Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, September 26, 2005

In Which I Return

I'm not sure when the hotel cleaner and I declared war on each other, but it had soon escalated to Def-Con 3.

For my part, I believe my be-dustered adversary took umbrage when I stuffed the complimentary bible in a drawer on my first night. One never sleeps well next to religious texts (I have to be at least fifteen foot from my Fortnam and Mason's catalogue, lest I have fitful nights dreaming about the perfect table layout over and over...) so had slammed it in the drawers of the tall boy and completely forgotten about it.

Until the following day, when I arrived back to find it returned to the side of my bed. And my towels hadn't been refreshed.

Now, I could understand this behaviour in some of your lower-star guest houses I've had the misfortune of frequenting in my youth; rooms that may or may not have been paid for by the hour. But this was different. The BBC had put me up in a four star hostelry, gym and mini-bar inclusive (bless you, unwitting licence payers! Bless you all!) so one expects the towels to be fresh and your pillows to be plumped by a willing bell-hop each morn! And not the shabby attentions of a disgruntled functionary.

So, on the second day, I pointedly left the towels all over the apartment, and turned the thermostat down to the lowest setting - a childish notion, but I thought it would, at the very least, get the petulant creature hoovering a little harder to get warmer.

Upon my return, the bible was back, the towels were still not refreshed, and the thermostat was set to its highest setting. War was, indeed, declared.

Over the following days, things dallied on. I stole some pencils, they didn't replace the shower gel. Tit for tat, until a master stroke from my unnamed nemesis on the night before I was due to leave. I returned to my room to find the bible back in its usual place, yes. But on the carefully arranged magazine stack, a copy of 'Ladies First' had appeared! A rag claiming to offer 'Everything a stylish girl needs to know this summer!' - and gladly left open at the page of the handbags!

As we all know, this can be taken as a rather alarming slight at ones sexuality. I'd like to exclaim 'how did they guess?!' but there were more skincare products than Boots in the bathroom, and I'd taken to replacing the bible with a copy of 'Sindy Magazine' each morn.

Well. If they can go around, taking the mickey out of being a Gentleman Who Owns The Golden Girls On DVD like that, it was time to bring out the big guns. So it was by a happy coincidence that I'd happened to have gone for a rather violent curry that very evening. And in the rush to check out in the morning, flushing that ungodly, pebble-dashed bowl completely slipped my mind...

Huge thanks to my guest blogger for the fortnight, young Mr Ian Atkins of this parish. A marvellous job all round, I'm sure you'll agree. Thank you, Ian, you marvellous thing.


CyberPete said...

Welcome back Lee!
So did you ever get fresh towels?

tornwordo said...

Hey welcome back, and what no photo of the pebble dashed bowl for posterity?

What about the LA boys, did you get yourself any?

Cav said...

Can you bring LA boys back through customs then?


What about Christina Aguleira clones?

Lee said...

Good lord. I have no idea where this LA thing came from - I've been in Wales!

Then Spain. But I'll tell you about that another day.

As for LA boys, yes you can. Just make sure the air-holes are big enough, and there's a copy of TV Weekly lining the box. See? I'm nothing if not informative.

St. Dickeybird said...

Note for next time:
A standard bible is large enough to rest both an ashtray and a can/bottle of beer on.
Don't hide it in the drawer. Utilize it as a spillguard so you don't stain the night table.

ViVi said...

It's lovely to have you back! :)

Broderick said...

Yay! You're back! I've moved to London town now, Lee! And I've discovered England is a horrible labyrinth of Draconian Bureaucracy! But there are good plays on.

Spike said...

Welcome back, dude.

Enjoyed the blog-sitter immensely.

paddalumpakins said...

Shit Dickey, Bible stainguard? That's ballsy. I couldn't do it (well I guess that goes without saying).

Good for you Lee! Second to a cum stained Bible, that's about the best gift you can leave for lousy maid service.

The exile said...

Well I thought Ian was an utter star, so thank you for lending him to us.

But, why-oh-why, didn't you just complain to the management. I like my bathroom done twice a day or I ring...and that's just at home.

kyknoord said...

Frankly, I think your "disgruntled functionary" should be immensely grateful that you didn't leave the offending tome on the stool.

Owen Blacker said...

Welcome back. The blogsitter has been fabulous but, frankly, just isn't the same :o)

Dantallion said...

You should have wiped with the towels.

Welcome back, Lee.

Miss Mish said...

Aha! Are you stealing my titles now?