Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Bye Bye Baby

My eyes fluttered open. A tinny version of Carmina Burana was playing somewhere in my bedroom.
I groaned. Noise. Stop noise. My hand reached down by the side of the bed, groping around for my mobile phone.
"Mmmumph?" I answered.
The phone seemed slippy in my hands, almost as if it had been bleeding. Which could only mean -
"I do hope I haven't woken you," came the silken purr of my Evil Best Friend Declan.
"Declan? Wha-? It middle... it's the middle of the night..."
I tried to fix my eyes on my alarm clock to back this up; it patiently flashed '6:66' until I rubbed my eyes and the numbers resolved themselves into being a more presentable '4:24'.
"Zoe's given birth," he stated.
"Zoe? Really? That's brilliant! How is she? Is she..?"
Oh god. Oh god. I stopped. Scenes from 'Rosemary's Baby' flashed through my head.
"Is it..?" I asked, tentatively.
"It's fine. Lovely young baby boy."
"And the mother?"
"Perfectly lovely."
I relaxed a little, and let go of the duvet clutched in my hand. Too late did I realise I'd gotten blood all over my Girls Aloud duvet. It was starting to look like a teenage girl had just taken her first ride on the menstrual cycle in there.
"Good. Good. So, you don't, er... you don't have plans for it, then?"
There was a low chuckle from his end of the line. "My dear boy, I've told you. I'm good now."
Oh yeah. That. Declan had bagged himself a boyfriend six months ago, someone who was exactly what Declan needed. Although one wag pointed out that what Declan needed was an exorcist. But ever since then he'd tried to be polite and courteous to all-and-sundry, which was rather like watching one of the Sigfried and Roy tigers performing - and we all know how that ended up. And I knew for a fact he was planning a trip to London in a few weeks after getting a fake tan just to ride the Underground with a large rucksack with wires coming out of it. Then slyly bursting balloons.
"Yes. It's already responding to its name," he added.
"What did they call it?"
"Well, they want to call it Patrick or some such. But I decided that 'Damien'... or even 'Vessel' was much nicer. It responds better to those."
"Although for some reason they don't want me too near at the moment. Zoe said that she needed to bond with it."
"So it had nothing to do with you trying to draw '666' on the back of its head in biro?" I laughed.
There was silence from the other end of the line. My laugh degenerated into a nervous cough that died in my throat. "Of course you wouldn't do anything like that," I added, flustered.
"No I wouldn't."
"No you wouldn't."
"I'd tattoo it."
I gagged. "Declan..." I said, reproachfully.
"I jest, I jest," he said in a flat voice. "I shall let you get back to sleep. I have a crib to make."
"You? Woodwork? At this time of night?"
"You have to do it when the moon is full. And do you know how difficult it is to make a pentagram? Anyway. Goodnight."
He hung off, leaving me to stare at my phone. How very odd. I hadn't even got Carmina Burana as a ring tone on it.


Jay said...

You should get some Burgundy coloured sheets dearheart, the daemon blood shows up so badly on the white...

The exile said...

How do you get so ripped early in the day to write stuff like this? I adore it! "You're evil Muriel!"

Honestly, I was about 13 when I first saw Omen II and I was so shocked how much I looked like beast-boy-final-coming thingy that I actually just fled into the bathroom to search for my '666'.

Oh how I laughed...

Broderick said...

This is like Dickens on crack. Lovely! I've missed hearing of Declan's exploits too. There's something remarkably attractive about such evil.

Lee said...

Don't! Don't think that! He'll have your soul!

tobie said...

O Fortuna
velut luna
statu variabilis,
semper crescis
aut decrescis;
vita detestabilis
nunc obdurat
et tunc curat
ludo mentis aciem,
dissolvit ut glaciem.

Guess it could have been worse! Heheh

craggles said...

BLOODY BRILLIANT...I was waiting for more...whens the dvd coming out??

Snooze said...

'first ride on the menstrual cycle'
heeheheehee, I've never heard that one before. Just great.

kyknoord said...

And here I was thinking that pentagrams are so last year. Still, I suppose that's what makes him evil.

Bud Wiser said...

Wonderful page! Enjoyed it very much. I come from the land of ringtone so I know what I'm talking about!ringtone