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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Any Port And Lemon In A Storm

I was meant to go to three birthday parties this Saturday. All important.

In this inclement weather, one must forgo a little glamour to keep warm. And as the night was as bitter as a lesbian who's Life-Partner had run off with a man, so out goes the sensational cocktails, and in is wheeled a little something to warm my cockles.

Oh yes, I've taken to drinking port in my dotage - a good hardy drink to fend off the bad weather. So I started the first party off with a good couple of glasses. Just to warm me up, you understand.

After some time, I went back to the bar:

"Same again sir?
"Oh, I think I'll have a double."
The Bar Functionary stopped cleaning his glass for a second.
"Sir, you've been drinking doubles all evening."
"I have?"
"We only serve port in doubles."
I narrowed my eyes, waiting for a reaction from him. A grin or something to give the game away.
"Well," I said leaning a little too reliantly on the barstool. "In that case, I'll have a triple - no wait. What's the double of a double?"
"A quadruple."
"A quadruple is a double of a double?"
"Yes sir."
"You're very good at maths."
"Thank you, sir," he said, genuinely pleased. "Here's your, ah, quadruple. And have another one on the house."

Oh yes. I was meant to go to three birthday parties this weekend. By the end of the night, I was barely there for one.


c'lam said...

brandy and lovage is another fabulous old person's drink

Kellycat said...

As is a whisky mac. Or a rum and peppermint.

Port and lemon is very Liz Macdonald. You can only seriously order a port and lemon if you're over forty five and wearing something inappropiately tight.

(Cue Madonna foregoing the Timothy Taylor for something more ladylike...)

surly girl said...


Lee said...

(hangs head)

I know. Sorry.

Reluctant Nomad said...

So was that a double quadruple you got when you got one on the house? An octuple, that would be. Or was it a quadruple and a double which would have made it a sexkitten, I mean, a sextet, um, a sextuple?

Broadband Ian said...

I can only assume that the one you had on the house was, indeed, a beverage.

And doesn't port give you gout? I'm sure if it was the other way round we'd have heard by now.

EarthMother said...

A good drinker is a lot like a good lover. Pace yourself, man, pace yourself!!

Pashmina said...

Tsk. You'll be drinking it by the yard next...
Actually, substitute "mother's husband" for "Bar Functionary", and that's exactly how I'm planning to spend Christmas day. Cheers!

AndyT13 said...

Bahtendah, ah hab anova quar..quorud..quimprumpl...
foursome! Cheers! Sorry you're feeling under the weather.

kyknoord said...

Well, at least you were there in spirit - in a manner of speaking.

Call Me Jack said...

Dude - you are so good at The Maths.

And folks should learn to appreciate Port before they hit their dotage, no?