Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Glitter for Brains at the Movies! War of the Worlds

We go so you don't have to!

Bit of a long time coming, this. Mostly because we didn't go to see it at the cinema in protest at the Cruise/Holmes comedy double-act that were doing the rounds at the time. Did you know the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard are buried in the desert in a mult-million dollar bunker? Oh, if only someone would do the same to those two. Anyway - on with the show!


RUN TITLES. War of the Worlds

TOM CRUISE arrives at his HOUSE, which is strewn with CAR PARTS, just as MIRANDA OTTO arrives to drop off his own two children.
All this shows that his character is COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL.

TOM CRUISE:
Come on in. Don't expect any food to be here, for this is a swinging heterosexual bachelor pad.

MIRANDA OTTO:
Right. My new husband and I are off to the end of the film to give you a hollow goal to head towards. Here are your two kids so you have something to emote against. See you later!

DAKOTA FANNING:
Hi dad! I'm as cute as a button!

THE AUDIENCE:
Die.

Meanwhile a STORM is brewing. TOM CRUISE wanders out and sees LIGHTNING strike the same place TWENTY TIMES. Slowly, an ALIEN TRIPOD rises from the EARTH.

TOM CRUISE:
Those machines have been buried for many years. And something came down on the lightning.

THE AUDIENCE:
He's remarkably well informed for someone who shifts crates for a living.

TOM CRUISE:
Something alien.

THE AUDIENCE:
So it took them twenty attempts to get in there? Sheesh. Well, we?ve been like that with our house keys when drunk...

The ALIEN TRIPOD starts destroying EVERYTHING. PEOPLE run for THEIR LIVES. TOM CRUISE legs it, turns a corner and pauses for a moment to ADDRESS THE CAMERA.

TOM CRUISE:
Of course, this is just a fiction - a playlette, if you will. Aliens are really visiting us to be our friends and mentors, as per the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard. But lets play along, shall we?

THE AUDIENCE:
...

STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Crash! Bang! Wallop! Gritty! Even more grit!

The movie becomes like SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, but with lots more HOODIE TOPS. TOM CRUISE eventually gets back to his CHILDREN.

TOM CRUISE:
We have to get out of here. NOW!

JUSTIN CHADWIN:
Playing the difficult teenager role, I am obliged to say I don't want to.

TOM CRUISE:
Why?

JUSTIN CHADWIN:
(shrugs) Dunno.

TOM CRUISE:
Steven?

STEVEN SPIELBERG laughs to himself and throws some more grit at the camera.

TOM CRUISE:
Well, anyway, we're going. NOW!

They RUN. TOM CRUISE steals a CAR because he is AN EVERYMAN WHO WILL DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT HIS KIDS.

THE AUDIENCE:
Do you see Dakota Fanning's about as tall as him?

STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Do you mind? I'm trying to craft a realistic-and-gritty war film.

THE AUDIENCE:
...in long shots, you can't tell who's carrying who. Hey! What's this in my popcorn?

STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Grit. Everything must be gritty.

There are LOTS of PEOPLE RUNNING. Lots of PEOPLE DYING. More PEOPLE DIE in many various and HORRIBLE WAYS. TOM CRUISE crawls through MUD as people DIE around him.

TOM CRUISE:
(breathless) We... have to... save Private Ryan...

STEVEN SPIELBERG hits him.

TOM CRUISE:
(breathless) We... have to... get to Boston... NOW!

More PEOPLE DIE everywhere. THE AUDIENCE slowly becomes IMMUNE to it.
Suddenly TOM CRUISE runs into TIM ROBBINS.

TIM ROBBINS:
Hi! Come in my house! I've got plenty of food and water!

STEVEN SPIELBERG:
PSST! Tim! Play it like the Republicans are outside.

TIM ROBBINS:
(eye twitching) I've got a plan... oh yes... I'm going to kill them all and then molest Dakota Fanning.

TOM CRUISE kills TIM ROBBINS because he is AN EVERYMAN WHO WILL DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT HIS KIDS. And also because he actually hasn't DONE ANYTHING DRAMATIC in this film at all.

And then the ALIENS DIE.

THE AUDIENCE:
Wuh?

