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Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Fascinating Facts! Barbra Streisand

Today, we examine that icon, songstress, actress and eBay-addict, Barbra 'Call me Ms' Streisand!

Barbra was born on 24th April 1942 in Brooklyn, the daughter of a cotton mill and a coal mine. She grew up an Unorthodox Jew until someone turned her Torah the right way up in class.

While we all know Ms Streisand's real name is Melvin Super, not many people know how Babs picked her stage name. It actually comes from her first ever gig appraisal, where she tearfully took the each letters of the harsh review 'drab artisan, banjo arse' and rearranged it to form 'Barbara Joan Streisand' to remind herself she must do better. And lose a little off her bum.

She dropped the second 'a' in 'Barbara' when her car went over a bump.

Ms Streisand has had an extemporary career in film, to whit several of Babs' classic films have gone on to rouse several pornographic versions. These are, in no particular order, 'The Thighs of Laura Mars', 'Up The Dirtbox', 'A Star is Porn' and the water-sport themed classic, 'On A Clear Day You Can Wee Forever'.

At great expense, realistic-looking prosthetic eyes had to be created for Kris Kristofferson for the kissing scene in 'A Star Is Born'. These were placed over his real eyes to protect them from Babs' prodigious nose when she leant in for the kill.

It is impossible for Barbra Streisand and Barry Manilow ever to meet face-to-face. This is because she is allergic to pianos.

Barbra can hold a note so high and so long that the dolphins have secretly proclaimed her as their queen. Her month-long vanishings can now be attributed to her making public appearances off the Great Barrier Reef to open fishy supermarkets and do the dolphin's TV Christmas address, and also explains why she always flips tuna up into her mouth at dinner parties. And why she claps like a seal.

Barbra is hard as nails, and been implicated in several gangland executions. Babs is also the second highest-selling artist ever, after Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley is dead.

When she and Neil Diamond had the 1978 smash hit 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers' it was not the first time they had played together. They had, in fact, accidentally duetted in the bathroom half-hour before, both favouring the fart-trumpet as their instrument of choice after coincidentally having curry the night before. As usual, Barbra held a note so high and so long that the porcelain shattered, ruining her tights.

Barbra Streisand has started selling her blood in bottles. It is called mescaline.

Barbra is ageless and deathless and will never retire, but secretly plans to go live in The Oval Office when her work in stage and screen is done. She has drawn up plans that show her bed to be under the Roosevelt Desk, with a shower cubicle installed in that little passage between there and CJ's office.

Barbara Streisand secretly wants a coat made of 101 Dalmatians.
 

13 comments:

AndyT13 said...

Yes, I can totally see babs in the Cruella DeVille coat. Hysterical as always Lee.

coolbuddha said...

Have Babs and Bazza ever been seen together in the same room? Umm

Lee said...

Yes. Well, one was a waxwork.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* ultrasonic shriek of delight *

The mark. The mark! I have The Mark! I've made it in the Land of Blog! I have a link on Glitter for Brains!

Thank you.

And on to today's post: Pant-wettingly funny as usual. Although I'm somewhat hilariously horrified at "Up The Dirtbox" in an Inexplicably facinated way...

Lee said...

Oh yes. I've been adding a couple of people I have long been meaning to. There's a couple more when I get my act together...

tornwordo said...

Up the dirtbox is priceless. You must routinely be the life of the party.

Dantallion said...

You really are marvelous, Lee. I haven't laughed that hard in quite some time.

Kellycat said...

Can't...speak...for...laughing...(gulp)

surly girl said...

i am too tired and grumpy to comment, so i won't.

ah.

kyknoord said...

Utterly brilliant. "Banjo arse" is probably going to sustain me for at least a fortnight.

St. Dickeybird said...

heehee!

Kellycat said...

You're tagged. A list of your ten most fabulous foods please...

Marcia said...

I laughed so hard I spit wine at the computer!