Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Adventures in Time and Spain Part I

On the first day, I was already planning to kill my sister.

Two hours into our Spanish holiday and she'd completely take over the apartment, idly throwing all the towels in the bidet without a thought so she could hang out her washing. And that more-or-less summed up her one major character flaw: she doesn't care one jot about anyone else but herself.

It's difficult to describe in full, so I'll tell you about the time when some Evangelical Christians came a-knocking once. This should help you understand.

(Scooby-Doo style flashback effect)


Christian #1: Good morning, madam. Have you ever thought how glorious the world is in a morning?

Nicola: Yer what?

Christian #1: Isn't the sun rising and the magnificence of each day just proof of an almighty being?

Nicola: Mate, I woke up yesterday and found I'd been sick in my make-up drawer. Now what you talking about?

Christian #1: We'd just like a few moments to talk about the Divine with you...

Nicola: Are you even speaking English?

Christian #2: Do you believe in The Lord?

Nicola: Oh! You're God-Botherers?

Christian #2 (slightly taken aback at the bluntness): Er, yes.

Nicola: Right. Got ya. You here to sell it to me?

Christian #1: Well, not really sell, madam. We'd just like you to have a read of this little pamphlet and we'll pop back and you can tell us what you think. How's that?

Nicola: Mate, I hate reading.

Christian #2: Oh.

Christian #1: But it's just a little thin pamphlet. Barely a page.

Nicola: I can just about do the pizza menu without zoning out.

Christian #1: And this side is mostly pictures...

Nicola: ...and even then, I got my housemate to ring what I normally order. Haven't you got it on DVD?

(a beat)

Christian #1: Sorry?

Nicola: So, I don't really do reading. So I'm thinking you Just give me the DVD and I'll take a look.

Christian #2: We haven't...

Christian #1: We couldn't...

Christian #2: We just didn't think that...

Nicola: Well, that's rubbish, innit?

Christian #1: Er...

Nicola: Isn't it?

Christian #1: I suppose...

Nicola: Anyway, so how do you know God exists?

Christian #1 (on firmer footing) Ah. Well. Imagine the best feeling inside When we think of Him, we get the happiest feeling.

Nicola: Ah, got ya!

Christian #1: You have?

Nicola: Oh yeah. I know exactly what you're on about.

(The Christians look at each other; has progress been made?)

Nicola: I get that feeling when I buy new shoes.

Christian #2: I don't think that's really the sa-

Nicola: So you don't believe in new shoes?

Christian #2: No, we're saying-

Nicola: But here they are. I can see new shoes. Can you see new shoes?

(she bangs her heels together like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz)

Christian #2: But we're talking about the Almighty Being, not some Clarkes!

Nicola: These are from Aldo! They are not Clarkes. That's like mixing up Jesus and Buddha!

Christian #1 (completely apologetic): I'm so sorry.

Nicola (fiddles with hair): So can I become a preacher?

Christian #1: (even more confused) You'd want to spread the word of God?

Nicola: Not really. But I bet the pay's good. I bet it is, isn't it?

Christian #1: We do the Lord's work for free.

Nicola: How mad are you?! What about the wine?

Christian #2: The what?

Nicola: The free wine.

Christian #1 (cottoning on): Communion? That's not us.

Nicola: Ha! Bet you're gutted.

Christian #2: We merely believe in a path of honesty and belief.

Nicola: So does that mean you have to be truthful about everything?

Christian #1: Yes.

Nicola: Good. Here's a fiver - nip over the paper shop and get me some fags, would you? See, being honest, you won't nick the change, will ya?

Christian #1: Er...

Nicola: Silk Cut, if they've got them. See you in five.

(door slams on them)

Christian #2: What are we going to do?

Christian #1 (looks down at money in hand): I suppose we'd better get the cigarettes...



And they did.

Oh yes. I was going to be stuck with my sister for a week.

Hell.
 

20 comments:

Rob said...

My entire office now knows I'm not working because I tried to supress my laughter and instead had a coughing fit.

Bless her. I remember that "I don't know quite how to deal with this one" feeling.

mainja said...

bloody hell! she's brilliant! send them out to get cigarettes. geeze, why didn't i ever think of that?!?!?!

oh, er, i mean, um, oh lee, i'm so sorry. ;)

St. Dickeybird said...

Hahahaha, that's fantastic!
I never got that opportunity as my mum would convert the Jehovah's Witnesses door-knockers.
They black-listed us.

I love your sister. Is she single? Will she become a man for true love?

Dantallion said...

My God, Lee, your sister's brilliant. Send her to Montreal. I have a few people that I'd love to lock her into a room with.

