Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The Gayest Cake Disaster Imaginable

This Saturday was Aunty Drama's birthday! Jubilate all! And to see her into her glorious third century, we decided to smash a bottle of champagne against her hull and bake her a cake. Oh, but not just any old cake - it was to be The Gayest Cake Imaginable!

In retrospect, we should never have played with such primal forces.

Why not join us on a whirlwind of baking discovery to ascertain what you can - and cannot do - with three gallon of fondant and a rolling pin!

17:10pm (2 hours 50 before the party)
Step 1: Grease Your Pans!


In order to have to optimum baking requirements, every surface should be coated in flour. Including the inside of your pants, just to be on the safe side! And remember - baking goods also respond well to music. So if you're baking The Gayest Cake Imaginable, why not start off with the new Madonna album? Oh, you can taste the glitter in the air!

17:15 (2 hours 45 before the party)
Step 2: Beat Yourself Into A Froth

Beat away!

Look at that hand action! Look at that effort! Who else is getting flashbacks to 'Showgirls'?

17:30 (2 hours 30 before the party)
Step 3: Spread Your Load


As a jaunty chorus of 'Mr Sandman' was sung, the pink colorant added. As you can tell, the mix is already starting to glitter and glow. We're having to wear goggles with Condoliza Rice painted on the lenses in order to stop the Fabulous permanently searing our retinas!

17:35 (2 hours 25 before the party)
Step 4: Lick It Out


A brave move from the Wife there. That much Gayness taken in its pure form can lead you to think that highlights are a Good Idea or, in extreme cases, believe you are Liza Minelli...

17:40 (2 hours 20 before the party)
Step 5: Plan Your Attack


With his Special Thinking Glasses on, Lee plans exactly what is going to grace the top of the Baked Glorious. You should also consider such fastidiousness - simply putting 'You Are Old' on the top won't win you any friends, no matter how fancy your buttery swirls!

18:20 (1 hours 40 before the party - and seconds from disaster)
Step 6: Spread 'Em For Daddy

It got everywhere!

It's time to start oozing your sticky love all over the soft, receptive area. But a WORD OF WARNING: do not, as we did, put jam down first, and then try spreading the icing on top. The top part of the cake started to break up and started sliding down the icing like tectonic plates! It, like Britney Spears, was collapsing under its own weight!

No matter how much patching up with icing, the cake was sliding apart!

By 18:25, the cake was ruined.

18:30 (1 hours 30 before the party)
Step 7: Always Swallow


The cake had buckled under its own mass. But the Wife is never one to let anything go to waste! In the meantime, we were distraught. Not only were we without a cake, but we also had to safely dispose something that produced so much background Gay Radiation that people's hair was being done whenever they came close!

19.15 (45 mins before the party - Lee is 30, The Wife is 37)
Step 8: The Second Coming


Bereft and cakeless, that clever spark Lee suddenly remembered that he had a gay cake at his home! Why it was in the fridge, ready to celebrate the release of Madge's new album on Monday! Hurrah! So everyone trapsed over to his FabulousLondonBridgePad, their icing bags banging together!

19:50 (10 mins before the party)
Step 9: Eat Me Out


The icing is finished! No-one would ever know that it was meant to be for her Madge-esty! Why, it even looks good enough to eat!
Quick boys! Hie thee to Old Street, fast!

02:15 (5 hours 15 after the start of the party)
Step 10: After Glow


A semi-success! And it contained so much sugar that people who had it didn't have a hangover the following day! Brilliant!

Alas, this wasn't the Gayest Cake Imaginable. Here is our previous effort, which was even GAYER.


Skip said...

The one thing the pictures can't describe though is the *SMELL* of your cakes.

It's a heady mix of anti-freeze, strawberry shower gel and artificial penguin musk.

It's like... like... well, if Joan Collins' special lighting filter was converted into a smell... that would be it.

RickB said...

that is such a funny post that I Can't think of anything funny to say in return. loving the fact you happened to have a madonna cake lying around anyway.
I wish I had a picture of the time my mum asked me to decorate the christmas cake, aged 12. "Pink" doesn't even cover it. think that was the catalyst for my first lot of electric shock therapy.

surly girl said...

aren't cakes inherently gay? ooh, a big gay cake. you should do a butch one next time.

