Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Lulu (Part II)

(Enter Comedy Housemate Jay, with a blunderbuss under his arm.)

LEE: No! Don't! I won't let you shoot Lulu!

JAY: Eh? What are you on about you hirsute fool?

LEE: Put the gun down before I have to call your mother again.

JAY: Oh this isn't for Lulu. We've just have Shirley Bassey trying to crawl in the bathroom window.

LEE: Oh. Oh! Well, that explains it!

JAY: What?

LEE: 'Goooolllldfinnnnn-BLAM!-crumple'

JAY: She wasn't going easily, either. Do be careful when you shower - her false nails are still embedded in the Imperial Leather.

LEE: And to eBay we go!

JAY: I tell you, Beardface, god alone knows where all these d-list divas are coming from. It's like they're being attracted to something.

LEE: I know what you mean. I've had to board up the newly-installed Lulu-Flap in the door. Dame Judi Dench was having a good old try at getting in this morning.

JAY: But she's the size of a washing machine!

LEE: I know. I had to hit her with a frying pan until she retreated into the bushes. You can still see her, beady eyes, waiting...

JAY: Beardface, this is all very sinister.

LEE: Hmm. Oooh, I taught Lulu a new trick while you were upstairs.

JAY: Where is that red-headed rapscallion anyway?

LEE: Just having a rest in her basket. She's been running around all morning, sniffing this and that...

JAY: Aww.

LEE: Was that a flicker of emotion?

JAY: No. If I have to clean up another one of her little 'accidents', she's going for a ride in Mr Blender.

LEE: Don't you dare! Look, see! She's looking at you now... It's almost as if she knows what you're saying...

JAY: I simply would like to point out I object to all these little puddles of Flora Active I keep skidding in. Honestly Maurice Gibb must have spent a fortune on cleaning up after her.

LEE: Oh, look! She's getting up! I don't know why, but she always wags and barks the TV when David Bowie appears.

JAY: Good god, man! Look at the size of her! What have you been feeding her?

LEE: Flora margarine.

JAY: Beardface!

LEE: It's the only thing her contract allows her to eat! It may mean that she'll put on a little weight....

JAY: And that she's very slippy to pick up. It's a good job you weren't here earlier - I gave her a squeeze and she shot upward and hit the light-fitting.

LEE: No!

JAY: Rather like soap in the bath. Now what on earth is that banging?

LEE: Oh for goodness sake. Look. Joan Collins is trying to flap down the chimney.

JAY: Right. Don?t worry. I'll be back in a moment.

(Exeunt Jay, cocking blunderbuss)

LEE: Come here, girl. Let's give you a hug. You ignore the nasty man and his squeezy hugs.

LULU: WWWWwwweEEEeeeellll...

LEE: You don't sound well at all. Let me see... Oh good lord. Lulu's pregnant!

(to be concluded)


klee said...

* Dah Dah Dah! *

Pregnant? Who by? Well, it's no surprise, the little minx. Her tips for looking young (facelifts aside) were "No caffeine, no alcohol, plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables and LOTS and LOTS of good sex".


So where's Honor Blackman then - slithering under the gap between the door and the floor? Perhaps you could drug Su Pollard and use her as a draught excluder.

Logan said...

You know, she did sort of smell like she was ovulating in Part I.

CyberPete said...

Klee aren't you describing Joan Collins?

kyknoord said...

What sort of sound does baited breath make?

surly girl said...

don't say i didn't warn you.

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