(Oh, and You can come to, if you like)

Broderick said...

Give her some credit, though, she did think the God-Botherers TRUSTWORTHY enough to give them a fiver and think they'd return with cigs. In a twisted way, it's a compliment.

tornwordo said...

I offer coffee, cigarettes, cokes et al and then I quiz them on why those things are sinful. Well this is the mormons anyway. (No, I won't capitalize that.)

Gotta hand it to her though, well handled.

musica said...

YOUR BLOG IS NICE, I WILL VISIT IT AGAIN. HERE IS ADDITIONAL INFOMATION ABOUT retrogade ejaculation GREAT HELP retrogade ejaculation

kyknoord said...

Man, she's better than Kung Fu. I wonder if she can do anything about those annoying spamments.

Vampire Librarian said...

Your sister sounds perfect, and I'm sure she'd agree.

usersanonimos said...

Looking forward to reading more great info on your blog, I added you to my favorites and will be checking back often.
If you got time , go visit my site, it´s about male ejaculation also we have male ejaculation It pretty much covers male ejaculation help and other similar topics available.

usersanonimos said...

Looking forward to reading more great info on your blog, I added you to my favorites and will be checking back often.
If you got time , go visit my site, it´s about male ejaculation also we have male ejaculation It pretty much covers male ejaculation help and other similar topics available.

usersanonimos said...

Looking forward to reading more great info on your blog, I added you to my favorites and will be checking back often.
If you got time , go visit my site, it´s about male ejaculation also we have male ejaculation It pretty much covers male ejaculation help and other similar topics available.

usersanonimos said...

We Offer The best methods to Stop Premature Ejaculation to learn more please click the next link Premature Ejaculation and visit our web site about Premature Ejaculation or

retrogade ejaculation or
Pre Ejaculation
or Male Ejaculation
or Stop Premature Ejaculation or

Premature Ejaculation cure or
Premature Ejaculation treatment or
Premature Ejaculation help or
prevent Premature Ejaculation
===================================================================================================

Also we Offer:

We offer help for acne cure you can find information in


acne cure or
natural acne cure or
natural cure acne treatment or
acne home cure or
nature cure acne

===================================================================================================

Also we Offer:

We offer help for dog obdience you can find information in

dog trainer or
dog training or
dog obedience

===================================================================================================

Also we Offer:

We offer entertaiment and you can get this visting

Download music or
free Download music or
free music Download or
mp3 Download music or
mp3 music download or

Download music or
free Download music or
free music Download or
mp3 Download music or
mp3 music download or

===================================================================================================

Also we Offer:

We offer help in penis enlargement visit

Penis enlargement or
Penis enlargement pills or
Penis growth

===================================================================================================

Also we Offer:

We offer help in search engine position visit

search engine positioning or
search engine position or
internet marketing or
blog submitter or
blog or
blogger

===================================================================================================

Also we Offer:

We offer help in Travel bargain visit

travel bargains or
discount travel or
discount airfare or
airline tickets or
cheap hotels

usersanonimos said...

Looking forward to reading more great info on your blog, I added you to my favorites and will be checking back often.
If you got time , go visit my site, it´s about male ejaculation also we have male ejaculation It pretty much covers male ejaculation help and other similar topics available.

musica said...

YOUR BLOG IS GREAT. I WILL BE BACK. HERE IS MY WEB SITE AN IS RELATED TO discount airfare also we have discount airfare It pretty much covers discount airfare and other similar topics available.

musica said...

Great blog it really nice. To learn more about blogger visit
search engine position The best search engine position

usersanonimos said...

Looking forward to reading more great info on your blog, I added you to my favorites and will be checking back often.
If you got time , go visit my site, it´s about male ejaculation also we have male ejaculation It pretty much covers male ejaculation help and other similar topics available.

nicola said...

never said that about the shoes??
yes i did as them for a DVD, but i wasnt rude about it.. they did have it actually.
dont get the shoe story bit???
I dont smoke either .. never asked them to go to the shop..
so you like dad to full of shit but if it makes you happy .. go right ahead

nicola said...

just another add on my brother never liked me.. but sometimes on that holiday when he decied that it was ok to speak to his sister who is of course much of a lesser human than him, I thought we got on.. obviously he was being a two faced wanker planning his made up story

nicola said...

just another add on my brother never liked me.. but sometimes on that holiday when he decied that it was ok to speak to his sister who is of course much of a lesser human than him, I thought we got on.. obviously he was being a two faced wanker planning his made up story,. and to find this years later just goes to show who the real evil twisted person was