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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Crayola-Gate

My love of stationary is almost pornographic. Which is good, as my love of pornography is nigh-on religious fervour.

But let's thankfully concentrate on the pens this time around: who cannot gain a little sliver of joy from a new ballpoint, popping the lid for the first time, and cry out in elation as the ink - so new, so viscous! - comes thick and fast over your virginal page? Or seeing a rack of new pencils, sharpened to a stiletto point, lined up so? Oh, I look at those pointy pencils and pity any passing vampire.

Which is why the following is proving to be such a difficult dilemma: someone has been 'let go' from our company. This someone was working alongside me when it came to promotions. And this someone gave me three whole boxes of brand-new, not-out-of-the-box Crayola crayons to look after.

(sneaky look left and right)

And now they could be mine.

No-one knows I've got them. I could easily sneak them back home, taking each one out of the box and run them under my nose like a fine cigar. I could spend hours rubbing them against my naked body, laughing like a stoat.

But the Big Question is: should I? Should I sneak these little slivers of joy out of the building? Should I rekindle my life as Raffles, Gentleman Thief? Here's your chance to be my own usually-absent moral compass!

Do leave your thoughts below, poppets.
 

32 comments:

St. Dickeybird said...

My ex had a similar problem. But instead of pens, she was asked by the departing employee to hold a dozen iPods.
I love my iPod.
:)

St. Dickeybird said...

In other words, get your pens home where they belong!

Pashmina said...

Do it! Stationery theft is not a crime!

Well, OK, so strictly speaking it is. But ask yourself this:
1) Does anyone else know you have them?
2) Does anyone you work with ever have cause to drop round to Glitter Towers where they might spy the incriminating evidence?
3) Are there CCTV cameras concealed in lever-arch files anywhere near your desk?

If the coast is clear, you know your duty - the office environment is no place for packs of innocent crayons to grow up. Set them free whilst you still can...

Snooze said...

You could spill coffee on the package (not harming the crayons), and then you'd be obligated to remove the damaged goods.

Will said...

And does whoever is responsible for the stationery generally read this here blog?

Super Check-In Boy said...

Personally I see stationary supplies as part of my overall remuneration and benefits package. As this is a relatively small package I can be regularly found increasing my salary down on my Grafton St stall. I call it entrepreneurial spirit.

Lee said...

I'm gradually learning all my readers are petty thieves.

Cool.

Kellycat said...

Take them and use them to write your Christmas cards with.

If you're taking requests, I'll have mine in "Magenta". Or "Chartreuse" (just because I like the name.)

Working in Customer Services, I can always recommend that writing a complaint letter to a company in crayon is guaranteed to freak them out. Especially, if you write "Love and Kisses" instead of "Yours sincerely".

surly girl said...

steal them immediately and post them to me. i fucking love crayons. crayons rock. woo! crayons.

*breathes deeply and tries to calm down a bit*

*fails*

WOO! CRAYONS!!

morgalou said...

*mutters in a sullen voice & stubs toe in the dirt*
Don't like crayons.

I had a nasty experience with one when I was little. Having seen Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (and having got over the trauma that Gene Wilder's hair inflicted on me) I took it upon myself to find out if my multicoloured rainbow crayons actually tasted like rainbows.

It didn't.

Lee said...

Hahahhahahhaaa! Poor Morgalou!

And Surly - calm yourself. I'll gladly share my crayons... if you cook the meatballs for me!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Pauline Campbell-Jones, is that you in there?

CyberPete said...

As the one in charge of office supplies where I work, I'm outraged. But of course if you were to send me a christmas card I'd think it was alright ;)
Just beware there are probably cameras and you'll end up on one of those shows on tv showing people who pee in the coffee pot and such.

Jaclyn said...

crayons! yay!

ahhh, the smell!

glad i'm not the only one out there with a fetish for crayola scent.

tornwordo said...

Risk job for a couple a - what are they, shillings or some shit- Dear, you know better than that. It does sound thrilling though.

AndyT13 said...

Steal them! Steal them ALL!!!!!!!!!
Muah-hahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*ahem*

Or go buy a few packs. Either way.

Pam said...

Take the crayons for you are fabulous and fabulous people are allowed to do whatever they like !

Vampire Librarian said...

I'm not passing by. Really. Put down the pencil.

If you have a hot plate, steal the crayons and have fun drawing on paper with the hot plate underneath. Fascinated me for years. Shame, I no longer have a hot plate. Does your office have one?

Lee said...

I am intrigued. What happens when you daringly mix crayons and hot-plates?

surly girl said...

i think you can probably guess - think cher's panstick under hot lights - a sort of melting, drippy effect.

wouldn't the paper catch fire?

and if you bring the crayons and the wine, i'll provide a veritable mountain of meatballs....

Vampire Librarian said...

Surly girl has it right. You keep the hot plate on its lowest setting and draw on the paper. The hot plate heats the paper enough to make the crayons melt as you draw. It's like finger painting with less mess. It was an approved after school program activity when I was in elementary school so I guess it wasn't too dangerous, but then again, I did go to public schools.

RickB said...

when I first read that post I thought it said "vaginal page".
which is nicely descriptive of the soft V of the marginal gutter. Explains why I stick to ring-bound pads.

Dantallion said...

Oh, by all means Lee, take them home. Clearly, no one will appreciate them as much as you (pornographically, I mean). But please take pictures.

Junebugg said...

It was meant to be. Fate brought you and crayon togather. I say go for it.

Marcia said...

If you don't take those Crayons home and love them with all your heart, you're spitting in the face of karma, god, buddha, krisha, and all that is holy.

Spike said...

Lee, your public demands you take them home and get the wife to take polaroids of you rolling around in them 1) starkers and 2) in the periscope parka.

Cyberpete, where can I get a DVD of these peeps peeing in office coffee pots? There's a swine I know who's going to get that for his Secret Santa.

Donna said...

Mmmmm ... stationery .... I can often be found in WHSmith of a lunchtime, just looking at pens (and pencils, paper, little notebooks, erasers, pencil sharpeners). I often buy the kids (2 of mine, 4 of Andy's) little stationery gifts - but I don't think they get it.

Yes, yes, yes! You must have the crayons.

Reluctant Nomad said...

Are they at home (your one!) yet?

MQ said...

You could afford to buy your own crayons.

Can your company afford to replace these? If not, will redundancies loom if the crayons go? I think you know the answer.

CyberPete said...

Spike, I don't know. I've just seen the programme on TV a while ago. It's quite appalling and at times a bit hilarious really.
They also make one about restaurants and their lack of hygeine.

Wanton Wonton said...

as a lover of stationary supplies, i would highly recommending taking at least one...
they smell sooo good....

kim said...

Baggsy!