Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Glitter For Brains At The Movies! The Island

We Go So You Don't Have To!

WARNING: Contains Spoilers.


Now, look. We kinda knew what we were getting ourselves in for with this one. I mean, 'from the director of Pearl Harbour' isn't exactly a seal of quality, is it? But almost more interesting to watch than Bay's attempt at a scrabbling to a higher level of filmmaking was watching the Heat-reading couple sitting next to us, who were dragged in by the boyfriend's love of Jerry Bruchheimer. Anyway, on with the show!

THE ISLAND: The Abridged Script

THE FILM OPENS. There are many STYLISH and INTERESTING IMAGES flashed up. This is DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY trying desperately to show that he can do ELEGANT and SUBTLE film-making.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
We give him ten minutes before he cracks and something explodes.

The images are a DREAM. EWAN MCGREGOR wakes up. It is the FUTURE. So everything looks like the FOYER of a FRENCH BANK and all the FONTS are REALLY BORING.

EWAN:
Hmm. Where do all my Puma-branded shoes and socks come from? I shall muse this loudly to show that I am Inquisitive-And-Interesting.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Was that an American accent? I'm sure that was almost an American accent...

THE STRAIGHT COUPLE NEXT TO US:
When's something going to blow up, honey? Make something blow up for me...

MICHAEL BAY sits on his hands and tries not to give in. Instead EWAN goes to work. We see lots of cut scenes. It is as INTERESTING AS IT SOUNDS.

ENTER SCARLETT JOHANNSON. She looks like she's had something done to her lips to turn them into a SINK PLUNGER.

SCARLETT:
I have brought you bacon. Oh I hope I do win The Lottery.

EWAN:
The Lottery? You'd better explain to me slowly, even though I've lived my entire life here, I have conveniently forgotten.

SCARLETT:
(Whispering) Oh come on. The audience isn't that stupid.

THE STRAIGHT COUPLE NEXT TO US:
Honey, what's going on? They're having a lottery? Do we get scratch cards?

SCARLETT:
(under her breath) Ohforgoodnesssake.
(to camera) Well. If I win the lottery, I get to leave this place and go and have my organs harvested. I mean, I get to go and live on the Island.

EWAN:
Something's not right.

SCARLETT:
What makes you say that?

EWAN:
I'm Inquisitive-And-Interesting. I'm just going to climb into this air-duct to have a look around.

He does. And discovers a hospital where the LOTTERY WINNERS are being CHOPPED UP, just like the audience did in the TRAILER. He goes back for SCARLETT.

EWAN:
Scarlett! We have to get out of here! Run!

They turn a corner.

EWAN:
Scarlett! Run!

They climb a ladder.

EWAN:
Scarlett! Run!

They exit the hospital.

EWAN:
Scarlett! Run!

They run across the desert.

EWAN:
Scarlett! Run!

And they do. For many, many minutes.

They stop running and meet STEVE BUSCHEMI in a BAR.

EWAN:
But! You work at the complex! You lied to me!

BUSCHEMI:
What the hell is that accent, man?

EWAN:
Er. American?

BUSCHEMI:
Yeah, via Strathclyde. Anyway, I'm here to steal the scenes I'm in.

MICHAEL BAY:
(through loudhailer) Buschemi. Step away from the scenery.

BUSCHEMI looks around shiftily in his large SHOPLIFTING OVERCOAT. He slyly puts a piece of SCENERY in an INSIDE POCKET while MICHAEL BAY'S back is turned.

EWAN:
You have to help us. We have to go on the run and find the people who created us for some weak reason.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Don't you think the people who created you won't be particularly pleased to see you?

BUSCHEMI:
Don't you think the people who created you won't be particularly pleased to see you?

EWAN and SCARLETT shrug.

SCARLETT:
We have to do something that's going to get us into an improbable action situation.

BUSCHEMI:
Why?

SCARLETT points at MICHAEL BAY, who's sitting on his HANDS and screwing up his eyes like a TODDLER WAITING FOR CHRISTMAS.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Do we have to?

MICHAEL BAY jumps up and down like he's going to WET HIMSELF.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Sigh. Oh, alright then.

EWAN and SCARLETT run! They leap on a MOVING TRUCK! Cars CHASE them, so SCARLETT and EWAN start rolling the CONVENIENT TRAIN WHEELS off the back of the vehicle into ONCOMING TRAFFIC! Which EXPLODES! They leap on a FLYING SCOOTER! Which crashes through a BUILDING leaving EWAN and SCARLETT CLINGING to the BUILDING'S LOGO! Which CRASHES TO THE GROUND, destroying a BUS!

