Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Meanwhile, in the Headmistress' Office...

Now. Madonna. Do come in and sit down.

Don't slouch, dear. It's unladylike.

You're probably wondering why you've been sent here, aren't you? Well, I'll get straight to the point. Your teacher has found out you've been copying.

Now, now. Ah-ah-ah! Don't start pointing the finger and saying things like you're a 'social chameleon' and a 'international trend-setter'. The fact remains that your latest essay called - what does it say? 'Hung up'? - contains huge parts of another essay called 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' and it simply will not do. I know two boys in the sixth form called Benny and Bjorn who are most upset about it. I've had their parents on the phone. And my Swedish isn't very good, but their voices were very loud.

I know you've been trying to hang around with that drama group, and I think your work's been suffering, my dear. To put it kindly, we all know you're not really an actress. I mean, your turn in the school panto was just embarrassing. The whole staff room thought 'Swept Away' was going to be a gay little romp about housework, but then we find you're almost, well, taken the wrong way on stage. Poor Mrs Hooper nearly choked on her buns, let me tell you.


No, we do not say 'Good' when things like that happen. It's most unladylike.

Now, I'd like you to take this away and try again. And we're going to be writing a nice letter to Benny and Bjorn's parents, aren't we? And we can only hope it's going to be better worded than this little effort, madam. I mean... let me get my glasses... 'Every little thing that you say or do. I'm hung up. I'm hung up on you.' Really, dear! It sounds like you've been letting that Lordes girl in the nursery class write it for you! Terrible, terrible effort. Did that fall from the horse in Games impair you head in some way?

Excuse me, dear? I know you love the gays. We all do, dear. And I'm sure they all like this too. But they really have no taste at times. I mean, stick a glitter ball in the middle of the gym and tell them we're showing a back-to-back marathon of Grease, and they flock like moths to a flame.

But, you see, you really should be disappointed in yourself more than anyone. And certainly not disappointed in being caught. You used to be so original! Oh, remember when you came to school with those lacy gloves on, and the whole school were wearing them the week after? Oh yes, even Mrs Hooper thought she'd be able to carry a pair off, which was hilarious in itself. But these days, it seems the other way around! I heard that little Alison Goldfrapp had her music notes stolen last week, and all of a sudden, you're offering to hand in work that looks suspiciously like her handwriting?

Now, now. Stop crying. It's not all bad. I know this year can be stressful, but you really must learn to help yourself more. Here, have a hankie and get back to class. Go on.

And send in that Lisa Scott Lee on your way out. I feel an expulsion coming on...


Rob said...

[Chokes on coffee.]

Original? WHEN?

She's just never nicked anything so blatantly before. I mean... we could be forgiven for never having heard of Mirwais or Billy Orbit before but now she's nicked from the mainstream... well. For shame!

I kind of like it though I must say. Amazing how she's made an ABBA sample gayer though isn't it?

c'lam said...

i *still* haven't heard it yet.

lisa scot lee on the other hand, i've heard entirely too much of

CyberPete said...

I wonder why they haven't started playing it here. Not her best work I have to say and I wonder what the rest sounds like.

Who's Lisa Scott Lee?

Rob said...

"Who's Lisa Scott Lee?"

She stars in a program called "Totally Talent Free" on MTV over here.

And used to be in Steps.

Pam said...

You are fabulous !

tornwordo said...

I read it out loud with the high matronly voice. Hilarifying myself.

Jay said...

I'm sure she'll take that straight to heart.

Perry Neeham said...

Radio, TV or film? I dunno, but I hope it's coming soon. Now that Joyce Grenfell has sadly gone to that great St Trinians in the sky I suppose Patricia Routledge will have to play the part.

kim said...


AndyT13 said...

Really! Really! Good!
Quite funny indeed!

Adam said...

You are a genious!! I love this post. You are added to my blogroll!!!

Shampaynes Plaice said...

Well fucking funny mate.