Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Lulu (Part I)

(Enter Comedy Housemate Jay, poised to open the front door)


(Front door slams shut)

JAY: Beardface! Beardface! She's here again.

LEE: Who?

JAY: That bloody Lulu woman.

LEE: What?

JAY: Honestly, ever since we had Cher staying with us, word must have got around we're the drop-in centre for d-list divas.

LEE: Oh yeah. Because the Cher thing went so well.

JAY: It wasn't my fault her head fell off.

LEE: I think you'll find it was.

JAY: Do I have to show you the back of my hand again?

LEE: Oh yes, I'm still finding pieces of her around the place. I found what I think is her larynx under the sink the other day...

JAY: Oh that's what it is. I've been draining my vegetables with it.

LEE: Eww.

JAY: You'll probably want this bit back too. Brought a lovely shine to the coffee table.

LEE: Is that..?

JAY: I neither care nor wish to find out. Here, take it.

LEE: No way. Smells foul. I'm not going near that without a pair of oven gloves. Anyway, what did Lulu want?

JAY: How do I bloody know? I opened the door and she started bellowing 'Weeeell' again.

LEE: Perhaps it's a cry for help.

JAY: Perhaps she's going to get her eyebrows shaved off if she's not careful.

LEE: Ooh! Or she's found a well in our back garden!

JAY: I blame you for this. Two-foot Scottish gnomes singing about plumbing on our doorstep.

LEE: Wait. Listen, can you hear that?

JAY: What?

LEE: That tinkling. I think she's got a tambourine with her...

JAY: Oh no, she hasn't found God has she?

LEE: Do what?

JAY: She's only gone and joined the Salvation Army. They've given her a tambourine and told to recruit those heathen Gays!

LEE: How devilishly clever! We must listen to what she has to say!

JAY: Don't open the door! The purity will come in!

LEE: I have to! The power of Gay Icons compels us!

JAY: Noooo!!!

LEE: Oh look!

JAY: No! If I cast mein eyes on her godly visage, I will go blind when I think about lovely cushions!

LEE: No, see. It's not a tambourine.

JAY: What?

LEE: They're just miniatures. Little gin bottles tinkling together.

JAY: Well, why didn't you say! Thank you, Lulu. Been stealing things from airplanes again?

LEE: She's a little tinker, isn't she?

JAY: Yes she is.

LEE: I think she wants to come inside.

JAY: What makes you say that?

LEE: She's humping my leg. Aww, bless. Can we keep her, Jay? Can we? Huh? Huh?

JAY: I'm not so sure... remember the last time. With Cher. Kaboom and all that.

LEE: I'll take her for walks and everything. I'll even try and resurrect her dead career!

JAY: But-

LEE: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!

JAY: Oh OK then. But you've got to look after her.

LEE: I will!

JAY: Sigh. This has error written all over it.

LEE: This has 'Emma' written all over it?

JAY: 'Error'.

LEE: Oh. Right. I could never read your writing...

(to be continued)


surly girl said...

now listen up, ladies.

what you do now is take Lulu immediately to the Has-Been Diva Control Centre. do you want an epidemic on your hands? if you let the lulu stay, before you can say "shit ginger scouse" sonia will be singing down your chimney and jayne mcdonald from the cruise will be jemmying the padlock off your shed.

MQ said...

what on earth are you talking about, lee?

Jay said...

Oh you see what I have to put up with? D list Divas as far as the eye can see... We are however I riot, aren't we Beardface!

klee said...

"The Boat That You Row may cross no ocean, but stick with me and I'll get you a British Airways ad."

And nary a mention of her recent plugging of her new single through the power of margarine. Do keep up.

Richelieu said...

Yep. Definitely 'pythonesque gay', I would say. Utterly cracked! But so wonderful with it.

Lee said...

Surly Girl - We had the chimney blocked when we found out Atomic Kitten could fly.

Mr Marty Q - It's the true account of when 60's icon Lulu barrelled up at our front door.

Klee - She may be with us for a few days. I'll get to the bottom of her succubus career manoeuvers!

Richelieu - Thank you, old thing!

MQ said...

Ah, right. Now I understand. Of course, silly me. It's so obvious.

Don't get me wrong - I think your writing is hilarious. Different. Unique. Pink. And slightly scary.

Adam said...


Logan said...

Which larynx? Rumor has it that she's gone through several.

c'lam said...

did she bring a lifetime supply of that margerine with her?

is that why you kept her?