Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Snow White's Legacy

'Son I have sum news for u' twittered my mother's text message. 'Ur fathr got remarried 3 wks ago.'

Apparently it was as much a surprise to her as it was to me. As per the tradition of most Children Who Prefer Art Lessons Instead Of Physical Education, I've never really been that close to my father. Oh, we tried bonding a couple of times: he tried to show me what a chuck-key was for, and how to brew beer at home. I sat him down with Xanadu, and suggested he wore something than the functional beauty of nylon as a clothing fabric.

It didn't go well.

So over the years, this slow erosion of contact has grown into a breach. And the implications of his wedding are sinking in: I have a step-mother. Oh I do hope she's wicked. For one, I've discovered her name is Stella, so I've immediately Taken Against Her. 'Stella' instantly conjures up images of leopard-skin lycra leggings, gold shoes and handbags, and a fake tan that's more satsuma than St Tropez. Someone with false eyelashes so long she has to tip her head back to open her eyes. She's going to be someone I'm going to meet around my father's hospital bed in years to come, holding his hand and stiffening when I walk in the room, and forced to make small-talk because of a dalliance crudely bolting on a whole chunk of family neither of us wants. No, this I don't like. The only way she can redeem herself in my eyes is to have had the maiden name 'Artois'.

On a similar line, my mother feels a little odd signing her name 'Mrs Binding' now as she feels like she is no longer the definitive article. Poor love. I suggested 'The Original Mrs Binding' to give her the flare she deserves, but she looked at me and said that she signs everything in biro, not the dramatic peacock feather I use for all my missives, mores the pity. So meanwhile, my sister's gunning for us all to change our names to get away from Binding altogether, though she just keeps suggesting 'Von Trapp' to everything we say. Always has. Whenever I start a sentence with "So..." she'll always yell "A needle-pulling thread!" in return. Odd girl.

Hmm. I wonder if I can get away with suggesting we change it to 'Rimswell'. Or 'Gandersnatch'. Or 'Hooters'. Something suitably sequin-y. Instant drag queen name - just add wicked stepmother.

And if she ever sends me a fruit-basket, remind me not to eat the apples.


Louise said...

When you meet your father's new mother-in-law, bring friends. You be as nice as can be, but have your friends call her "the Other Mrs. Binding". Chuckle indulgently when they do so, giving her a "kids. what can you do?" sort of look.

cyberpete said...

Try 'so you are my new mommy, are you my new mommy?'.. That'll scare her off ;)

Lee said...

I'm planning to burn an Argos catalogue at her.

That should instill some decent fear into her.

skander said...

I like the sound of your sister.

c'lam said...

...there's a guest house here called "rimswell".

Lee said...

You have got to be kidding.

Right, daytrip!

Rob said...

Hmm, I just can't get this gay thing right at all can I? I get on rather well with my dad.

Mind you, he does do a sort of weekly drag act I suppose. And in brocade too.

The exile said...

Each of my parents have married three times, while my father suddenly decided to breed like a rabbit when he hit his sixties... Stepmom number 1 (2nd, and also jilted, wife) and I just became gin hags and cursed all men etc etc.

She could end up being Patsy to your very own Edina

Joe said...

The future scenario at your father's hospital bed is an almost exact rendering of what happened in my family.

Only my wicked, drunken, stepmother's name was Jill. Jill Loves Pills, we called her. What does Jill call a VickySlim, a Brandy Alexander and a Valium?


Great post!

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