Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

'Last Boarding Call For Paris...'

Now. The Olympics.

I mention it now as we're just about to find out whether London is to host this event in the space year 2012. I know, London. It's as almost as if you can hear '...with hilarious results!' already being tacked on the end of that statement.

We don't do spectacle. Britain is indeed sometimes governed by idealists. But our workforce are a tea-supping group of jobsworths who shrug at the grand plans laid before them, blaming the weather, their tools and the time period they had to complete their allotted tasks. At the (Liza) Millennium, our 'glorious' Thames was meant to have been lit in a 'glorious' River of Fire, miles long, to herald the coming of the new age. An easy task you'd wager: that river contains more flammable effluent than the programming schedule of ITV2, and one match would have seen to the whole thing go up. But no - we couldn't even get that right, and come midnight the river remained as dark as our spirits.

So do imagine how embarrassing it would be when the Olympic flame finally gets to the concrete nightmare of Stratford, only to find it won't light. And we're left with ten be-capped navvies tutting, scratching their heads, saying "Nah, the pilot lights gone out, mate," and they'd love to be able to get you the right parts but the place you need to order them from shut at three and they won't be able to get a van down there til Tuesday.

And I mean, Stratford. Which is probably being deliberately confused with the beautiful Shakespeare country of Stratford-upon-Avon by our Olympic bidders to make it more palatable. No, if you really want to Make Poverty History, carve off Stratford and let it slide into the Thames.

No-one can explain to me why this whole shebang is going ahead. It's going to cost millions and millions - and call me Mr Cynical but that's not done unless it's for A Very Good Reason. So what am I missing? I know some very intelligent people and it remains as much a mystery to them as to why 'Charmed' is a still a popular TV show. Big Business never shells out for anything unless there's a good reason, and the current party-line of 'it's for the joy and prosperity of all!' just makes the hackles rise. Oh no, I really can't believe that there's no gain to be had out of this other than 'National Pride'. Oh, we have none of that, thank you. We voted Michelle McManus in as our Pop Idol.

Further puzzlement: we are utterly rubbish at sport - which will be even more embarrassing to watch our constant defeat considering we invented most of them. So could it be that we're only hosting it so that visiting nations will take pity on us? So we can churlishly say "Let us score a goal or we're taking our ball in!" If we host it, we'll have no-one to blame our inabilities on but ourselves! And that's just not The British Way of Doing Things!

All this is purely academic anyway as the weather will probably stop play.

So. What if we do, by some hilarious mistake, get to host it? Where does it leave us, the discerning Gentlemen Who Can't Catch, Let Alone Stomach A Fortnight Of Televised Triathlons? We shall do what we do best under pressure, scrutiny and discrimination - we shall throw a party. We drink, booze and dance, and shall hang around long enough to see most of the boys arrive in lycra. Then I suggest we all go off to the South of France until all this nonsense blows over. And quietly laugh ourselves sick at the thought of anyone trying to get a decent haircut, martini or pair of curtains for a fortnight - let alone at the state of the London Transport System crashing and burning as it inanely tries to cope with The World travelling on the Central Line.

So. No to London in 2012, thankyouverymuch. Let the French have it. We can tut, mither, and blame them for why our athletes are absolutely rubbish. Just as it should - and always has been.


Rob said...

The very idea sickens me. I shall have to move somewhere else for the entire duration of the event if we get it.

It also annoys me that its only the Olympics that give out any hope for improvements in our crumbling transport system.

That and the fact that despite a win for London allegedly being "good for Britain's image and industry", it's those of us who are going to be most inconveninced by it who are going to get hit by council tax raises to pay for the damn thing.

The whole thing sucks. And not in the good way.

Snooze said...

Better you than Toronto. But like you mentioned, all those toned boys in lycra. And don't forget the divers/swimmers in their Speedos. Yum.

Miss Mish said...

Two words for you to remember the last time we tried a spectacular event.
Millennium Dome.

cyberpete said...

They tore that thing down didn't they? But it was in a BOND movie ;)

Lee said...

No, it's still there, a white elephant on the Thames.

Insert your own joke about tatty ASBO Coleen McLoughlin sunbathing, if you please.

mainja said...

honestly, the olympics are lost on me. just another sporting event i'm not really interested in...

cyberpete said...

Oh dear I missed the Liza Millennium dome!

Owen Blacker said...

I couldn't agree more. Still, at least I'll be able to rent a room out in my flat at an extortionate free to some ├╝berpretty gayboy ;o)

j(aded) said...

Woh a sheem... I loved it when Sydney had the Olympics, but then I'm one of those Gentleman That Can Catch so that probably makes all the difference.