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Monday, July 18, 2005

Harry Potter and The Wizard's Sleeve

Here's a hand-written chapter we nicked out of JK's handbag while she was off having her face creosoted. Enjoy!

The autumn sun was breaking through the heavy drapes as Harry Potter self-righteously slipped on his glasses. Ah, Hogwarts - his favourite place to be, far away from those awful lower-middle-class Dursleys.
It seemed that everyone had enjoyed an eventful holiday - no more so than Hermione who, though some accident, was now a rotund 35-year-old man with a hairy chest and a taste for beer. While she was never a Quiddich player, she'd taken to standing on the sidelines and hollering all sorts of crude suggestions and bawdy songs while the matches went on. They'd even distracted the token black character so much that he'd fallen right off his broom.
Harry self-righteously got out of bed and called to his best friend in the world, Ron.
"Come on, Ron! Get up! Fun and japes to be had!"
But there was no answer from his friends bed. In fact, it looked like it had barely been slept in.
Ron had disappeared.

Harry was so confused that he could barely eat the feast before him.
"Do you think we should tell someone? Like Professor McGonagall?"
"Don't be ridiculous," muttered Hermione, nursing her morning hangover. "You know we never do anything sensible like that until near the end of the book. We have to solve it ourselves before Dumbledor comes along with a satisfactory explanation."
"Yes I know!" exclaimed Harry self-righteously. "But for once, can't we break the pattern?"
Hermione gasped like he'd suggested like he wanted to put his hand down her pants - despite nothing like that ever happening at Hogwarts. No, never.
"Look. Harry. You know as well as I do that it goes a bit of nonsense with the Dursleys, then the elation of being at Hogwarts (despite something happening to make the journey difficult), then we find a mystery that either we - or the teachers - would never believe. Then we solve it ourselves while you're put in mortal danger, there's a bit of Quiddich and the we're done! All back to normal for next term!"
Harry nodded dejectedly, pushing the magic chips around his magic plate. "It's just..."
"What?" asked Hermione.
"Nothing!" yelled Harry, in a sudden pique of teenage hormones and stormed off.
Hermione shrugged. "Well, that was realistic and in character," she muttered under her breath, tone laced with irony. "It was almost as if we had to be reminded by someone who doesn't know teenage boys what a teenage boy was."

Hermione caught up with Harry outside Snape's lesson. Harry's head was held low.
"Hermione, I'm sorry," he said, still with a self-righteous air. "I don't know... It's just..."
She put a hand on his arm. "It's alright, Harry. We all miss Ron."
She stared into his green eyes a little longer than normal. Harry unconsciously licked his lips. Hermione wasn't too bad when her five-o'clock shadow was gone...
Then the door to the dungeon was flung open, and the pallid face of Snape was framed in the darkness.
"Harry Potter," he rumbled in his snakelike voice. "You little oik. Get in here."
Harry sloped into the class, slowly and silently followed by everyone else.
Harry hated Potions more than anything. Not just because he wasn't very good at it, but also Snape seemed to hate everything that he did. And Harry knew in his heart of hearts he was far better than anyone here.
"No, no, no, NO!" yelled Snape, looking into the potion Harry had prepared. "A first year could have done better with a Blinding Charm on!"
"Why are you so nasty to me?" blurted out Harry.
Snape shrugged. "I must admit, my motives have been so cloudy since your first term, even I have had trouble keeping track as to why."
"Then why can't we just get on?"
Snape smiled a wicked smile. "Because, my dear Harry, I'm the quick-fix plot obstacle you must overcome every book. Fifty points from Gryffendor! Detention for a month!"
The Slytherin table burst into whoops and cheers, and Harry had never felt worse in his life.

Harry slunk back to the Gryffendor common room with an unnatural gloom. Hermione followed him in and sat down opposite.
"Ron had been acting strangely for the last couple of days," she said matter-of-factly.
Harry nodded. Despite school rules, he said that he'd been practicing with his wand in the dormitory. He told Hermione this. "He even wanted me to have a go with his wand one night," he admitted. "He just wanted me to touch it while he said he was going to cast a spell. He said he wanted to know what it felt like."
"But Harry! That's really dangerous! Anything could happen!"
"I know. So I didn't."
They sat there in silence for a minute.
"I bet there's a clue in Ron's bed!" yelled Harry.
"What makes you say that?"
"I dunno. The books are normally full of narrative jumps like this."
Hermione shrugged her hairy shoulders and padded after him over to Ron's four poster.
"I noticed something was odd with him last night," said Harry self-righteously. "He was moaning in his sleep, thrashing this way and that. He was even calling my name under his breath!"
Harry threw back the blankets. Hermione gasped.
"Gasp!" gasped Hermione in her deep voice. "Look at the sheets!"
Harry did - they were covered in little silvery patches that glistened in the candlelight.
"Wow - do you think Ron's been eating Succulent Slugs in bed again," asked Harry, poking at the dark linen with his wand.
"I'm not so sure," said Hermione, a sudden realisation on her face. "I think they're something else entirely..."
"Gosh, you're right! I think Ron's left us a clue! They look like maps - little silvery maps of an island..."
"Yeah," said Hermione deadpan. "Yeah, lets go with that."
"Do you reckon that this is the location of the mythical Island of Pederast? The one that Dumbledor warned me he'd take me to?"
"Harry... You know how Ron was a 'Champion Beater'? I think he was living up to his name..."
"I think it is!" said Harry excitedly. "I think Ron's been captured and sent to the Island of Pederast!"

To be continued. Until there's enough money for me to buy Scotland
Kissy-kissy, JK.

 

15 comments:

tornwordo said...

Tears streaming down my face, I'm laughing so hard...

Stairs said...

Now if you could only sustain that for the full 667 [million] pages of one of your other books...

cyberpete said...

Oh what a teaser I can't wait for the rest of the book. I'm expecting it in my mailbox later this week... ;)

Lee said...

Yeah right. Like I have the attention span to finish writing a book. You'll be lucky if you get an email before I forget an- ooh, look. Kittens...

Clair said...

Excuse me while I sit in the corner and quietly snigger...

CyberPete said...

Yeah you haven't emailed me yet with the details! Shame on you mate...

ebby said...

*Lol*

fan-fucking-tastic..

c'lam said...

fantastic - that'll tide me over til i get the actual (less funny, obvviously) book.

Snooze said...

This is great. I'll never have to read another book or watch another movie thanks to Glitter for Brains. Yay!

Dantallion said...

Definitely worthy of the New York Times Best Seller List

Jellyfish said...

You know as well as I do that it goes a bit of nonsense with the Dursleys, then the elation of being at Hogwarts (despite something happening to make the journey difficult), then we find a mystery that either we - or the teachers - would never believe. Then we solve it ourselves while you're put in mortal danger, there's a bit of Quiddich and the we're done!

Terrifying accurate, Lee. You really are a jolly funny English chap.

EarthMother said...

Brilliantly funny. Although, if I was like the rest of the consumer world, I'd just sit on my fat behind and wait for the (terrible) movie version of the book, rather than checking obsessively on a daily basis for the next installment!

answer-man said...

enjoyed it and I will be adding it to my favorites. I have a really cool

answer-man said...

enjoyed it and I will be adding it to my favorites. I have a really cool

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