Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Challenge

Several years ago, sitting around in our gentleman's club and smoking a fine Cuban (never got his name) my colleague Paul and I were accosted by an acquaintance of ours. Ribald comments were exchanged - several lewd suggestions too - all culminating in a wager being set.

We were bet that we couldn't go around London and take a picture for each line of Charline's 2am karaoke classic 'I've Never Been To Me'. The task must be done in one night, using no props (unless bought during the challenge) and stopping complete strangers in order to take part. Impossible, you say!

Well, almost.

Notes for the Straights and The Canadians:
Pleasuredrome is a mary sauna. It is far from being any sort of Xanadu at all thanks to so much ManJism flying through the air at one point, it is actually possible to get pregnant from the toilet seats.

And being subjugated by two women in nurses outfits was completely lost on us. Not even a stirring. Sorry. Anyway. Here we go.

hey lady, you lady

cursing at your life
you're a discontented mother

and a regimented wife

i have no doubt you dream about the things you never do

but I wish someone had talked to me like I wanna talk to you

oh, I've been to Georgia and California

and anywhere I could run

took the hand of a preacher man

and we made love in the sun

but I ran out of places

and friendly faces
because I had to be free

i've been to paradise

but I've never been to me...

please lady please lady

don't just walk away

cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
i can see so much of me still living in your eyes

won't you share a part
of a weary heart that has lived a million lives

oh, I've been to Nice

and the isle of Greece

when I sipped champagne on a yacht

I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo

and showed them what I've got

I've been undressed by kings

and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'pose to see

I've been to paradise

but I've never been to me...

Hey, you know what paradise is? it's a lie
a fantasy we created about people and places as we like them to be
but you know what truth is?

it's that little baby you're holding

and it's that man you fought with this morning

the same one you are gonna make love to tonight
that's truth that's love

sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children
that might have made me complete

but I, I took the sweet life
I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet

I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring
that costs too much to be free

hey lady I've been to paradise

but I've never been to me...

We thank you.


The exile said...

Sheer mother-fucking genius...infact a performance art piece: get thee to the Tate. I shall email links to all my fellow expat fairies instantly...

Snooze said...

I echo Stephen. This is completely brilliant. I'll never attend another karaoke without envisioning this post. Well, hopefully I'll just never attend another karaoke.

Bob said...

truly inspired. now we must have elixir.

Skip said...

that cheered me up.

i forgot how young you were. and how wide your lips were.

Lee said...

Ah well. Now I'm old, have a beard, and a hair style.

(looks over in your direction)

I forgot how old *you* are. And how wide your hips are.

flambingo said...

truly marvelous, especially the aisle of grease

Broderick said...

That was the best thing ever. I like that you mentioned the Canadians too. I've been fascinated by this song for years ever since a friend lipsynched it for somee ridiculous acting school project, but I've never been sure what a "Charline" is. Sounds unpleasant.

Owen Blacker said...

That is, without a doubt, the best blog post ever. I'm in awe.

Eden said...

Oh that was beautiful. I can barely see for the tears...

StoryCharms said...

You *had* me (rhet.) at aisle of grease, but 'undressed by King's' - sheer brilliance! Thanks for a great laugh on such a bleak day.

Adam McGreggor said...

Absolutely, fan-bloody-tastic.

Yammer Rancour said...

What an epic journey! Thank you for taking us with you.

mainja said...

"mary sauna" somehow that's nicer sounding than 'bath house', don't know why.

and i of course echo the brilliant.

i enjoyed most the undressed by kings, although i was very impressed by the fish shop called 'fhiscotheque', i mean, whoever came up with that, *they* were brilliant...

Rowan said...

That was great! What a fun challenge!

j(aded) said...

*stands to applaud*

jsdaughter said...

That was absolutely too funny!
I've enjoyed your sense of humor and will be back to read more..

On the serious side- My heart aches over what has happened in London. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

c'lam said...

this is one of the funniest posts you've done...


Lord Bargain said...

that is a work of unbridled genius.

any more karoake classics lined up for pictorial representation?

Spaceminx said...

What about Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves?

(so that's what you & Mr V get up to on a school night is it?)

Joe said...


You just killed me.

honeybarbara said...

God, any less control over vital bodily processes from raucous hyena-type laughter, and you'd have to pass me a new pack of Depends. You are such a funny thing GFB. Laugh, snort, hiccup, trill etc

lonukste said...

That is truly frightening but truly brilliant. :)

Dantallion said...

Absolutely brilliant.

Now do a Carole King tune. ANY Carole King tune.

Knottyboy said...

You are a insane, drunken trollop and I want to have your children. I'm just a slag from the states who aspires to be Tommy to your Alan Titchmarch.

Owen said...

I just got sent to this from Thingbox and I'd forgotten how funny that was.

Though you look scary with no facial hair :o)

Jams said...

It's you. Only with less hair. Lovely.