THE STRAIGHT COUPLE NEXT TO US:
Cool.

THE GAY AUDIENCE.
Have you quite finished? Have you got that out of your system?

MICHAEL BAY sits back and lights a CIGARETTE, idly dapping at the LAPFUL OF SPERM with his shirtsleeve.

Meanwhile. SCARLETT and EWAN walk into a MSN BOOTH. For in the FUTURE everything will be run by MICROSOFT. They search for something. Hilariously it DOESN'T WORK. Just like THE REAL THING.

EWAN:
(closing pop-ups and offers for holidays) I have to find my creator. Ah, here's the address- Oh! Don't get too close to the glass, Scarlett! Your lips will stick like a suckerfish to-

But it was TOO LATE.

A packet of TALCUM POWDER and a SHOE-HORN later, SCARLETT and EWAN reach the house of Ewan's donor. It is borrowed from GATTICA.

THE REAL EWAN:
Och, what the ken ya doing in ma hoose?

EWAN:
What on earth is that accent?

THE REAL EWAN:
I was going to ask the same of you, laddie. It be Scottish, help ma'boab! It's so the audience can ken the difference between the two of us.

THE STRAIGHT COUPLE NEXT TO US:
What the..? What's going on? Honey, I don't understand!

THE REAL EWAN:
(sighs) I'll put glasses on then, shall I? There. I shall also strain to grow an evil goatee between scenes. Now come on - I'm going to take you back to the lab! I mean, to the news channel so we can expose this heinous crime.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
...

EWAN:
What?

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Oh. Nothing.

THE REAL EWAN:
No. Go on.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
So no chance that you two may just kiss. You know, for a bit?

EWAN:
What's 'kiss'?

THE REAL EWAN:
No.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
No. You're right. Carry on.

THE REAL EWAN tries to take EWAN back to the LAB. EWAN realises just in time and they fight. EWAN WINS!

EWAN:
Scarlett! We have to free every other clone from the institute!

SCARLETT:
Why?

EWAN:
Because the film is meandering towards a close, and it needs something symbolic to round it all off! Like shots of everyone running out into the sun for the first time! Hopefully in slow motion!

SCARLETT:
Like what's in the trailer?

EWAN:
Yes! Exactly like those! Come on!

SCARLETT ROLLS HER EYES.

EWAN:
Scarlett! Run!

So they do. And so do the CLONES. And there is much RUNNING into the SUNLIGHT for the first time. And lots of SLOW-MOTION HELICOPTER SHOTS.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Oh! Bay hasn't-

Right on cue, the INSTITUTE EXPLODES behind them.

THE END.


(for Rod Hilton)
 

13 comments:

The exile said...

I have always adored Steve Buscemi, ever since 'Parting Glances' which really is worthy of its praise as "best movie ever for gentlemen who read Wallpaper*".

That said, I have always opined that Ewan's cock deserved oscars for its roles in The Pillow Book and Velvet Goldmine...such a pity its career has been held back by its co-star...

St. Dickeybird said...

Have you thought of getting a job reviewing for a major newspaper?

kyknoord said...

I've never put much stock in fate, but I firmly believe that this movie was made for the sole purpose that you could review it.

Broderick said...

Did you go to this movie specifically so you could make fun of it later? Because, if you did... bravo! That's REALLY taking one for the team.

Now go do Fantastic Four.

Lee said...

Oh that is next. Don't you worry.

CyberPete said...

Oh yeah do Fantastic Four, watched that Friday - oh lordy I couldn't stop laughing!

Vampire Librarian said...

Lee, that was your best review yet. Cheered up my lunch break immensely.

Bob said...

"step away from the scenery"

I shall now giggle for days.

Jay said...

Haha. The best review I've read of a film - ever!

Eden said...

What good is a Ewan McGregor movie where he's clothed throughout? And speaking w/ fake accents? Ewan naked & reading haggis recipes? Sign me up for that opening night.

Gregory said...

Au cinema! Americans keep getting fed films that any gay could write using parody alone. Will the tastebuds never tire? This memeber of the gay audience followed his intuition, stayed home and watched "Female Trouble". Otherwise, you would have seen me mouthing along, predicting the lines before they were spoken.

j(aded) said...

Loves it.

Owen Blacker said...

What Eden said ;o)