Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Cash First, Sex Later, Headline After That

Apparently Jordan's designing underwear.

For those uninitiated (or Canadian) Jordan is the darling of our tabloid papers. As so many celebrities won't play ball with the mucky rags lest their 'bedroom secrets' get blasted across an indifferent nation in 20-point text, the tabloids have created their own celeb to be at their beck-and-call for whenever they need a filler headline that isn't about asylum seekers. Step forward Jordan, the augmented girl who - whoops! - always appears to have fallen out of the taxi and - how careless! - exposing herself just as the paparazzi cameras were poised to go off. I tell you, the woman's hilariously accident prone!

This means she is the perfect model for a perpetual motion engine: she is famous because she is in the tabloids / she is in the tabloids because she is famous. She's celebrity ballast, clinging onto every slight bit of fame by her fake nails. Every other week, she's on the cover of our Fabulous Soar-Away 'Sun' revealing her 'Saucy Bedroom Secrets!' Bluntly, she's been on the cover promising this for the past three years, so one actually wonders if she's got any left - and is probably up to how to get rid the underside of the bed of dust-bunnies by now.

Hmm. Perhaps I should give it a read...

Anyway, her last big scandal was the terrible deflowering of stuttering songlette Gareth Gates, runner-up in our first Pop Idol contest. Everyone was agog that this charming boy could ever be seduced by an old slapper who appears to get her make-up done by a car resprayer. A woman who's been 'romantically linked' (tabloid's words) or 'shagged so often her clopper looks like a bulldog eating porridge' (our words) by most of the footballing, soap and pop world, so you'd think this nice 19-year-old would have given her a wide berth. But no - and you could just imagine her writing her own headline as the moment the poor boy coughed his Filthy Yoghurt up her voluminous minky.

So this news story about the knickers has to be ironic. As far as I can tell, the woman thinks underwear is something to kick off the end of your foot while your skirt's hitched up around the back of Faces Nightclub. And if we're in the arena of 'celebrities trying to do ordinary jobs' then frankly I feel as comfortable about Jordan designing underwear as I do about a Parkinson-riddled Michael J Fox doing my heart bypass operation.
 

13 comments:

tornwordo said...

I bow before your writing prowess. I'll be chuckling about "his filthy yoghurt up her voluminous minky" all day.

Thanks!

Paul Condon said...

Normally, I can get away with reading your blog in the office without giving the game away that I'm reading a catalogue of pure, unadulterated smuttery and filth.

I've just laughed so much that your most recent posting got an audience here in the office, you naughty scamp, you!

Paully
x

CyberPete said...

Hehhehehe! Well he isn't much better is he? I've heard naughty naughty |even creepy| rumours about Mr. Gates but I suppose he will have an album to plug!
That underwear line will it be sold at ASDA or TESCO?

kim said...

Ah, bless you. The laws of libel just don't apply in your world, do they?

Lee said...

'Libel' is something on the side of a bottle, yes?

Vampire Librarian said...

"Shagged so often her clopper looks like a bulldog eating porridge"

GAH! Goes and scrubs eyeballs.

Eden said...

I Googled her so I could see (and my husband will love it, thanks) but she's 19? 19? She looks older than I do. And what's more is my cootchie doesn't resemble a bulldog in any way.

Lee said...

19's her IQ, dear.

Snooze said...

Brilliant commentary on tabloid trash. Your take on how many 'saucy bedroom secrets' she has is hilarious.

Dantallion said...

I understand they'll be marketed under the Trade Name "SlutHuggers"

Joe said...

"clopper" ??

Where's that damn book of Britishisms?

c'lam said...

The fact that she's had two kids will do nothing for that clopper either.

the thought of it just gives me the boak.

The exile said...

Well I think she is the new Babs Windsor and will shortly be listed as a national treasure: a monument, if you will, to the sleazier side of English whimsy.

...and that Gareth was such a stoaty little oik. The people that poor girl has done for fame! :)