Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Jennifer Garner's Pregnancy

ABC Internal Meeting. Memo of Minutes.
Location: Secret Bunker in Hollywood
Reason: the Alias Season Five Production Meeting.

JJ Abrams - Yoda-like creator of the show.
Sarah Caplan - no-nonsense chain-smoking producer
Jeff Pinker - old school tie
Jeffrey Bell - big ideas

ABRAMS: This new season. More highkicking. More intricate plots.

CAPLAN: Plots, dahling?

PINKER: What are-?

BELL: He means 'wigs'.

The group goes 'Aaaah!' in realisation.

PINKER: Slight problemo with the old action, JJ. We've just heard that Jennifer Garner's... you know, got herself up the duff.

CAPLAN: She's what, dahling?

BELL: She's pregnant?

Shuffling of notes to see how this fits into the production schedule.

BELL: Well, that does open up some interesting possibilities...

CAPLAN: Does it chuff, darhling. How long do babies take to, er, cook?

Shuffling of notes.

BELL: Nine months.

PINKER: ...meaning the old girl will be ready to drop in December. Ah.


CAPLAN: Right in the middle of our dahling shoot.

PINKER: Well, what do shows normally do in these situations?

BELL: Well. On The X-Files, Gillian Anderson took to wearing a large mac. Oh! And on Star Trek Voyager, Banana Torres all of a sudden started to wear a Starfleet cardigan. That was cooo-ool. And she had some nifty SpacePens in her top pocket too! Wow!


Pinker and Caplan start giggling behind their folders like school kids.

BELL: Well. I liked them.

PINKER: So baggy overcoats all round?

CAPLAN: Yah. Yah! And we could have Marshall make her a Teflon-coated computerised overcoat that turns into a speedboat! Yah!

ABRAMS: Alias is different.

There's momentary quiet as their leader has spoken.

BELL: Yeah... Yeah! Different. I've got it! A whole new direction to head in!

CAPLAN: Yes, darhling?

PINKER: Come on, give it up, old boy!

BELL: Yes! Wigs... and - get this! A cape!

General murmurs of agreement: 'Fabulous!', 'dashing!' 'Not like the X-Files at all!' etc.

ABRAMS: She's pregnant for real.

PINKER: (confused) That's right, old boy.

ABRAMS: Sydney is pregnant.

CAPLAN: You mean 'Jennifer is pregnant'?

Abrams waves his hand like it doesn't matter.

ABRAMS: It's all part of my Big Plan.

Silence in the room for a beat.

PINKER: What was that, old boy?

ABRAMS: Big Plan. Planned it all along, I did.

Everyone else exchanges looks.

PINKER: Blimey.

CAPLAN: Are you alright, JJ dahling?

BELL: You're telling us you planned that Jennifer Garner would bump into beer-swilling, nacho-munching Ben Affleck? That she, the sylph-like creature of grace, would dump the frankly beautiful Michael Vartan to marry this man with moobs? That he would lurch his lardy carcass onto her and cough his alcoholic love-jam up her clopper at exactly the right point so you could write it in as part of your master arc?

ABRAMS: How else would you explain it? It does sound like one of my ludicrous character switches in either of my shows.

CAPLAN: He has a point, darhling.

PINKER: Well. Right you are then! So moving on - who's for Michael Vaughn being pregnant too!

All: AYE!

(Characters mentioned are not really based on anyone. I have to say that.)


The exile said...

Lee, I think you're fab, natch, even though I haven't a clue what this post is about being cut off from popular anglo-saxon culture.

Like your sister though, by the sounds of it, so long as not living actually next door to her, of course.

Lee said...

You know, I don't think anyone does!

Here's the news story it's based on:

I'll get back to Gay Prattling tomorrow, though.

JayMaster said...

Thanks for tracking this down. i thought it would be something ludicrous, like when lauren suddenbly became evil. Good to know that a senisble way out has been found.

Jay x

St. Dickeybird said...

That's brilliant!
I just discovered your blog via Embracing Insanity.
You really should be writing professionally, if you don't already.

Snooze said...

Sylph-like? She's a dorky scrawny thing (sorry, not a fan), who has thankfully freed up the beautiful Michael Vartan for someone much more deserving. I'm thinking of myself of course. Hey, at least I would email all readers of Glitter for Brains nudie photos of him.

CyberPete said...

feel free to email me those pics anytime snooze ;)

Lee said...

Ah those photos. They're my Windows backdrop, my first thought of a morning, and the last one at night.

Er. Bar my marvellous Wife, uh, naturally.

SL&V said...

You think about the wife?

Lee said...

My Wife, you bizarre horse.