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Friday, November 04, 2005

My Crotch Stiffened...

The marvellous thing about 'going commando' is the sly liberated feeling one gets in a supermarket queue. The downside is that well-worn hole - you know, the one that slowly widens with wear between ones thighs to show your breakfast - does appear a lot sooner than it really should.

Said hole recently appeared in my favourite pair of jeans, so it was off to Mr Mend-It in London's trendy London for a bit of a repair job.

Well, I was expecting a couple of stitches in there to prevent any sort of spillage, but they've gone and what can only be described as upholstered the seat. It's a stupendous job - you can't see the join at all, but out of nowhere, some sort of reinforced fabric has all but welded in place, and appears to be thick enough to survive atmospheric re-entry. It's like they've installed a drip-tray, a steel plate to weather the hardiest effects of three-bean curries from the night before!

Although it is most distracting walking to work with what feels like scaffolding in your gusset.

Suddenly, my trousers have doubled their weight, and one must resort to wearing a belt. Now I have a thing against belts; the Wife has a large collection of big cowboy buckles which do look marvellous, but are wholly inconvenient when it comes to oral sex. Oh yes, I could tell you of a whole host of times I've come into work with 'Texas Cowboy' imprinted in reverse on my forehead...
 

11 comments:

kyknoord said...

Lee, you bastard. You KNOW I've cracked a rib.

St. Dickeybird said...

lol, what a friday read!

I can't go commando. I tend to get wood at the most inappropriate moments, and need knickers to hold it close.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ooh, I'm intrigued. Where can I get some of this heat-shield-like fabric? It would be very useful when I'm on the broom and the dratted thing decides to stall 29,000 feet up!
Who is this Mr Mend-It? Does he have connections with NASA?

P.S. Bad luck with the whole scaffolding/belt thing. Maybe the "construction" look will be the next big thing. We only have you to thank.

Tam said...

I thought crotchless jeans were the new IT pant.

Dantallion said...

Ahahaha! Thank you for this.

(The Wife, by the way, sounds like a very lucky person indeed.)

Spaceminx said...

I haven't stopped giggling for the last ten minutes. Thank you Minky.

Logan said...

I sort of don't feel as bad about having 'Got Beer?' repeatedly stamped into my cranium.

Still insecure about "TWINK IT UP", though.

Rob said...

Sounds like Thresher and Hawes' Patented Double-Gusset and Splashback to me.

They're very good.

Jon said...

Is there anything more arousing than seeing someone in shiny trackies going commando... the outline... the shinyness...

...Do excuse me for a moment...

Gareth said...

Ever since my trousers split in the arse area whilst walking along Victoria Street in my lunch hour, I've been wary about going commando more than half an hours walk away from home.

Vampire Librarian said...

This is just another thing, females really can't/shouldn't do, especially with jeans. Shudder, the chafing.