Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Lulu (Part III)

(Enter Lee, wiping his hands on a towel)

LEE: What a long night! Spending five hours delivering Lulu's bizarre offspring. I'm knackered.

(a beat)

What's in the bin bag? And come to think of it, why is it so quiet in here?

(a beat)

And what's with the brick?

JAY: Let's just say that, if anyone goes rifling through our bins to steal our identity, they're in for a bit of a shock.

LEE: You didn't!

JAY: Beardface, the little things were lame anyway. And we wouldn't want the creation of another dead-eyed daytime presenter on our consciences, would we?

LEE: Aww. But the lank-haired one was so cute! I wanted to keep her. Her first words were 'Cubic Zirconia'...

JAY: We have bigger problems, Beardface. Listen. The assembled d-list divas have stopped attacking.

LEE: That's a good thing. Right? That is a good thing, isn?t it?

JAY: Not necessarily. They could be marshalling their strength for a bigger attack...

LEE: Oh my god. They're using Aretha Franklin as a battering ram!

JAY: Clever girl.

ARETHA: R! (slam!) E! (slam!) S! (slam!) P! (slam!) E! (slam!) C! (slam!) T!

LEE: They're coming out the goddam walls! THEY'RE COMING OUT THE GODDAM WALLS! Ow! What was that for?

JAY: Pull yourself together, man! We have to get out of this. Now think! Why would these d-list divas be hammering on our charming pied-a-terre?

LEE: Errr... I do a mean shepherd's pie.

JAY: That grey lump with the cheese?

LEE: That's the toad in the hole. The shepherd's pie is the brown stuff that looks like dog vomit.

JAY: Oh yes. That. Well, you're not having the divas around for dinner.

LEE: I know, they'll rip our heads off.

JAY: And we've only got six chairs. And two of those would be needed for the corpulent Dame Judi...

LEE: Of course, it's obvious - they're all after Lulu!

JAY: Why on earth would this army of semi-fabulous be after Lulu?

LEE: Well, look at her. She's three-hundred and nine and still got skin smoother than my peachy behind.

JAY: That grey lump with the cheese?

LEE: I could go off you, you know.

JAY: Well, there's only one way to find out. There! We! Go!

LEE: Oh! You can't throw Lulu out there! She'll make them more powerful! Oh I can't watch!

JAY: Oh. They've all kind of gathered around her.

LEE: And?!

JAY: They're kind of sniffing her a bit, and - oh.

LEE: What? What?! What's happening?

JAY: They've ripped her to shreds.

LEE: Ohgod. Ohgod. Ohgod. Lulu! And we're next!

JAY: We have to think why they're here. Why, Beardface! Come on - you've got a degree.

LEE: In needlework, you fool! Oh, heaven help me! I don't want to die at the hands of a former Coronation Street star!

JAY: That's it! Wasps!

LEE: What?

JAY: Wasps, you bushy buffoon! When you kill a wasp, it released a scent that drives all the other wasps to attack. It must be the same with divas. This all stated when Cher had her accident!

LEE: You mean you knocked her head off.

JAY: Details, details.

LEE: So all we have to do is create a convincing Cher for them to call off their attack!

JAY: I've got a mop!

LEE: And I've got two plastic cups for the breasts!

JAY: Strap a tape recorder to it playing 'Believe' and we're all done!

LEE: There. Throw it outside.

JAY: And it's gone!

LEE: What's happening?

JAY: They're sniffing it... and slowly approaching... shit! One of the breasts fell off!

LEE: It's alright. That always used to happen with the real thing all the time.

JAY: They've reached the Cher...

LEE: I'm scared.

JAY: They?ve picked it up...

LEE: And? AND?!

JAY: ...they are taking it with them.

LEE: They're going?

JAY: Every last one. Off into the night, probably to find the warmth of a Green Room to sleep in.

LEE: Aww. Brilliant. Well done, you. How did you know about the wasps?

JAY: People tell me things. I'm very approachable.

LEE: Like fudge you are.

JAY: Well, one thing is certain. No more pets for you, Beardface. Deal?

LEE: Deal!

(Exeunt Jay, whistling 'To Sir With Love')

LEE: I just won't tell him about little Cilla Black sleeping under my bed...

(the end)


Snooze said...

Whatever will Patsy and Edina do now that you've killed off Lulu?

surly girl said...

you are mental. proper, actual mental.

which is a good thing, obviously.

Logan said...

On a somewhat related note, I'm surprised Cher never kept the parts she had made into plastic. At some point they could be reassembled and brought to life as a miniCher. Hrmf.

This was brilliant -- kudos and smoochies, mister L.

Imogen said...

A baby Cilla Black under the bed? What were you thinking? I'm sure the wonder that is Lulu must have had at least one more appealing mini b-list celebrity baby...

kyknoord said...

I detect the makings of a sequel in there.

Lee said...

I wouldn't dare.