Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Of Nipples and Mattresses

We lay in bed together, staring at the ceiling.
"I'm hungry," I announced, kicking my feet.
"But it's so comfy..." he said, sounding far too content. I knew that he wasn't going to move unless I physically pushed him.
I sighed and looked around a bit more. The room was too bright and there were tiny little pink flowers on the duvet cover. I casually started picking at them; not exactly masculine.
"Come on," I implored after a few minutes. "Food... Hunger!"
He turned, burying his head into the enormous pillow. "Five more minutes."
"Look, we'd better get off. The sales assistant is looking at us funny."
He groaned and sat up. "Oh, let her. I'm sure she's seen a couple of fags shopping for beds before. Besides, if she comes over, I can tell her that her blouse is too small and her nipples aren't level."
"Be nice. You want this bed."
"I want this bed," he stated, hugging the pillow.
"I know you do." The Wife covets beds in the same way women covet shoes. Unfortunately his taste and his bank balance rarely tally.
He swung his legs over the side and stood up reluctantly, his hand trailed behind, refusing to let go of the sheets. He looked at the pricetag once more, as if the numbers would suddenly rotate, or if he'd made a mistake and the decimal place was in the wrong spot. Bless him.
"Well. We could... you know..." I said, raising an eyebrow.
"What?"
"You know. Do the business. Soiled goods. Get you a discount..."
He seriously considered it for a full five seconds before bursting out into the most enormous grin.
 

10 comments:

Adam said...

I think that if I look at the price on something as I leave that it will magically change as I walk away as if I was calling the items bluff. Why do I do that?

Rob said...

The triumph of hope over experience, I imagine.

Binding you really are a master of storytelling. Your ability to divulge a sudden amusing plot twist is unsurpassed.

I would bow down before you, but I fear old age will prevent me getting up again.

Broadband Ian said...

"I would bow down before you, but I fear old age will prevent me getting up again."

I thought I was reading Gertie's Blog again for a moment there.

Logan said...

It's not every day that a person gets handed the opportunity to say "I'd like it, but it's all sticky".

Snooze said...

Sheer brilliance. I love the way you set up the tale. I covet beds the same way that the Wife does.

laura said...

like the blog, love the glitter :)

laura
www.victimofobsession.com
(formerly glittering.org)

tornwordo said...

And I fell off my chair laughing at the wife's comment on the blouse and nipple level. Really, spouse ran over to help me up ridiculing me all the while.

Pam said...

What did you have to eat ?

Vampire Librarian said...

God, you two are so perfect for each other.

surly girl said...

the sort of people who work in bed shops are unlikely to have the requisite number of chromosomes*, let alone level nipples. somebody once tried to sell me a mattress through a mouthful of pringles. and she had a cataclysmic squint.

*may not apply to bed shops outside of suffolk