Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Mixed Signals

I met a marvellous girl at a party. She had her hair in bunches and carried a Miss Kitty bag, and looked like bit like Billie Piper. Of course the gays flocked - she was fabulous.

"...and wasn't it a shock that Richard Whiteley died this week!" I gasped, gesturing a little too vastly with a flagon of Pimms.

"Oh yeah! That was really sad. He was, like, the first person on Channel 4, or something."

"Closely followed by the dead-eyed clotheshorse Carol Vorderman. I wonder if they knew what they were releasing..."

"Yeah, I had a tear in my eye. S'like the time I was walking down the street last week and I saw this pigeon getting hit by a bus! There were guts everywhere."

"Oh no! That's terrible! Of course Whiteley would have been a consummate professional, even if he'd seen a bird being hit on telly."

"I always hoped he'd slug that Carol Vorderman one," she said, rolling up her shirt sleeves like a bouncer. "She's a smug bitch."

"And do you know the celebrities in Dictionary Dell aren't really that good at finding words that fast. They have a former Countdown winner up in a box doing the puzzles at the same time. He speaks the longest word he can make to the celeb via an earpiece."

"Do they? Well you learn summink new every day, don't ya? Did you know that pigeon blood is more scarlet than ours. Oh, I don't like to think about it - that poor bird. It really scarred me it did. I was with Louis, my boyfriend, and I just held his hand and started crying. I mean, I hates pigeons, but this was so helpless, flapping around. I didn't know what to do."

"Ho - sounds like Dina Sheridan. She's a guest they have on Countdown who's as deaf as a post. And so while the contestants have eight or nine letter words, and you have a man up in the Gallery yelling the answer into a microphone and dear deaf Dina looking up and going, 'Well. I got 'cat'...'"

"Poor Dina! And poor pigeon! You know, in the end I made Louis go out into the road and pick it up. I couldn't watch - the poor thing was really terrified, guts hanging out everywhere. I ran home crying."

"I bet Richard Stilgoe did the same when he learned Richard Whiteley was dead. You couldn't get him off that programme. They tried greasing his piano stool, but he'd still turn up week-in week-out to make hilarious musical jokes about cats in your duvet. All while surreptitiously banging his organ under the desk."


"He always smuggled in his Hammond to get a musical joke in somewhere."

"Right. Anyway, when I got home, sobbing me eyes out, there was a knock at the door."

"Well it couldn't have been Stilgoe - he'd have made an amusing jingle about not having his keys. You'd have heard him through the letter box."

"Yeah. It was Louis with a box in his arms. And you'll never guess what was in the box..!"

Ooh. I knew this one. I'd seen Brad Pitt in Seven. "Gwynneth Paltrow's head!" I exclaimed.

She looked puzzled. "No..."

"Richard Whiteley's head?"

"No. The pigeon."

"Oh," I said, completely confused. "Oh! Right. With you. And you can't flush a pigeon, can you?" I added lamely.

We looked around the candle-lit garden, further words sticking in my throat.

"Did they lower his coffin in to the Countdown music?" I asked after a moment.

"The pigeon?"

"Richard Whiteley's."


"No. No, you're probably right."


Rob said...

Wow. Two people simultaneously having completely separate conversations with each other. That's got to take a certain amount of talent and determination surely?

Lee said...

It just shows how pig-headed I really am!

Skip said...

You realise she probably told everyone she met that you were her new soulmate, and that you stared into her eyes "and, like, really understood me. Just. Like. That."

Lee said...

Have you been watching daytime TV again?

Concrete X said...

best entry ever.

and i've had a lot of good entries.

Lee said...

Every time I read that, my eyes itch.