CyberPete said...

Your glasses are very Queer Eye Ted, I approve!

Lee said...

Cyber: Ah, they're not my glasses. I purloined them!

Surly: Ohh, a butch cake... All I can think of is putting Action Man on the top.

Which doesn't help.

Kellycat said...

I defy you to produce a butch cake.

Think of the butchest man you can think of. Then imagine him eating cake. Doesn't look quite so butch now does he? I bet in your head, he's sticking his little finger out, while carefully licking the crumbs off his lips.

surly girl said...

kc - stop fluffing!

lee - you know, a big butch cake. with, ooh, butch things on it. like power tools. or footballs. or big, hunky, semi-naked firemen, all sweaty and smudged in soot from rescuing small tiny babies from fires....


klee said...

* Steals ideas for a 'fruity' Christmas cake *

Electric hand whisks in cakemakery are cheating. Everyone knows the Gays' limp wrists mask a fiendishly resilient musculature. They have to: as anyone who's taken a pillhead home from a club will confirm.

Kellycat said...

SG - You could ice the contents of B&Q on the top, but you still can't look butch while eating it.*

*Unless you're Mariah Carey.

Dantallion said...

So, you've had your cake, AND you've eaten it too. That a bit of a turn on, really.

Lee said...

You really have a thing against Mariah, don't you Kellycat?

I'm not complaining. I'd like to have something against her: a shotgun.

Kellycat said...

Don't even get me started...

No really. I mean it. It won't be pretty (like Mariah)


tornwordo said...

Loved the pics! We made our own wedding cake. If I never see fondant again, it'll be too soon.

surly girl said...

i know something that makes your cake look butch!!

two words: jason orange.

i never knew he was a gay.....and i'm pretty good at spotting that sort of thing. i felt so silly as i watched him on't telly last night...

Adriana said...

To see it come to life like that, to know the effort that went into it, to know that Madonna's cake was cast aside for me. All these things make me happy.
Sadly however I never got to eat any. Still the sweetness that eminated from every iced pore meant I didn't get a hangover.

Jaclyn said...

I recently made the same oopsie a few weeks ago baking a chocolate raspberry cake for my friend. I put the raspberry jam on, then tried to do the frosting was a disaster.

But I found a solution! To get the nice jammy flavor without the destruction, poke holes in your warm cake and drizzle freshly prepared JELL-O mix into it (do they sell that in london?). Let the cake cool, frost, and voila!

Loved the pics. You and the Wife are so cute when you bake!

MQ said...

Ok well if you don't own the glasses, you need to get some just like those ones you were modelling. And wear them with your parka.

CyberPete said...

I can't get over those glasses, are they Davidoffs? I almost bought a pair when I bought my glasses.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Are you and your wife witches? The only reason I ask is that the recipe bares a striking similarity to a spell I came across a few decades ago... I barely made it out of the kitchen alive!
In fact several previously inanimate objects (such as a rather ancient microwave, a punch bowl and inexplicably, a bottle of Jif) made it out alive, too. Such was the power of the gayness!
We'll have to swap recipe books...

surly girl said...

i think "davidoff" is a front for the shady business dealings of david hasselhoff.

think about's almost too perfect...

Snooze said...

Enough! You write well, your photo journals are fantastic and hilarious (I'm remembering the karaoke of "never been to me"), and both you and the Wife are good-looking and photogenic. And now you're also kind hearted enough to go to a lot of effort to celebrate a friend's day. It's all a bit much for me.

EarthMother said...

I want the receipe!!! The madge creation looked like cotton candy in cake form. I think I'm going to do a variation on your theme and bake up a batch of tarts for the sluts party.

CyberPete said...

Now I'm pretty sure I did the right thing not getting those glasses Surly Girl.. YIKES!

RickB said...

going back to an earlier comment by surly girl...
Jason Orange isn't gay. He really isn't. I know he's the campest man on earth, but ha actually sleeps with women, in real life. This is true, I'm not building up to a gag...

surly girl said...

oh, come on way!!

i demand photographic evidence.

Wannabeleader said...

Nice photos!

Mimi in NY said...

Sweet! e-numbers, gay and cake. Thanks boys.