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Thursday, October 27, 2005

Crude-De-Terre.

Well. We're never one to shirk off high-brow, erudite topics here at Glitter for Brains, as we're sure you're aware. So onward and upward! - in every sense of the world - as we stick our head into the mucky subject of anal sex.

The reason being is I do get an awful lot of sport-playing heteromosexuals fixing me with a glassy stare after several pints and asking why on earth Gentlemen Who Moisturise are willing to have anything Up There. Usually followed by several hilarious tipsy admissions that they've tried to force all sorts of things up their hoop to see why we Gay People are always so happy. It's simple really; that's where the male g-spot is. And if that's not the Lord's jolly old way of saying 'Ah go on! Give it a go!" I don't know what is!

(Although the reason we're always so happy is usually thanks to the smug inner knowledge that we can run up a set of fabulous clothes out of a pair of curtains at the drop of a nun's habit.)

Of course, using something for not which it was really intended can lead to certain troubles, and that certainly 'follows through' with a gentleman's rear. Which is why getting jacked up and your undercarriage examined at the local Clap Clinic is wholly encouraged. Although, ladies, we sympathise with you on the trips to the gynaecologist. There's a rather charmless examination where they lie you on your side, lift your leg up and stick a plastic funnel up there to get a result. Now, most of us Gentlemen Who Have Bite Marks In Their Pillows have had experience of this sort at over our lives, but usually dinner and dancing has preceded it. The indignation! Although that's mostly because, when the hospital functionary is bracing themselves to force the funnel upward, the conversation proceeds thus:

"Now brace yourself. Most people have real difficulty ge-"
SHLOOP!
"Goodness," he'll exclaim. "I almost lost my watch."

Because that's what happens! You use a muscle often, it becomes stronger. In fact, a rather coquettish gentleman of my comedy housemate's acquaintance suggested that they may see whether they could have a go at getting two or three plastic things up there as he wasn't busy that afternoon. We often refer to him as having a 'face like an angel, an arse like a cement mixer'. And there's more than a passing rumour to an incident in a pub where he removed all the bottle tops while crouched over a crate of Budweiser.

Which, oddly, no-one accepted when he passed them around later.

Of course, there are disadvantages to being the one with an arse like a bill-poster's bucket at the end of a sesh. Like the hilarious incident of your sphincter remembering it's an exit not an entrance some time later, oft at the most inopportune moment. But on the hole (ho-ho) gentlemen, if you are thinking of taking a ride up the chocolate whizz-way, we widely recommend you plough ahead.

There. And with alienating my whole readership, I thoroughly expect a whole zero comments on this post.


TOMORROW: Penal Reform. Do we really need their shapes to change?
 

19 comments:

c'lam said...

the trouble is, hetty boys seem to think that a wee bit spit is lube enough...

Lee said...

Not the case. Unless a) you hock up a huge loogie and b) have the thickest flegm known to man nor beast.

Er. A friend told me.

surly girl said...

ah, but do they keep the funnel in the fridge like they do with the speculum? and do they chat breezily about inconsequential things such as the weather, or shopping, while staring intently up your insides? inquiring girls want to know.

oh, hang on, i'd probably best point out that i'm asking about medical staff, not fuckbuddies....

Broadband Ian said...

It seems you're getting a bit short of material now. Indeed, this latest one is just scraping the bottom-

That is all. Carry on.

Lee said...

(narrows eyes)

I am writing you out of the will.

CyberPete said...

LEE!

mainja said...

how, prey tell, did you think *this* would recieve no comments? you silly silly dear dear man. *shaking head* so much to learn. *clucking tongue*

Spinsterella said...

Hey Glitter-boy.

I was going to talk about this very same topic recently (cos you know, women get up to this sort of carry-on as well. Occasionally)

Then the one Very Close Friend I trusted to tell about my blog went and told her new boyfriend.

So I've come over all coy...

Snooze said...

Lee, now that HPV is on the rise docs are testing procedures for and recommending anal pap smears. Yes, soon the girls can get this joy as well. In fact we'll get double fun. Maybe vaginal and anal speculums at once. Bet you're jealous now. We never will get the joy of a prostate test though. That's just for you.

btw - in Canada at least, the anal speculums are blue, and the vaginal ones are pink. so cute.

savante said...

Did someone just say something about scraping the bottom? :)

Paul

Chris said...

My new dream is to be able to open a bottle of beer with my asshole.

Dad will be so proud...

Reluctant Nomad said...

I was going to not comment and then I thought the better of it.

AndyT13 said...

"Now brace yourself. Most people have real difficulty ge-"
SHLOOP!
"Goodness," he'll exclaim. "I almost lost my watch."

I laughed until I nearly fell out of my chair. You, Sir, are a funny man. That is all.

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