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Monday, November 14, 2005

Confessions on a Toilet Floor

Well. Thanks to us taking the piss out of pop's very own Mrs Overall on Friday, we had a call from 'her people' over the weekend. Apparently, Madge wanted to put the record straight to all we accused her of, and could fit me in for a quick interview between Smash Hits and The Lady if we wanted. Well, who could refuse talking to an icon? Here's the transcript:


(Door slams open)

MADGE: ARE YOU FUCKING READY, GLITTER FOR BRAINS?!!!

G4B: Good lord. Do sit down. A woman of your age really shouldn't... you know.

MADGE: What, motherfucker?

G4B: I was going to say 'high-kick' but I'll settle for 'be wearing a leotard'.

MADGE: I've still gorrit.

G4B: Now Madge, thank you very much for coming in for an interview. Cynically, we only thought you'd agreed when we said the magic word.

MADGE: 'Kabbalah'?

G4B: 'Gay'.

MADGE: Insert something positive and uplifting about The Gays.

G4B: But it would be fair to say that this new album panders a little to Gentlemen Who Admire Curtains. Or is it a natural progression after being inspired by dance music for 'Ray of Light' and country and western for 'Music'...

MADGE: Do you want me to be a cowboy? I can be a cowboy for you...

G4B: Madge, please. Sit down.

MADGE: I can do anything, you know. Cowboy, cop, Indian, construction worker. Anything.

G4B: Shall we talk about your new album, 'Confessions on a Dance Floor'? Releasing two versions of it seems like a bit of a desperate attempt to get a bit more extra cash, wouldn't you say?

MADGE: Are you going to finish that pastry?

G4B: Yes, why?

MADGE: No. No reason. I've never stolen anything in my life. All my ideas are perfectly my own.

G4B: Hey! Give that back!

MADGE: I think you'll find it was my pasty all along. In fact, Gwen Stefani has been trying to nick all my baked goods for ages.

G4B: Er. So. Regarding your album, and lyrics in general. I think I have them written down here...

MADGE: Ooh, so do I... It's at the bottom of my handbag...

G4B: Here we are! Now, please explain these lines 'I don't like cities but I like New York / Every other city makes me feel like a dork'.

MADGE: These ones here?

G4B: Yes. Oh - your version seems to be written in crayon! Have you been letting Lourdes to write these for you again?

MADGE: No.

G4B: Are you sure?

MADGE: I did them. They're wholly my idea. I didn't steal anything.

G4B: It says 'Wot I Did In My Hodilays by Lourdes' at the top!

MADGE: Lourdes? No. That's just my new logo. You see the mirrorball in the 'o'? That's me, that is. Yes.

G4B: Madge! You've been nicking things off your own children! Haven't you?
Well? Haven't you?
And why are you pulling that face?
Hmm?

MADGE: You're... standing... on... my... saline... drip...

G4B: Oh, sorry. I didn't realise.

MADGE: See? I'm still in good shape for my age! I can get my leg right over my head.

G4B: It's fine, really. And I'm hoping that grinding noise was the builders outside...

MADGE: You see I'm so versatile, I can do anything. Watch me! Look at me. You want me to be a belly dancer? I can do that. Or what about a sailor? I could do that for you! I can be anything you want!

G4B: Would you kindly-

MADGE: Love me.

G4B: I'm sorry?

MADGE: Love me. Please.

G4B: Madge, I think I shouldn't keep you any longer. Thank you for your time. And please - keep the chair that you're trying to stuff into your handbag.

MADGE: It was my chair all along.




(The new album is really good, though. How vexing.)
 

14 comments:

MikeMK said...

And of course she's feeling a little Parky this Saturday, isn't she? - sharing such bon mots as "You do have to learn to say 'I'm sorry', even when you don't mean it".
And she was first attracted to Guy when she saw him playing tennis with his top-off. It could all so easily have been Mrs Madge Henman, couldn't it?

RickB said...

I'm so glad Madge is finally getting the kicking she deserves. Can we start on Mariah Carey next?
Someone navigated to my blog the other day using the search phrase "Madonna is talentless".
I was beyond proud.

Kellycat said...

Let me know the date and location and I'll happily join in some Mariah-bashing.

I think "scary man hands" and "lumberjack shoulders" should be listed as items for discussion.

Jaclyn said...

Oh come off it. You love her and you know it. :-P

I mean, who doesn't? Some of us have grown up listening to her, and she was a kick ass girl in a time when women were just beginning to dig their spurs into a male-dominated industry - along with cyndi lauper, pat benetar, and joan jett to name a few others.

She'll always have a special little place in my heart - no matter how eccentric, geriatric, or just plain crazy she gets. Admit it, you feel the same way, eh?

surly girl said...

well true blue was quite good. it's all the kabbalah spouting, children's book writing, english genteel lady (who can still let her arse hang out of a leotard if it'll pay the rent) posturing that pisses me off.

ViVi said...

*stands up and applauds*

I had the realization the other night that seeing her in dance videos now is a bit like your mom getting a bit too excited at the wedding reception.

"Moooooooom! Staaaaaawp! You're embarrassing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

CyberPete said...

I have to say that the album is very blah, the low points are especially from Isaac to the end. Was hoping she'd prove herself but no, it's all ugly outfits and inappropiate dancemoves/videos

tornwordo said...

If the album makes me want to get up and move, I'll like it.

Can't watch her for more than a few seconds though without feeling, what's the word, oh yes, judgemental.

epicurist said...

I wasn't sure if you liked it, being all tongue and cheek in that interview, you sexy kitten you!

Broadband Ian said...

As with Jaclyn, I too have a special place for Madonna, and have done for getting on for 20 years now.

It's a hole, over six feet deep, covered with bambo and turf and the damn bitch still hasn't walked into it.

I'm off now to put a sign near it saying, "Next big thing: Standing on this smooth turf".

That'll get her.

Lee said...

Ha! I love you all.

Perry Neeham said...

Have you got a transcript of 'The Lady' interview with her? Might be fun . . .

Rob said...

Frankly my reaction so far to the album has been a bit "meh" really.

It hasn't made me want to shake my booty one little bit. And at times it's a bit sub-Geri-Halliwell.

I think we need to cut off her hands so she can't read any more rhyming dictionaries.

Broadband Ian said...

Oh come on Rob, I really don't think we need a reason.