Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, August 19, 2005


You see that man over there? White hair, egg timer, looking at me and tapping his scythe pointedly? That's Old Father Time, nudging to remind me I'm going to be thirty in a couple of days. Well. Frankly there's no way I'm seeing in my third decade in this country, waiting for my face to fall and all my hair to drop out by the stroke of midnight. So while I repair to New York for a bijou break-ette, the least I can do for you is this: in my (almost) thirty years wandering this Earth, I've discovered many wild and fabulous things. So in a parting gift to you, the little people, I thought I'd share with you the Thirty Most Important Things I have discovered on my travels of this wide, weird world. Do enjoy.

1. Never go shopping for clothes when you're drunk.

2. There are just some things that the Gays just can't do. Like catch a ball, or tell the absolute truth.

3. Never buy cheap moisturiser.

4. Make sure you employ a cleaner who doesn't mind tidying away, well, let's just call them 'Gentleman's Recreational Videos'.

5. Have your own wand. Even if it doesn't work, have your own wand.

6. Laser pointers, cats and staircases are just hilarity waiting to happen.

7. When pulling, never go for second best. Well, never third best. Alright, fourth, but that's my final offer.

8. Never say 'Oh, I've been through a lot in life...' before the age of thirty-two.

9. If music be the food of love, stick a trombone in batter.

10. Always cut the blue wire. No, wait - the red! The red!

11. Eating disorders do not make you interesting.

12. Children are surprisingly bouncy.

13. Glamour and water don't mix, eg wet cats, or The Gays at a rainy Pride event.

14. Always dance like no-one is watching.

15. But have sex like everyone is.

16. When entering a bar of fellow Gentleman Who Likes Soft Furnishings for a quick snifter of gin, find the ugliest member of the crowd. Keep an eye on him, and when you've drunk so much that he becomes attractive, LEAVE THE PUB IMMEDIATELY.

17. Good clothes can open many doors.

18. Always put yourself in the way of fun.

19. There is more to this life than what you can see, feel, touch and imagine.

20. Peel onions underwater to stop any tears.

21. Bad films are often as enjoyable as good ones.

22. Slowly, you will turn into your parents.

23. Music does not make people come together, Madonna. However, butt-plugs and a mini-bus going up a cobbled road gets a heck of a lot closer.

24. Never buy the clothes you are only half-happy with in the store. Chances are you won't wear them.

25. If wishes were horses, we'd all be married to that ugly farmer with the gammy leg down the road.

26. Your phone should have a hairdresser, a dermatologist, your best friend and a necromancer on speed dial. If you have to have your psychic on speed dial, they're rubbish and should be ditched.

27. If you become anorexic and your knees become fatter than your legs, eat cream cakes.

28. Celebrity friends are so... morish!

29. Cheerleading pom-poms are not for every occasion. Especially not funerals.

30. And never forget where you came from. But never, ever forget where you're going either.

See you in a few days, my lovelies.


c'lam said...

have a great time in NY oh wise one

Rob said...

"Never go shopping for clothes when you're drunk."

The same also applies for CDs, I've found. Much as I like "NY Excuse", the rest of the Soulwax album really isn't my cup of tea at all.

Have an excellent trip, dear boy!

Snooze said...

Have a fab trip and a great birthday! I loved the list. I am still howling over #15. Also, I'm putting a ticket to Canada for you in my will so that in case of an untimely demise, you can show up at my funeral with pom-poms.

Dantallion said...

I've never known a gay man whose wand didn't work. At least sober, anyway.

Have a fantastic trip and birthday!

St. Dickeybird said...

Turning thirty was great. Now you can say "f**k you, i'm an adult, and have made a grownup, educated decision to ..."

Happy Birthday!

Broderick said...

Happy Birthday in advance, Grandad! I shall raise a glass to the sexiest 30 year old in the blogosphere... It will be years and years and years (and years) before I turn thirty myself and amass such a wealth of knowledge ;) but I look forward to it! Have fun in NY!

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Add shoes to that as well. Some really bad shoe errors happen drunk.

CyberPete said...

I plan to turn 27, 28 and 29 for a number of years before I hit 30.
Good for you to admit it! Have a great trip!

Jon said...

Happy Birthday!

Don't worry about being 30, it happens too us all!

Apart from me that is...

tornwordo said...

Happy (almost) Birthday! Glad you can pop over to our continent (feel, won't you, my welcoming vibrations)to celebrate.

I love 14, 15 and 19. 23 made me laugh.

ViVi said...

Happy Birthday, m'dear! Welcome to the best decade yet. ;)

Spaceminx said...

Happy birthday oh lovely squeezy one!


mezack said...

Happy Birthday! Have a faboo time in Manhattan. Also, please do not peel unions and adopt an eating disorder while having sex underwater. Thank you.

Jay said...

"Peel onions underwater to stop any tears."

What a fab idea! Happy birthday...

kyknoord said...

Words to live by. I can hardly wait for your 40th birthday.

The exile said...

Oh. My. Cher!

Two long-haul flights and booze at high altitude's true. All the Carins in the world ain't gonna hide wrinkles on a 30-yo's skin.

...Oh purleeze, I can hardly remember my thirtieth birthday, it was sooo long ago. (And I now find injecting Clarins is by far the most effective way).

Hope it was a good one BTW. x

Owen Blacker said...

Fabulous (though I thought everyone knew the dancing/shagging ones).

You'll have to let me know when you're back, so I can bring you your birthday present (how can I expect something fabulous for my thirtieth later this year unless? etc).

And goodness, I'd never clicked on the profiles of the other commenting-people. But some of them are very fit. Are you all single?  :o)

epicurist said...

I am drunk with your fabulosity! that a word?

epicurist said...

Oh, how could I forget? Happy Birthday!

j(aded) said...

Happy Three-Oh. Enjoy :)

Erinna said...

Lee, somehow I thought you were already 30...but happy belated, and enable your RSS feed already, so I don't miss any more posts of fabulousness.