Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

A Squirt And A Wipe

In a fit of pique, our cleaner resigned a week or two ago. It was after a silly run-in about her seemingly spending most of her employment locked in the bathroom and sniffing the Toilet Duck.

Still, rather generously, she did offer a replacement: another Polish lady of her acquaintance. We agreed because, frankly, she couldn't be any worse than old Paulina the Cleaner, who we'd only employed because her name rhymed with her vocation anyway.

But the new girl isn't rubbish. She's marvellous. All of a sudden, surfaces we never knew we had are gleaming, the bathroom is spotless, and the dust-bunnies look like they've just been given myxomatosis.

"I clean good?" she asked the comedy housemate in her charming broken English when they accidentally bumped into one another. He was rather taken aback - she was all spiked heels and glamour before she shirking off her fur and whipping out the hoover. It's just not what you expect to be brandishing a loo brush. And God only knows where she's getting the rest of her cash to live on, but I tell you the eagerness she got to her knees with the Mr Muscle gave the game away a little.

We love her. Everyone should have a glamorous cleaner. The only problem is she's a little too thorough. By the side of my bed, there's a cloth for any... let's call them spillages. A 'glop-mop', if you will. Each time I come back after her visits, I find the room spotless, everything on the floor tidied away, and the wanky-hankie folded miraculously at the foot of the bed.

Three things come to mind. The first is, of course, 'ew'. The second is that I hope she thoroughly washes her hands afterwards. And the third is, bugger me she must be strong. It took me a cricket bat and a lot of leverage before I could even make a dent in that encrusted rag, yet she practically gives it hospital corners.

20 comments:

Jay said...

It's true, she really is that glamorous... we love her

Imogen said...

>the dust-bunnies look like they've just been given myxomatosis<
Forget dust-bunnies, in our place we have dust mammoths.

Oh, oh, oh, I want one.

Fab as always Lee!

Snooze said...

I've never heard the term wanky-hankie (and am sort of now thinking that I really didn't need to add that to my vocabulary). I hope you give her a generous holiday bonus.

tornwordo said...

You vile thing you! Glop mop! Fabulous.

kyknoord said...

That's something of a sticky problem to come to grips with.

Lee said...

> I hope you give her a generous holiday bonus.

I gave her some sturdier rubber gloves.

Seemed more appropriate.

MinCat said...

ahahahahaha...man i needed that.

The Lady Muck said...

Hmmm... I want to know her secret hanky softening trick. No reason... Just have some, er, hair gel on a garment and it won't budge. GODDAMIT tell me! is it lenor?

Kellycat said...

You know that she's entertaining "clients" on your sofa while you're out don't you?

kim said...

don't suppose she fancies another few hours a week in Clapham?

Cleaning, lee, cleaning.

St. Dickeybird said...

Ewwwwwwwwwww.
Have you thought about NOT cleaning them, but selling the used Wankie Hankies on Ebay?

coolbuddha said...

Better than a roll of industrial strength kitchen paper - and more environmentally sound too.

RickB said...

Just try and lock any "important" drawers. Ours can't look me in the eye any more. (although she winks at brad)

AndyT13 said...

Bloody marvelous!

jjd said...

I'm sure she figures it's just a snot rag? *blinks hopefully*

Reluctant Nomad said...

I've always called it a 'cum cloth' but 'wankie hankie' trips off the tongue (ahem!) so much more nicely.

Martin said...

I have belatedly realised that I am in love with Nadine Coyle. And Slapper. And Pramface.

Please, please tell me now - Is there something I should know?

Gulf Ditcher said...

This brings me back to an off blog conversation (sorry won't do that again) - stick to beach towels, but not with new boyfiends

Spaceminx said...

I'm so glad we ladies don't have this problem.

mainja said...

i'm still stuck on ewww.

i had one cleaning lady who insisted on putting things in the drawer beside my bed. it led to akward feelings. although now i have a young hip cleaning lady who puts things in there and i thank god that it is filled with interesting things, otherwise i'd be embarassed that it wasn't, meaning of course that i wasn't cool and hip.