STEVEN SPIELBERG:
It's in the original book. Oh yes. Gritty.

MORGAN FREEMAN (VO):
They die, susceptible to our bacteria.

THE AUDIENCE:
Oh. Er. Um. Well, god help us all if they ever come back with some Beechams Cold and Flu...


THE END.


(for Ron Hilton)
 

26 comments:

Kellycat said...

I CAN'T STAND TOM CRUISE.

You have just provided me with even more justification as to why I never want to see that film. And don't even get me started on the ultrasound machine. Grrrr.

CyberPete said...

That's just spot on Lee! Fabulouth as TC would have said it had he realised that he's fooling no one.
Dakota Fanning is pretty decent though, and I like the book.

surly girl said...

i sort of liked the film but it was like they got 1 hour 45 minutes in and spielberg said to himself "hmmm. what this film needs is an abrupt, unexplained conclusion which i can justify by saying that anyway, i didn't write it, hg wells did so shut up".

AndyT13 said...

Oh that's good. That's very very good. Thank you for sparing me the $4 rental fee. I was really getting desperate for a movie, but not that desperate as I can now see.

Darren said...

Ooh, the worst £6 spent on a film this year...

Especially the end when the Grandparents come out of their totally untouched house with that look of "We were watching Songs of Praise and having afternoon tea, did something happen out here?"

A true ending would have had one of the Tripods falling, flattening the house, the Grandparents and Tom Cruise, leaving Dakota Fanning to Gary Glitter, who had escaped there from Thailand to find some children of the less slanty-eyed variety so he could pass them off as "his" children...

coolbuddha said...

Damn! Haven't seen it yet and you've goner and given the plot away.
In the HG Wells novel, didn't the aliens sing 'Forever Autumn' with a voice over by Richard Burton?

coolbuddha said...

goner?

St. Dickeybird said...

hmmm, if only WOTW was this good...

tornwordo said...

Oh, thank you. Now I don't have to see it. And the Tim Robbins bit made me split a gut.

Marcia said...

I got more enjoyment out of that than I would have gotten from the movie... which I guess isn't much of a compliment. But your synopsis was awesome.

Imogen said...

>All this shows that his character is COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL<

He really is trying far too hard- what role do we think he'll take next?

Vampire Librarian said...

I liked the carnage and devestation, but was totally taken aback at the end. Darren described it right. What the hell? And what about that teenage son? "I must run toward the destruction because I have to SEE what happens because...I just HAVE to," and he LIVES?! That pissed me off.

morgalou said...

Now, I have to thank you for this post.

Last night, my dreams were invaded - nay, hijacked - by Tom Cruise in a hoodie. And a blond wig. Why the wig? Pass. But for his very presence, I blame you!

Snooze said...

The aside to L. Ron Hubbard was spot on. Loved this review. I feel that I can safely skip the movie now.

The Lady Muck said...

*laughs uncontrollably*
Spot on.

Dantallion said...

TOM CRUISE arrives at his HOUSE, which is strewn with CAR PARTS, just as MIRANDA OTTO arrives to drop off his own two children.
All this shows that his character is COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL.


I thought this film was billed as an Action flick, not Fantasy.

jjd said...

kudos. I liked your version, and though I haven't seen the actual version, I feel strangely satisfied.

angeleto said...

Now this is brilliant. Thanks for making me chuckle at my computer for the past 5 minutes.

j(aded) said...

Looking forward to your King Kong review...

Perry Neeham said...

I thought WOTW was beyond parody, happily it turns out it's not beyond GREAT parody! Move over Jonathan Woss. High time you had your own movie review show.

Jellyfish said...

The movie becomes like SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, but with lots more HOODIE TOPS.

Mwahaha. You are clever, Lee.

Saucy Lil' Tart said...

BRILLIANT! Ha! Some funny authorship right here.

Dantallion said...

You've disappeared. Please don't tell us you've run off somewhere with Tom. (Or worse yet, Dakota)

Sea.Monkey said...

This was one of the most hilarious things I've ever read. No wonder they call the language English.

A fan from the US

sixshooter said...

fucking brilliant, mate

glad i found your blog

i'll be back!

Normlr said...

Hilarious!! Glad I don't have to go see the movie now.