement. I mean, yes, it's nice to now be two inches less around the waist, but...
JAY: But what?
LEE: I also seem to have lost two inches in height.
JAY: How concerning. Although you did lose a lot of weight.
LEE: It's probably that no-one in Gap has a decent tape measure.
JAY: You did used to have really fat ankles. Perhaps they deflated two inches.