Friday, October 28, 2005
Lulu (Part I)
(Enter Comedy Housemate Jay, poised to open the front door)
(Front door slams shut)
JAY: Beardface! Beardface! She's here again.
JAY: That bloody Lulu woman.
JAY: Honestly, ever since we had Cher staying with us, word must have got around we're the drop-in centre for d-list divas.
LEE: Oh yeah. Because the Cher thing went so well.
JAY: It wasn't my fault her head fell off.
LEE: I think you'll find it was.
JAY: Do I have to show you the back of my hand again?
LEE: Oh yes, I'm still finding pieces of her around the place. I found what I think is her larynx under the sink the other day...
JAY: Oh that's what it is. I've been draining my vegetables with it.
JAY: You'll probably want this bit back too. Brought a lovely shine to the coffee table.
LEE: Is that..?
JAY: I neither care nor wish to find out. Here, take it.
LEE: No way. Smells foul. I'm not going near that without a pair of oven gloves. Anyway, what did Lulu want?
JAY: How do I bloody know? I opened the door and she started bellowing 'Weeeell' again.
LEE: Perhaps it's a cry for help.
JAY: Perhaps she's going to get her eyebrows shaved off if she's not careful.
LEE: Ooh! Or she's found a well in our back garden!
JAY: I blame you for this. Two-foot Scottish gnomes singing about plumbing on our doorstep.
LEE: Wait. Listen, can you hear that?
LEE: That tinkling. I think she's got a tambourine with her...
JAY: Oh no, she hasn't found God has she?
LEE: Do what?
JAY: She's only gone and joined the Salvation Army. They've given her a tambourine and told to recruit those heathen Gays!
LEE: How devilishly clever! We must listen to what she has to say!
JAY: Don't open the door! The purity will come in!
LEE: I have to! The power of Gay Icons compels us!
LEE: Oh look!
JAY: No! If I cast mein eyes on her godly visage, I will go blind when I think about lovely cushions!
LEE: No, see. It's not a tambourine.
LEE: They're just miniatures. Little gin bottles tinkling together.
JAY: Well, why didn't you say! Thank you, Lulu. Been stealing things from airplanes again?
LEE: She's a little tinker, isn't she?
JAY: Yes she is.
LEE: I think she wants to come inside.
JAY: What makes you say that?
LEE: She's humping my leg. Aww, bless. Can we keep her, Jay? Can we? Huh? Huh?
JAY: I'm not so sure... remember the last time. With Cher. Kaboom and all that.
LEE: I'll take her for walks and everything. I'll even try and resurrect her dead career!
JAY: Oh OK then. But you've got to look after her.
LEE: I will!
JAY: Sigh. This has error written all over it.
LEE: This has 'Emma' written all over it?
LEE: Oh. Right. I could never read your writing...
(to be continued)